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Advice needed. Dealing with narcissist mother I am(was) NC with

(15 Posts)
Shayelle Fri 03-Feb-17 12:49:09

Hi all. I would like advice and opinions please on dealing with a situation that has arisen that I feel really anxious, uncomfortable and fearful about.

I am not on good terms with my mother, for reasons which I wont go into in depth here but in a nutshell she is an emotionally and physically abusive person, textbook narcissist, who damaged me greatly in my former years, it took until the age of around 30 to stop punishing myself for her behavior towards me, thinking it was my fault and so forth, and have built my self esteem and am now, finally, at peace within myself, and over the pain that she caused in my childhood in so many ways.

I recently moved to a new town and am living much nearer her. I text her telling her that I was moving and in the run up to the move she was in contact with me (I had previously blocked her after her last psychotic episode towards me a year before that, I'd possibly stupidly unblocked her to inform her of my new address), I think she took this as an invitation to try and rekindle some sort of relationship with me, which I know, after numerous tries throughout the years and her always ruining it with her awful treatment of me, will be impossible. I know for the sake of my sanity and a peaceful life I have to maintain distance and if possible go completely NC again, as she will never change.

Last week her father died (she was NC with him for over 40 years, since she was 18) she found this out from her siblings. Again, she text me and told me this, I called her because I thought it was the right thing to do, but again now since this call I feel like I am being dragged back into her life/dramas, she tries to use things to rope me back in, and I do not want to be. I know that nothing will change and it will only be a matter of weeks/months before I start once again being attacked again, and I can't go down that road again. It will never not feel fragile and just need to protect myself against this inevitable.

Please can I ask how you would deal with this? I don't want to be horrible but I dont feel there is any nice way to do this! I am dreading having to do this, but equally she got a date in the diary for us to meet up in a few weeks time and I just cannot face the thought of having to see her. Even getting a text message from her gives me strong anxiety as it is always about her problems and I feel she is like a vampire who drains everything out of me sad

It is such a sad situation. Please help me on what to do about it sad

pileoflaundry Fri 03-Feb-17 12:59:38

I don't want to be horrible but I dont feel there is any nice way to do this!

She is horrible to you. Your being nice gives her power.

If you were to text her, "On second thoughts, I can no longer make <date of planned meeting>.", and then blocked her, what would you feel? I suspect relief.

My M is similar, the less I see/speak/hear of her the better I feel. I was in touch with her for far too long, I kept thinking that if I somewhat tried hard enough we would be able to have a good relationship and she would treat me like a human being. It was only when I realised that this would never happen that I was able to pull away and save what remained of my sanity.

StrawberryShortcake32 Fri 03-Feb-17 13:01:18

Hello OP flowers
I'm so sorry all of this has happened to you and it's such an amazing thing to get confidence back in yourself onve youve been knocked down so much. You are awesome!

I've never had issues with family like this but I have struggled with anxiety. The best thing I found is to face situations that would make me anxious head on.

If you decide to go, you are on neutral ground and can leave whenever you like.
At least you won't ever question seeing her again if it becomes apparent she's still the same.

Although only you know what is best for you, so do that. You don't need to give her a valid reason not to go if she's treated you so badly.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do

Shayelle Fri 03-Feb-17 13:15:13

Hi pileoflaundry, thank you for replying. I also think to myself that she hasnt been nice to me many times and that i have tried so, so many times with her but it is always thrown back in my face and takes me weeks to get over again, it is just not worth going back there again, after 35 years I really dont think there is any chance of a sudden change of personality!

Thank you too strawberryshortcake, your message was so sweet and kind, thank you so much, it made me well up a little! it has been difficult but I'm a strong person and a survivor and I dont want her dragging me down and damaging me anymore. I look at my friends who have great relationships with their Mums, who are kind, loving, caring, and sometimes I feel so envious and sad that I dont have that. I am very very lucky to have some lovely surrogate Mums though. But it is not the same as having a kind and loving Mum and especially one who wasn't there in my childhood/teens. Its made into someone that has difficulty forming attachments to anyone. sad
I find Mothers Day a really hard day and that is not far away and I am dreading that too!! As I know she will be expecting to be taken out and spoiled etc and to be honest I dont want to even see or speak to her at all! Its such a farce sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-Feb-17 14:15:20


Its not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that.

Drop the rope she holds out for you. You have really got to completely disengage from her now.

