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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

FFS me again!

92 replies

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:02

Ok long story short my H had begun to embark on an EA 16 months ago..inappropriate messages and photos etc that I found out before it went further....he has cut himself from everyone involved, been so remorseful, full of regrets, everything and is now quite honestly an almost perfect H and father...
I trusted him 100% before this happened and was absolutely gutted when it happened...I never believed he would betray me this way, we were never a couple that asked each tower to do anything or go anywhere if that makes sense.
He has worked so hard to put things right since and put me and the kids first all the time.
He has been invited to a friends stag do and told me casually last weekend and the conversation went like this
Him...just to let let you I've been invited to x's stag do
Me...oh right where is it?
Him...benidorm
Me ...are you going?
Him...well it's up to you I don't want to do anything that will upset you
Me...oh ok well I don't own you and can't tell you what to do (i didn't know what to say!)
Him..I know but like I said I don't want to do anything to upset you x
We spoke no more about it mainly because we were in the car with my son and also I had no time to process it.
I went onto our family pc on Wednesday to send an email and his popped up with the invite to the stag do...and confirmation he had paid the deposit.
It also had to itinery laid out on it which was the usual beach bar, pub crawl etc and also entry to lap dancing club.
I went on there again today and he has deleted the emails..
I am so fucking upset that he has kept this from me and said he won't do anything to upset me or make me feel insecure yet booked it without us having the conversation first
He is paying money to see this when we are not only skint but still at a time in our relationship that he is trying to prove himself to me...
What do I do?? Say something??wait til he admits it? End it??
I'm a fucking mug aren't I?

OP posts:

Report

RebelRogue · 02/02/2017 21:05

If you're willing to play games call his bluff. "You're right. I don't feel 100% comfortable with you going. This is not my fault,it's due to your behaviour. I think you should stay home and spend time together/focus on our relationship first".

booksandcoffee · 02/02/2017 21:08

Someone else will come along and have wiser words than me, but you are not a mug. Good luck in sorting it out.

LillyLollyLandy · 02/02/2017 21:09

What rebelrogue says. Call his bluff.

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:09

I so want to say something like that..I kind of want to see if he brings it up first...if he doesn't then I know I need to say something and walk x

OP posts:

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:11

Part of me is hoping he has deleted the messages because he paid and then changed his mind about going...but sadly I don't think this is the case

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 02/02/2017 21:13

oh ok well I don't own you and can't tell you what to do

To me, that's "permission", or you saying it's not your place to say, so he doesn't have to consult you. He followed it up with "I don't want to upset you" and you didn't respond to say it would.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm explaining how, in black and white, that's how I've taken it.

But yeh, I'd call his bluff.

Velvian · 02/02/2017 21:13

Be up front with him.
I know it's really hard when he has let you down before, but i think the only choices are to trust him or end it.
...and he has messed up by trying to hide this from you. Youre not a mug.

DietAdviceNeeded · 02/02/2017 21:14

Do you share bank accounts?

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:14

He is working away and not back until
Tomorrow maybe I should calm his bluff as you say and bring it up...say after what he said last weekend I have thought about and no im not 100% sure about it??

OP posts:

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:15

Diet no we don't share bank accounts xx

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 02/02/2017 21:16

Exactly what Rebelrogue said.

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:18

Token ginger I see what you're saying...I wasnt switched on and strong enough when it came up was I?? Again!x

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Slimmingsnake · 02/02/2017 21:18

You needed to clear and say you didn't want him going...the I don't own you/ can't tell you what to do bit was a green light

AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 21:20

Would I expect my husband to go on a stag do to Benidorm including strip club entry ?

No. He would not even raise the issue and he has nothing to prove.

Now this dickhead has form for being a liar and a cheat and he's still at it

Op, you know what to do.

Slimmingsnake · 02/02/2017 21:22

I don't see why you are upset and calling yourself a mug...he's not done anything...yet.. and he didn't before ,it was nipped in the bud...you can't police him 24/7.. well you can but it won't end well....your not his mum,you can't tell him what to do...all you can do is trust him....but that's all any of us do with our partners,none of them come with a guarantee that they won't cheat...sadly😥

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:23

I agree slimmingsnake but he sprung it on me suddenly in the car with our son and I didn't know what the stag do entailed until
I saw the itinery ...e.g. Beach bar/lap dancing etc
I need to man up with regards to most of my life...marriage being the main one x

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 02/02/2017 21:23

Btw did he book/pay deposit before or after the conversation?

AnyFucker · 02/02/2017 21:24

Manning up sounds long overdue, op

Slimmingsnake · 02/02/2017 21:26

Yeah I get what yr saying rainbow,I'm being all liberal about it....but my dh would hate that sort of thing..he's very straight laced..so it's not a problem I would have to face,lap dancing ....but I guess,i probably wouldn't like it if he was wanting to go...it's a difficult one,because ,well are you hoping that wouldn't of wanted to go?

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:27

slimmingsnake he has booked and paid for it so wants to do something that upsets me and yes he did do more before than he should as a husband that has taken marriage vows...he didn't come with a guarantee he wouldnt cheat but he took vows he wouldn't and he still did!

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 02/02/2017 21:27

Rainbow u were taken by surprise and probably reacted the way you would've before the stuff happened,and maybe with an expectation that he'd know/do/be better.
A few years ago(the same year He was a complete and utter dick) OH asked if he could go his works xmas party,complete with staying over at his boss's flat overnight. First instinct after years of being together was yeah sure whatever u want. However thinking about it during the night..it wasn't ok. I wasn't ok. So told him that the next day and that I don't want him to go. He tried to have a bit of a strop,but i "reminded" him that things and I changed due to his behaviour. He got over it sharply and didn't go.

CocoaX · 02/02/2017 21:28

But to be honest, you don't own him and you should not have to stop him going. He should have made his excuses as to not going and that be that.

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Orangetoffee · 02/02/2017 21:28

He planned that well, springing this on you whilst in the car with your son. No wonder you didn't know what to say.

He should have discussed this with you at home and should have shown you the itinerary. He doesn't sound like he puts your feelings first.

rainbowlou · 02/02/2017 21:29

He paid the deposit for it after we had the conversation

OP posts:

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 02/02/2017 21:30

When did he pay the deposit? Before or after the conversation?

I think he's taken your "I don't own you and can't tell you what to do" as an "ok".

Flip

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