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Feel horrible to write this down, but..

(34 Posts)
WhereIsThePilot Fri 03-Feb-17 14:11:02

I'm 24. DS is almost 2. Married DH after knowing him for less than two years when I was 21. In hindsight there were several red flags but I was young and naive and agreed to marry him anyway. Then had DS 9months after the wedding. DS is the best thing that ever happened to me.

However I have this awful feeling now all the time that, I got married too young, too hastily and missed out on a lot. I had to give up a promising career to have him and now I can't seem get back into it. He doesn't sleep at night so who knows if I'd even survive working as well. DH was initially amazing and on the surface is lovely but has occasionally blown up at me and had rants about how awful I am as a person and, most recently, as a parent. My family are forever saying how much of a wonderful man he is which is fine as he mostly is but particularly DM thinks I shouldn't complain about his little outbursts. Also me and his mum don't see eye to eye; we manage to rub along but she loves her passive aggressive digs at me, as well as DH not liking my mother.

Honestly I feel stuck in a huge rut, a life I didn't particularly intend to have. What on earth can I do? Ride it out? Will things change when DS is older? Thanks if you read my self indulgent ramble.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Fri 03-Feb-17 14:19:59

No. It won't get better.

I was nearly 24 when I had my son and I ended up a single parent, not through my choice, and then a couple of years later I was pressurised into getting together with my (now ex) husband because my parents were concerned that I was bringing shame on them by being a single parent and they said that no one else would want me and so I had to just take whatever I could get...

My biggest regret in my life is listening to them and hoping against hopes that it would just get better. That he would grow up. That as I got older I'd care less. That it would be worth it for my son...

What career did you give up?

If I were you, I'd spend some serious time now making your escape plan - money, work experience, part time work, retraining, saving... whatever it takes. So that even if you don't go for another 2 years, you know what you are staying for for the next 2 years.

Please, please don't get to your mid thirties and wonder what the fuck you are going to do now. Because it is difficult then.

WhereIsThePilot Fri 03-Feb-17 14:27:35

Thanks, I'm desperate for my career back really. It's a job in the national health, won't say what. I've tried to enter at a lower grade but out of the swing of things interview wise having not worked in 2 years. I can't decide if I'd regret not being with DH anymore. I also really worry about the impact a separation would have on DS

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 03-Feb-17 14:27:39

Please don't ride it out...get out as soon as you can. It doesn't get better, believe me.... The career can be re-started, but maybe after you get the other stuff sorted? Shefeeds (yes, fellow Lenny fan). I am a bit hmm about your parents attitude...was this many years ago? <Clutches at straws>

WhereIsThePilot Fri 03-Feb-17 14:38:12

Thanks. Nobody around me would understand why.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Fri 03-Feb-17 15:20:25

sponge sadly not as long ago as you'd hope! I got together with my exhusband in around 2001/2002.

Pilot You son will adapt to you separating far more easily than you imagine he will. I had the same fears (as does everyone) and mine were 6 and 13 when it finally happened. I wish I'd done it years earlier. After about 6 weeks of readjustment, they were both fine and are far happier than they ever were when their dad and I were together.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Fri 03-Feb-17 15:23:01

It doesn't matter if no one else agrees with you. It doesn't matter.

I also had similar fears when I separated too, but it's true that you only find out what people really think of your partner when you separate.

I thought people saw my exhusband as confident, charming, witty, entertaining... I also thought they'd never understand. But after we split I found that he made people feel uncomfortable, he was domineering, it was his way or no way, he was the sort of person you wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of... It was very interesting.

But ultimately, this is your life and you get one of them. Just one.

WhereIsThePilot Fri 03-Feb-17 15:49:26

Horribly I feel like I'm waiting for something big to happen that I can blame it all on that means I just have to leave. what a horrible way of thinking...

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Fri 03-Feb-17 16:58:50

Yeah, I spent about 12 years thinking like that.

Eventually he had an affair, so I got my big thing, and I realised that I'd wasted all those years when I could have been on my own, or with someone I wanted to be with... and that no one (perhaps other than my parents) would have given a shit either way.

Don't sacrifice your whole life for "what will people say?" because it's not worth it.

Howlongtilldinner Fri 03-Feb-17 17:27:11

If you are an Allied Health Professional, you can take a part time B5 position..these are normally filled by parents of young children..if you start at B5 (even if you're a higher grade than that) you will be able to get your career back on track..I agree with PP about not putting things off. Start with your career first, you will feel valued and that will give you confidence.

