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To find my real dad

(19 Posts)
Busybeesmum Fri 03-Feb-17 00:39:25

Hello. I need some help!
The man I thought was my dad split with my mum when I was 12. My brother and sister (he's their dad) were 8 and 4. When I was 18 he texted me from abroad to tell me he wasn't my dad. I was devastated and my mum told me they were going to tell me when I was 18. She told me my real dad left when she was pregnant and she never saw him again. My stepdad I no longer see as he spends a lot of time abroad. He doesn't acknowledge my DH or kids really.
Recent events have made me wonder if I should look for my biological dad

HarmlessChap Fri 03-Feb-17 02:21:23

He made no effort to be part of your life, that might be the biggest regret of his life or he may have no interest. If you find him and say "Hi, I'm your daughter" and he says "And?" how would you feel?

Personally I would try to find him, I would prepare myself for the possibility that he wouldn't want to get to know you but open the door so he could.

I can not understand any guy who can walk away from their child, even before they are born, but in your position I'd want to know more.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 03-Feb-17 02:30:04

I'm adopted. Never looked for bio parents, never wanted to.

I think the first thing you have to do is understand your motives. If you're expected a love feast, you need to ramp down your expectations. Not that it can't happen, just that most likely it won't happen. Chances are, if he wanted to know you, he'd have found you by now.

A friend's son found his bio dad. He was polite but distant and didn't try to foster a relationship. The son said his dad treated him as if he (the son) were a distant younger cousin he was meeting for the first time and wasn't quite sure how to 'entertain' him or pass the time. I believe they've spoken once or twice since then.

Busybeesmum Fri 03-Feb-17 08:12:17

Thanks guys. Hes Egyptian and i know his first name thats all. I just wonder what hes like. Hes got four grandkids that he doesnt know either but youre right he may not want to

debbs77 Fri 03-Feb-17 11:01:52

Does he even know about you?

Busybeesmum Fri 03-Feb-17 11:19:48

He knew my mum was pregnant debs

hellsbellsmelons Fri 03-Feb-17 11:40:22

I'm not sure where you would even start.
As humans we have a need to know where we really came from.
Do some digging and see if you can find him.
Then see how you feel once you know.
It's hard because he's made no effort to see you as far as you know.
He abandoned your mum whilst pregnant.
I'd assume from that, he's not a very nice person.
But people do change as they get older.

Busybeesmum Fri 03-Feb-17 11:51:45

It was 32 years ago. It will be hard as he may have moved back to Egypthmm

wherearemymarbles Fri 03-Feb-17 13:11:27

With just a name after 32 years i think it would be nigh on impossible and at the minimum would require a specialist investigator. He could be living anywhere by now. What else did your mother know about him.?

Ilovecaindingle Fri 03-Feb-17 13:17:01

My dd only found out about her df in her late teens also. She found him and he was as she imagined to be - a let down. Never bad mouthed him but she figured if he hadn't come looking for her then he wasn't up to much. She does keeping in touch as she has a half sister but has no emotional attachment to him at all. Maybe if you look for him with less than high hopes you too will also fulfill curiosity without disappointment. Good luck. . I think you would only regret not looking. .

Busybeesmum Fri 03-Feb-17 13:17:02

He was 20 and he had a sister i know her name but she maybe married. I think its looking dire. If my stepdad stayed in touch maybe i wouldnt feel this need? He might not even want to know me

user1485706893 Fri 03-Feb-17 13:20:39

I found out my step dad wasn't my dad when I was 6. I never really minded but sometimes I wondered what he was like etc. I have an older brother and I wonder about him more tbh. I thought my dad had never seen me but I found out that he did meet me a few times when I was a baby and still didn't want anything to do with me. I find that hard, that he knew me and still didn't care.
For me not finding him is the right thing.
If it's something you need to do then do it. You might need some help though, I tried to find my dad once as a teenager ..kinda. but I only know his first name and he was in london when I was born and couldn't get anywhere with it.

Busybeesmum Fri 03-Feb-17 13:58:00

User thats sad x. My mum told me his family wouldnt have accepted a white woman being pregnant with his child so i think that had alot to do with it. His sister knew but not his wider family. Its mad i was a big secret

ItWentDownMyHeartHole Fri 03-Feb-17 13:58:25

Your stepdad is a shit. Who sends a text with that information? What a crappy birthday present! You deserved better from him, as do your husband and his step grandchildren. Not being acknowledged is horrible. I'm sorry he wasn't a better father to you. As for your birth Dad definitely go find him. But just do your best to try and keep expectations low. As your step dad proves some people are utterly shit at parenting. Good luck.

Tenshidarkangel Fri 03-Feb-17 15:40:03

I got in contact with my bio father at 21 via Facebook.

It went down like a lead balloon. No understanding of my anger at the fact he'd never bothered bar CMS. Never heard from him again.

It's something I felt I needed to do and don't regret it but not the Disney dad outcome I'd have liked.

Busybeesmum Fri 03-Feb-17 16:08:49

Heart it was shit but it was a long time ago. He doesnt see my brother and sister and hes their bio dad. I wonder if i need to go to the Embassy ? Doubt ill get far on fb.

InTheMoodForLove Fri 03-Feb-17 16:48:17

maybe I fancy myself as a bit of Sherlock but there must be a way to start looking
Can your mother give you more info?
Name, age, where did he live at the time, where did he work etc I would start from there. Even if she remember vaguely his road, you could go and have a look at the area, see old fashion cafes and other take aways, why not its a long time but some establishments do last a lifetime
There also must be some agencies that can help, or everything fails one of those tv programs who reunite people
ok I am getting carried away here but I do believe that if that is your wish you should try. You sound strong enough to handle whatever may come out of it

Frouby Fri 03-Feb-17 16:53:11

I 'found' my bio father on fb just before Christmas. After much pondering I decided not to make contact because if he didn't find me before now I am not interested. He could have made an effort. We still have family in the same house my dm grew up in.

I have thought about it long and hard. But I think I am no worse off for not knowing him. And at 39 probably won't massively benefit from knowing him. But could get hurt by making contact.

Maybe I will change my mind in the future but I don't think so.

Patchouli666 Fri 03-Feb-17 18:13:39

I found my biological dad when I was 29. My parents were married tho and so I knew roughly where he'd be. However, a shifty life and four more wives and subsequent divorces plus a couple of mental breakdowns requiring sectioning, meant he wasn't easy to find. I was watching Trisha one ,or int while breastfeeding dd3 and they were using a company to find lost relatives of people on the show. I got in touch with them and after a few months, they'd found my grandad. He was 92 and in a nursing home but still of sound mind and the nurses chatted with him and got my father to contact me with the info I gave the nursing home.
Resulted in us meeting up and then falling out of contact again. Too much time had passed. Was weird as he was my 'dad' but I didn't know him at all. He wanted lots of telephone chat to build a our relationship. An hour or more a night. Just didn't have enough to say to each other and I ended up just not calling or answering for a while and then he gave up.
He died recently and I went to his funeral. Really strange, his friends all crying but me, his only blood relative and daughter at that, not upset at all. They all kept telling me what a wonderful man he was, how he'd always talked about 'his daughter' but it just made me cross. He had always known where I was and telephone numbers and he'd been giving a sob story to his friends and had been a brilliant friend to them. Always kind, always there for them. Just not his own flesh and blood, eh! I had to put a few of them right.
So yes, look into it. But it is weird. It will not be what you see on the telly. It will be very hard as two adults to build a relationship that is appropriate and close enough for father and daughter but you will be acquaintances at best. And I'd defo recommend using an agency like I did. I'll post back if I find their contact info.

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