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No contact or Detached contact

(18 Posts)
Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 18:32:29

I have left my ex who I know realise is an emotional abuser.

I have begun to hate him, he has treated me so badly.

He coerced me into an abortion and I have come to realise I am devastated over this and was never given a chance to grieve. I thought I was making the right choice because, I knew I had to escape him, I didn't realise why. Now I realise I did it because he wanted me to and I hoped we'd work things out afterward. This will not happen.

Now I need to go no contact or detached contact, I've been researching these. I keep wanting to call him to cry about the abortion but he won't hear it. We have started speaking again as I was extremely anxious when unblocked him (see my other thread).

How do I do this if I am unable to block him, I can't handle the panic that he will realise he is blocked (when he realised he was blocked on WhatsApp he text me to tell me off, I unblocked him because I couldn't handle his reaction) I need to get free from him or the abortion feels like it was for nothing and it seems to be the only way I can justify it. Can anyone help?

AnyFucker Fri 03-Feb-17 18:35:03

I don't really understand. He is your ex. You have left him. He is no good for you. Contact with him is ruining your life.

Block him on everything. His reaction is not your responsibility.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 18:37:37

I know all this it's the obvious answer. My mind is fully accepting of this.
When I did it (I followed another posters advice and built up to it) my heart was racing, I couldn't concentrate on my work, I was short tempered and close to tears all day, it was all too much, I need to be kind to myself as well surely and try to avoid that sort of reaction?

nicenewdusters Fri 03-Feb-17 18:40:01

If you block him from everything then he can't use one form of contact to "tell you off" about blocking on another. He's your ex. You are allowed not to want any contact with him. If I'd been coerced into an abortion, treated really badly, then had my feelings about the abortion ignored he'd be the last person I'd want to talk to.

Why do you say you will panic when he realises he's blocked? What is he actually going to DO about how he feels? You've left him. You can feel how you want, he can feel how he wants. You don't have to take his feelings into account anymore. Let's face it, he's obviously not taking yours into account.

noego Fri 03-Feb-17 18:40:43

NC every time. Go for it, stick with it. I have been NC for 51 months with 1 exception a contact at GK's birthday party that they attended. Only one ever.
Best thing I ever did. Everyone says I'm being childish but quite frankly I could give a f**k,

nicenewdusters Fri 03-Feb-17 18:42:49

x-posted. No, you don't have to avoid that kind of reaction. Unfortunately you just have to go through it and come out the other side. Do you know why you feel bad for blocking him? Why should you feel bad? Worry about yourself, not him.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 18:47:55

We work together he is more senior than me and while I have no doubt he would never be unprofessional, there are social areas in my workplace where we will (and have already) crossed paths.
This is why I'm anxious, I can't block him in work.

nicenewdusters Fri 03-Feb-17 19:14:07

I think then OP that you have to have a conversation with him. Explain that outside of work you wish to have no further contact. You don't have to justify yourself, just say this is how it's going to be. And as for at work, just contact relating to your profession.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 19:19:15

I agree that is the most reasonable option but he won't leave me be, I will certainly try it though. I am willing to try anything to leave this whole thing in the past.

nicenewdusters Fri 03-Feb-17 19:25:35

It sounds very hard OP. If you block/never reply to any contacts outside of work, and literally ignore him when you're not in work he'll eventually have to give up. If you blank him totally what's he got to go on, nothing. It'll be hard, but it's your right. You don't have to respond to him.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 19:32:59

I don't have to respond to him, you're right, I'm going to try and remember that when he contacts me next.

AnyFucker Fri 03-Feb-17 19:37:50

It's not "kind to yourself" to keep opening up to the madness

You are a grown woman. If you want to break it off completely, you will find a way

Anything else simply looks like on some level you are getting something out of prolonging the agony. Be honest with yourself and him. But mostly yourself.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 19:44:04

I desperately want to break away which is why I'm asking for advice, I need to try anything and see if it works for me.
I'm not getting anything from this, believe me nothing but constant pain.

chocolateisnecessary Fri 03-Feb-17 20:19:30

Can you look for another job? Maybe get some counselling?

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 20:38:46

I've spent a long time developing the skills for my particular field, any roles that become available using my skills are sought after, so while I could apply for other jobs I wouldn't be doing what I love.
I have recently applied for a few roles using my skills but wasn't successful. That's not to say I'm going to stop, I'm still actively looking.

Outedlasttimenamechangeagain Fri 03-Feb-17 20:39:07

I have my first counselling session booked for next week

chocolateisnecessary Sat 04-Feb-17 20:55:21

Fab. Good luck.

ScruffbagsRUs Sun 05-Feb-17 07:43:43

You have to stand up to him and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not accept any contact from him outside of work, and that inside work will be contact relating to your job only.

If he tries to bait you into talking about anything else regarding your time together, then the stock phrase of "That topic is not up for discussion" can be used, or "I am not discussing our past personal life within the workplace". Both are very firm and he should get the message soon enough, considering you're not willing to talk about your past in the workplace and want no NC with him outside of it.

Hope you get this sorted OP.

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