how do i handle this?

[itsme123]

dh's brother is a nightmare.(IMO)
dh and his bro are not particulary close. dh knows i have little time for his bro, as he has upset me and our lo in the past. i think he is heavily involved with drugs and "the wrong crowd". in fact he is proud he has commited a serious offence.
mil is very tolerant of dh's brother and expects us to visit when he is there. I have tried to explain to dh that i wont have our lo subjected to his ways. dh will agree with me but wont explain to his mum or his brother why we dont go as often as they would like.
what to do??
TIA

[fransmom]

maybe you could write aletter, don't send it. write the second draft again, don't send that one. re-read and then re-write the final draft and send that one. that way you will be able to say everything that you want to without having to speak atm, then see how things go from there? hth

[LucyLemon]

I wouldn't worry about doing anything.
If they ask you why, then you can tell them why.

[itsme123]

thanks Fransmom and lucylemon. I think being open and upfront may be the best option but know it will have a fallout. oh well.

[Glassofwine]

Just playing devils advocate - what does it hurt to visit? I appreciate you don't like him, but if it's just a visit does it really matter when there are other people missing out? Does he actually put dh or the lo in danger?

[madamez]

Wiht Glassofwine on this one. Unless the bloke is actually a danger to your LO, chill out about the occasional visit. Obviously, if he is a danger, unpredictably violent or prone to leaving drug paraphenalia round the house or smoking in the same room as your LO, etc, then it's reaonsable not to want to spend time with him or let your LO anywhere near him.
If your concern is that your LO is old enough to be, perhaps, badly influenced by BIL's ways then you need to talk sensible to your LO about drugs, crime, etc - it might even be useful for the kid to see what a mess the BIL has made of his life.

But on the whole, being "open and honest about your feelings" isn't the great solution to problems it's sometimes portayed as. Because sometimes what happens is that one person lets rip with a self-righteous tirade, feels infinitely better but has in fact made a mess that's going to take far longer to clear up than was necessary. Just because you don't agree with someone's lifestyle doesn't automatically make them your enemy.

[itsme123]

thsnks for your comments. bil has been violent with another member of the family (& others) and has put LO in some danger and frightened her on occassions (not for fun - just be his behaviour)
DD isnt old enough to be influenced by his behaviour but I am worried that the fact nobody seems to think it is "wrong" (imo) may mean as she grows up his behaviour is regarded as acceptable.
Perhaps if she was older and we could chat about his behaviour i would feel better.
I know i sound like i have my head up my a* but its something i feel strongly about.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Agree with Madamez, honesty is good but openness not always wise. I'd probably tell them the truth, but not hit them with the whole catalogue, just say that you don't get on with him or some slight evasion. They may be so used to his behaviour it doesn't even register with them - "oh it's only his little way" - and it's not your job to pull them out of their comfortable viewpoint. However it is your job to protect your offspring, so I think you're right to keep your distance. Suggest meeting your MIL somewhere else, nice restaurant or something?

[madamez]

Itsme: fair enough, I do see your point and don't think you should feel obliged to expose your LO to someone who scares her. Putting it diplomatically to MIL and/or just arranging to see her when you know that mr druggytosspot won't be around might help preserve a relationship with the rest of the family rather than makign the sort of stand that forces everyone to take sides, though.

[Rantum]

itsme Why won't your DH say anything - is he ok with his brother seeing your LO?

[itsme123]

hi again. annie you have raised a good point that i had not thought of - yes they may be used to him and shrug it off.
madamez - bil lives with his parents and they are 3 hours drive away so we cannot just pop to see them - we stay at least overnight when we go. When i mentioned to DH that i wasnt happy staying in the same house, he said we would stay in a B&B. When Dh mentioned this to pil, he said it was because of the lack of space. dh is stuck in the middle and i dont really want to create an atmosphere but as you say i do have a duty to protect my child
Rantum, dh seems to be fine with bil seeing DD. It is me who has said that i am not comfortable with it.

[foxybrown]

I'd probably avoid seeing them for a while, but invite MIL to you. I fear if you have a word with MIL she'll get defensive as see it as you criticising her DS. At least DH understands and can back you up. Might mean making some excuses and lies to get out of things, but I would. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.