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Am i overeacting? How bad is this abuse?

(25 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 01:34:36

Hi all i hope you can help me make sense of what has happened. Last weekend me and husband argued all day about the children (behaviour stuff) the argument got really bad and in anger i told him (several times) i wanted to divorce him...he laughed at me and said i just say things but have no plan so in anger i started to pack my bags. He went mad grabbed a handful of my hair and repetedly shoved his forehead against mine whilst screaming in my face. I was up against my daughters cot and he was pushing my back onto it. I told him " to stop as my daughter was coming up stairs instead he shut the door and went to carryon although he then stopped panicked

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 01:41:27

After he panicked he ran downstairs shouting his goodbyes and saying he was going to kill himself. Grabbed some pills and locked himself in the bathroom. I was outside crying pleading with him to open the door until he finally did. I don't know what to make of it all. I can't tell my family (they would kill him) and i just feel like it's just been brushed off. He apologised said hes ashamed but i feel uneasy in keep breaking down in tears please give me some advice x

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 01:46:16

Worth mentioning we have been together 12 years and he's pushed me once or twice before but this is the first time he's grabbed my hair

SunsetOnTheHorizon Fri 03-Feb-17 01:51:26

It seems like you both have some serious issues that need dealing with head on
Firstly his anger issues, pushing and shoving is abuse full stop.

Secondly him resorting to a tub of pills, is that a cry for help or is this something more serious?

Its an emotional rollercoaster, being treated like that and then scared stiff he is going to top himself.

Definetly see the gp and ask for some counselling. In the meantime ask yourself why the children are misbehaving, perhaps this behaviour from parents is upsetting for them.

Have a serious talk with DP if I was you, do not tolerate any more abuse.

Hope you manage to work thru ur problems

OneWithTheForce Fri 03-Feb-17 01:52:29

So when he pushed you the first time, he had never pushed you before, but he has since pushed you again. Now he has grabbed your hair for the first time. His previous behaviour shows you that he repeats violent acts More than once. What do you think that tells you about your future with him? Are you ok with being pushed again or having your hair grabbed?

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 02:02:23

Both of you are right. I think i am still in shock at what happened. I am worried it will happen again and i will def listen to your advice. Thank you x

OneWithTheForce Fri 03-Feb-17 02:11:17

It will happen again. I know he isn't probably saying it won't, he probably said that the last time too. And the time before that. People treat us how we allow them to treat us. If you accept what has happened (by staying with him you will be accepting it) then you will be telling him, "I'm not prepared to leave you for this behaviour" in others words "you can keep doing this and I won't leave"

OneWithTheForce Fri 03-Feb-17 02:11:43

I know he is probably saying it won't.

SunsetOnTheHorizon Fri 03-Feb-17 02:20:15

It will happen again and who knows the DC may be around or walk in on thier Father abusing thier Mother.

Try to break everything down and tackle each issue. In the meantime perhaps ask him to move out... maybe give u some space.

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 11:02:49

I spoke to him and told him I'm not willing to put up with it anymore. He said he wants help and has agreed to see an anger management therapist. I am ready to reveal everything to his family too who can take him in whilst we work on things. He seems to be responding well and has told me he is willing to do anything to get us back on track. But I'm so weary as i know from other people posting, that they all say this...

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 11:40:58

Thank you for your posts btw. They really help, also help me to realise I'm not the one that's overeacting x

KatherineMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 03-Feb-17 11:54:32

Hi there OP,

We're going to move this one over to our relationships topic, where we hope you'll find some more support.

We hope you don't mind - but we just wanted to link to some services that you might find useful:

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ flowers

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 11:55:52

Hi Katherine yes that fine. Im new to MN so wasnt sure where to post x

Adora10 Fri 03-Feb-17 12:24:57

Get this out in the open, don't keep it a secret, let him see that you are not just saying this but are actually serious; there's something very wrong in a relationship when it descends into fighting each other but he should not be putting his hands on a woman, he's stronger and can really hurt you, totally fucked up imo.

Easy for him to say, I'd not engage with him much until he could prove to me that he's actually getting better and can control himself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 03-Feb-17 12:31:21

"He said he wants help and has agreed to see an anger management therapist".

Yes they all say that. Threats to kill themselves are a tactic used by such manipulative men as well to get their victims into line. It will also take more, far more, than a few sessions with an AM therapist as well. Therapy can take years.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE and this is now the third instance of violence against you. Its three times too many.

He needs to be apart from you and your children as of now. I would argue he does not actually have an AM problem because he is probably all sweetness and light around other people. He does not for instance behave like this at work does he?. Only towards you behind closed doors. Men like this hate women, all of them.

You have a choice re this man User; your children do not.

RaisinsAndApple Fri 03-Feb-17 12:40:31

It's classic that abusers turn all apologetic and say they'll sort themselves out after an incident. It's the cycle of abuse that keeps you trapped.

