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Doing Too Much

(6 Posts)
tinkerbell17x Fri 03-Feb-17 05:36:17

im writing on here today for some advice on how to handle my relationship and stress levels as im feeling very tense and agitated an worried its leading to depression.
i have a partner he works full time 5 days a week. i appreciate he works hard however i have 2 children a 2yr old and a 4 month old. Together this is difficult anyway with night feeds an terrible 2 tantrums.
i just feel as though i do EVERYTHING. cleaning, bottle making, baby bath routines bed times stories taking care of our family pets making the dinner. he comes home an wants to put his feet up an im expected to do everything because he has worked all day.
i dont think he realises how hard an days are and i have tried to explain this to him. i would love to put my feet up and relax i never do and when i do its usually because its between 9/11PM an its bedtime. i feel as though i am constantly on the go and i cant do it no more.
im not sleeping i feel stressed tense and agitated. everythings getting on top of me the house is permanently a mess although i am constantly cleaning. Im lacking sleep because its getting to much for me and on top of this i found out hes been using my bank acc to gamble. leaving me no money therefore another year of no money not being able to go on holidays take children on nice days out buy myself clothes sort house.... i just dont know what to do or how to approach this situation anymore.
i talk it over all the time an hes understanding for a week or so and then sq 1. hes left me in debt and now in overdraft i dont even feel i can do a food shop! stressed to max. please someone offer me some advice...

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 03-Feb-17 05:42:47

If he actually has a gambling addiction, you need to separate. Because there's nothing you can do to solve that; he has to want to.

WRT the time. When you have conversations, how is it left? That he will 'help more'? Because that doesn't work. Fixed, actual, real jobs. So, you cook; he washes up. You feed D1 while he rocks D2. You wash; he irons. No one sits down until the jobs are done and the kids are asleep. Whatever works but concrete.

tinkerbell17x Fri 03-Feb-17 06:15:59

thankyou for your advice.
He has had a gambling addiction which he tried to shake off by himself, he has actually done very well i know this as i check his online accounts, but im starting to wonder if im being gullable and hes doing it some other way as we have no money EVER. im currently under a childrens centre Ehat to help manage my finances.

ive actually just broken down to him an couldnt stop crying he appoligised and said he promises to help me more and he is really sorry.
I just find though that he might change for a little then its back to this.. which is becoming the norm.
The odd times he might tell me to go out am he will clean the house i just find things shooved about or cant find anything at all usually because hes binned everything. a quick clean so he can sit down and watch football an he has me out the way. When he does offer to do nice things i find it is usually for his own benefit in some way.
i just feel exhausted.
ive recently come of antidepressants an felt really proud of myself. Now i feel as though a trip to the drs is necessary i feel that down.
Children are always dressed well an thats the main thing and they are happy but me i am.constantly in same clothes or clothes that are uncomfy or tight because they are 2-3years old. i never get anything for myself do anything for myself because there is never any money which is why im now.wondering is he still managing to gamble in some way?

Oysterbabe Fri 03-Feb-17 06:22:49

It reminds me of this that I saw on FB.

P: what do you do for a living Mr. Rogers?
H: I work as an accountant in a bank.
P: Your wife?
H: She doesn't work. She's a housewife.
P: Who makes breakfast for your family?
H: My wife, because she doesn't work
P: What time does your wife wake?
H: She wakes up early because it has to be organised. She organizes the lunch for the children, ensures that they are well-dressed and combed, if they had breakfast, if they brush their teeth and take all their school supplies. She wakes with the baby and changes diapers and clothes. Breastfeeds and makes snacks as well.
P: How do your children get to school?
H: My wife takes them to school, because she doesn't work.
P: After taking their children to school, what does she do?
H: Usually takes a while to figure something out that she can do while she is out, so she doesn't have to pack and unpack the carseat too many times, like drop off bills or to make a stop at the supermarket. Sometimes she forgets something and has to make the trip all over again, baby in tow. Once back home, she has to feed the baby lunch and breastfeed again, get the baby's diaper changed and ready for a nap, sort the kitchen and then will take care of laundry and cleaning of the house. You know, because she doesn't work.
P: In the evening, after returning home from the office, what are you doing?
H: Rest, of course. Well, I'm tired after working all day in the bank.
P: What does your wife do at night?
H: She makes dinner, serves my children and I, washes the dishes, orders once more the house, makes sure the dog is put away as well as any left over dinner. After helping children with HW she gets them prepared to sleep in pajamas and the baby is in fresh diapers, gives warm milk, verifies they brush their teeth. Once in bed she wakes frequently to continue to breastfeed and possibly change a diaper if needed while we rest. Because she doesn't have to get up for work.

tinkerbell17x Fri 03-Feb-17 08:07:46

this is how it is.
thing is i would love to have a job.
Sometimes i think it would be less tiring having a job then doing this day in day out with not much support

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-Feb-17 08:20:46

What do you get out of this relationship?

This individual is using other means namely your bank account in order to gamble; for him the gambling is first and foremost in his life. His main focus is not you or these children who are also seeing and hearing all this as well. What do you want them to remember about their childhoods?. A stressed out unhappy mother and a gambler dad who has used your bank account to gamble?. He's taking money from these children as well.

He is the root cause of your stress and anxiety; not having him in your day to day life would likely take a lot of these pressures away. You're practically raising these children alone; what does he actually contribute to family life?.

Re his gambling you did not cause it, you cannot control it (you've policed him without success) and you cannot cure it. He has no handle at all on his gambling addiction and is still very much in its grasp. He does not want to address his gambling addiction at all and he also has you to manage it for him (checking his online accounts, he probably has more that you know nothing about). Such enabling helps no-one and only gives you a false sense of control. You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. Also trying to overcome a gambling addiction without professional help is doomed to failure.

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