I would cancel the meeting with your mother; nothing good will come of it and she will simply use it as a means of attacking your good character.

She trained you well to serve her and her alone. Your niceness and not wanting to be horrible towards her have really been your undoing.

You wrote your own answer earlier:-
"I know for the sake of my sanity and a peaceful life I have to maintain distance and if possible go completely NC again, as she will never change"

You've tried low contact and it has not worked. Low contact with narcissists often leads to no contact in any case. NC is also self preservation from being further abused. Its a pity you at all responded to her text message, that as you now know was a mistake that she has seized upon. She should now be blocked from your phone and all other ways of contacting you. Any "gifts" you receive from her should be given to a charity shop and not at all acknowledged. I use quote marks deliberately because they are unwanted and loaded with obligation.

I would read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers along with "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown. Reading the Out of the Fog website would also be good for you. Like many people raised by narcissists you are mired in fear, obligation and guilt.

2014newme Fri 03-Feb-17 14:19:06

I am nc with my mum
I wouldn't tell her if I was moving.
Cease contact
Block her

Shayelle Fri 03-Feb-17 14:57:41

Thank you Attila. so much for the thought you put into writing to me. I am going to get all of those books you said above. Youre spot on about living in fear, obligation and guilt. I do feel so guilty and its ridiculous as when I think back to her behavior towards me as a small child i feel sick that I feel any pity for her at all !! Its so frustrating and silly. I dont usually feel pity but then when she starts with the guilt trips and 'poor me', I do. Then I feel almost violated by feeling that way!!

Can I ask how you would go about cutting the contact this time? I am thinking I will send a text saying that I wish her well but wish to maintain a distance from now on as I cant forgive or get over the traumas of all the years and I cannot 'meet up' for tea and pretend everything is fine - I just cant pretend!!! Then blocking before she can reply, as it will be just attack/anger from her back again, it would be pointless for me to do anything other than say I cant meet up, then block immediately.

Aussiebean Fri 03-Feb-17 15:29:25

Just say you can't meet up and block.

Done. Don't justify yourself because she won't listen anyway.

Protect yourself and start healing.

Good luck. And don't tell her anymore information about yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-Feb-17 15:33:43

I would send a message stating that your meeting with her is cancelled and will not be rearranged. Then block her number from your phone.

Ignore any flying monkeys (well meaning friends or relatives roped in by her to do her bidding) she may well send in the coming days or weeks after you sent her this message.

These are good references:-

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-Feb-17 15:38:19

Don't JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).

prettywhiteguitar Fri 03-Feb-17 15:38:54

I totally sympathise with your situation as I have a very similar mother myself.

What I find with her is that no amount of explanation with get through and so it is pointless.

I have gone nc again after drama at Christmas surprise surprise! But I haven't said anything to her I have just not replied to any messages and I find she usually gets bored and leaves me alone.

prettywhiteguitar Fri 03-Feb-17 15:39:54

Having said that it was only a happy new year message, not too much to ignore!

Maudlinmaud Fri 03-Feb-17 15:43:56

Oh you absolute sweet heart. It's a very hard thing going nc, especially with a close family member. Just because someone has given birth to you, it doesn't make it ok for them to treat you in this way.
Stay strong and yes cease contact. You will probably feel guilty for a long time but thats part of the process. I hope things improve for you. Sending you the warmest of wishes.

Shayelle Fri 03-Feb-17 16:09:34

Thanks so much again Attila for the links and things for me to read. I find it so hard to be so cold and harsh but I am going to have to do it :-( The funny thing is it cant bother her too greatly as she has had 35 years to be a Mum and hasnt bothered.

prettywhiteguitar - this is exactly it. Even if you try and start saying how things make you feel in a nice way they shut you down and get instantly furious and everything is soooo much worse for them!! Any time anything has happened to me - she has had it worse. Many times it has felt like I am the parent and she is the child!! I was her domestic slave at the age of 11. I cooked, did all the cleaning, all the food shopping :-( on my little bike, cycling home with all the bags swinging from the handlebars. If I ever made a mistake and got the wrong thing she would terrorise me and batter me and not talk to me for days on end - she was EVIL. sad

Thank you Maud too for your kindness. I hope things improve too. I shouldnt have opened the door a chink. More fool me..

prettywhiteguitar Fri 03-Feb-17 17:37:49

God you poor thing, I wouldn't bother contacting her other than to cancel your meet up.

Just keep remembering that little girl and how she is still that person. What an evil witch

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