He won't change, it will get worse. Would you go to the police? What he did is a crime.

Unless you are serious that your family would actually kill or hurt him, then I would tell them. Abuse thrives in secrecy. In secrecy the abuser can turn it around and make you believe it's your fault, minimise, make empty promises to change and keep you trapped in a fog.

Break the silence for your children's sake. They will be aware of what has gone on, and it will have a damaging effect on them. Leave before they learn that this is the way to conduct a relationship, and internalise it to reproduce when thy grow up.

Btw, it not your fault he had behaved this way. No argument, or things said or anything make violence acceptable. It is his problem and his fault.

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 19:00:48

Thank you for all your posts. I really am taking everything you are saying seriously. I want to voice what is in my head though as i want to be completely honest on here. I know i will anger some people by saying this but please just try and understand. I keep going back and forth with what o want to do. One minute i am convinced of telling my family about it the next i am scared that it will ruin the relationship between them and him (i know it sounds insane!). They love him and have known him for so many years... also with him, i am so angry at him yet i look at him and i just want a cuddle...he is/was (i dont even know anymore) my best friend, we tell each pther everything and always very affectionate. Its been almost a week since it happened and i miss my husband the loving one not what he was the other so upset, confused...i suppose this is normal to.feel this.way and i feel bad for moaning as there are some poor women going through so.much worse. Xx

RaisinsAndApple Fri 03-Feb-17 20:50:14

How old are your children?

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 21:05:13

One is almost 3 years old and i have a 6 month old too

cmc1976 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:03:09

User. My stbxh threatened to kill himself when I said I wanted to separate. Resorted to pushing me about and grabbing me around the throat, Controlling my every move going through my phone and threatening to kill the kids if I left. I've read on Mumsnet so many times The same situation. Yet I was too scared to involve police for fear of what he would do.
On Monday night I came home from work late and he flipped, attacked me and threatened to kill the children and me (he has said it numerous times). I managed to get the police and he has been charged and bailed. I'm still living in fear of him but at least my children and I are somewhere safe and social services are now involved and have ordered no contact for him with the children.
I should have left years,months, weeks ago. Please this is three incidents too many. They say they'll change. I learnt the hard way on Monday they don't.

RaisinsAndApple Fri 03-Feb-17 22:14:07

cmc flowers
OP, it is normal to feel the way you do, I expect most if not all abused women have felt the same or very similar.
The loving man you want back does not exist. He is the man who finds it acceptable to grab you by the hair, abuse you, and close the door in order to continue abusing you not giving a shit that his child was a witness to his abuse. He is not only abusing you, he is abusing your children. It is well researched and documented that being in a house where domestic violence happens damages children. If you leave now you can reverse that damage. If you stay it will only get worse.
Threatening to kill himself (classic abuser trick) in front of the children is direct emotional abuse of them. They deserve better. So do you.

user1486084727 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:29:30

Cmc1976. Omg I'm so sorry your story is awful. I'm glad you and the children are safe. Was he always violent with you or was it a gradual thing? I'm 28 years old, i met my now husband in secondary school when we were 15. We are both hot headed and often argued but He has never been violent to me like this before. It is so out of his character and that's why it's effecting me so much. As far as I remember the previous 2 incidents were more of a push to get me out of the way as i was screaming at him (although you are right it's still wrong). With regards to the kids, he loves them to bits and he has never been violent to them. Your story really scares me but i really dont feel that my situation is as serious as yours xx

Chesntoots Fri 03-Feb-17 22:38:55

My ex often threatened to kill himself if I left. I ended up having a breakdown and unable to function properly.

Abusers use this line all the time. I know this now, but didn't then and I was scared in case he actually carried out the threat.

You can't change people. They have to do it for themselves and their actions are their actions and not yours. There is a massive difference between an abusive arsehole and someone with genuine mental health issues. Abusers try and convince you they are one thing, when, in fact, they are the other.

cmc1976 Fri 03-Feb-17 22:44:02

It became gradually worse he was never violent to the kids and couldn't bare the thought of not seeing them all the time if separated so used threats to keep me there. The kids heard it and saw it and they are only little, 2 and 5. Now he's not allowed to see them because of what he's said and done.

I didn't think my situation was serious. Until I told my work who referred me to a councillor. Who informed social services. He beat me before social services had chance to act. If you see a doctor and inform them how you feel and what's happened they are duty bound to report it. I only wish I'd told someone sooner. Please don't underestimate the seriousness of it. Please take care of yourself and your children. Xx

fusspot66 Sat 04-Feb-17 07:18:06

What sort of 'behaviour ' could a 3 year old and a 6 month old display that warrants all day arguing? I think that is another stick to beat you with/ to control you. Does he want them compliant?

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