I have been a single parent (still am but they're adults) and it IS difficult, but the alternative was far far worse. I'm still here to tell the tale, so you'll be ok, don't waste your life, none of us know what's around the corner, no matter how young you are.. good luck OPflowers

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Fri 03-Feb-17 18:20:41

Bottom line is, Pilot, that this thread could run for 15 pages and you would hear from women who stayed and wished they hadn't; and women who left and wished they'd done so sooner. You would hear from women who met someone else quickly and went on to remarry and have more children and those who have been single ever since. Of those, some willl be happily single and some will regret that they never found love again. You would hear from women whose careers flourished and those who never quite found their feet again. You would hear from those who established successful co parenting relationships with their exes and those whose exes never saw the children again.

But I can pretty much guarantee that you wouldn't hear from a single person who ended it and wished they hadn't or someone who stayed and is glad they did.

Think long and hard about what you want your life ro look like, and then make it happen x

UglySoul Fri 03-Feb-17 18:41:27

"some will regret that they never found love again"
"I can pretty much guarantee that you wouldn't hear from a single person who ended it and wished they hadn't"

Contradictory no?
Tbh I would probably generally agree with you, she's still only 24 of course.

However upping and running and then discovering you're all alone and likely to always be, is extremely horrible. A warning from myself.

WhereIsThePilot Fri 03-Feb-17 20:09:05

Thanks for the advice.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 03-Feb-17 20:15:30

I think she is saying very people regret leaving Ugly... I didn't regret leaving. I just wish I hadn't wasted 20 years on the tosser. There was always a risk, at my old age, that I wouldn't find anyone else. But in the end the risk was worth it, as he was so effin awful. My daughter coped, and I was protecting her by leaving him, as he had started to be abusive to her too. I didn't want her to think women had to put up with this shit. Btw, I did find love again.

sarahnova69 Fri 03-Feb-17 20:15:46

Contradictory no?

Not really? People can be sad about not having found love again with someone else without regretting leaving the ex in the slightest.

Kaybush Fri 03-Feb-17 20:30:38

SheFeedsYouTeaandOranges, that has got to be one of the best pieces of advice I've ever read on here!

I'm thankfully happily married (currently...), but know of so many women, of different ages and backgrounds, at my childrens' school who would benefit from your wisdom!

WhereIsThePilot Fri 03-Feb-17 21:01:31

I've applied for 4 jobs today, that's a start. If I can get a job and a bit of self confidence back, I'll start feeling less crap hopefully.

therealpippi Fri 03-Feb-17 21:09:46

I rode it out for 10. It got worse. We are both happier separate. But that is the time that took us to accept it.

Like my mum say, don't let your life pass you by. To which I'd add, when you are happy you don't need to give yourself reasons, you just feel it.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Fri 03-Feb-17 23:59:54

Ugly I am single. I don't see it ever changing for many reasons. I am regretful that that is how it is.

Do I wish I were still with my exhusband? No.

I would live a hundred lifetimes without love before I spent another day with him.

It's not contradictory in the slightest.

Teaholic Sat 04-Feb-17 00:03:06

Accept that you made a mistake and forgive yourself for that.


WhereIsThePilot Sat 04-Feb-17 09:14:20

Thank you: I am going to get my ducks in a row (how?!) and make a plan.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Sat 04-Feb-17 09:33:28

Write everything down. That's what I did. Everything. Everything from what I wanted my life to look like to creating stocklists of food in the pantry and freezer to sorting out the budget.

Get to a point where you feel in control and things are organsied the way you want them to be.

Then look at the suggestion that Howlongtilldinner made (if it's appropriate to you) or make enquiries about how you can get back into the workplace.

You are so young and your child is so young, that you do have a bit of breathing space to make SMART targets and work towards them. Each little 'win' will increase your confidence and your resolve. You just need to do it. Good luck x

TheNaze73 Sat 04-Feb-17 13:27:35

I think it wasn't getting married too young, it was getting married too quickly that was the problem. Guess you'll have timeout that now down to life experience. Don't ride it out though, make an exit plan and get out

JessicaEccles Sat 04-Feb-17 13:44:16

Even if I never date again and my cats eat me - nobody is calling me an awful person or making me cry or making me live on eggshells in my own house.....

WhereIsThePilot Sat 04-Feb-17 14:20:08

True Jess. I'll keep applying for jobs and start there.

Does divorce end up damaging children? I don't want my son to suffer?

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