Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Please help if you can(13 Posts)
I met a man nearly two years ago, we've lived together for a short while (we moved in together mainly because of outside reasons that seemed to happen together and made it feel like it was the right thing to do) I used to be fiesty, lively, bubbly, independent, a bit nutty but generally happy (I think) now I don't recognise myself. I shut up and keep my opinions to myself, I try to keep the peace, I sometimes loose it because I can't stand it anymore, then I get told I'm crazy, argumentative. I find myself getting agitated because he doesn't understand me, or frustrated because he tells me I'm being unreasonable and causing an argument. It happens every month or so and he says it's me (pmt) but I've never had this problem before, and it's not that time of the month either. he can be the kindest person, he cooks, cleans, shops, woud do anything I asked (he says I don't let him help enough) looks after his daughter half the week, but other times he can be so rude, nasty, obnoxious. He tells me I'm crazy,mental I need help, that I'm dark, incapable of being loved, that he would do anything for me, that I mean the world to him. I left him on Sunday, he won't leave my house because he's paid his half of the bills this month and I can't afford to pay them back, but when I say I'll get a loan to cover it he says he doesn't want my money. I'm now staying on someone else's sofa, waiting to go back home.
He constantly messages me, sometimes begging me to come home, telling me has nothing without me then because I refuse to go home until he's gone (I did it before and within a few weeks I'm back to square one) he then starts calling me names. Telling me I'm crazy, need help, that this is my fault. That I'm dirty, that he can't wait to get out of my house. I can be in what I'm sure is a perfectly even mood but he keeps asking me why I'm upset/annoyed. When we're having a good day he makes reference to how nice it is when I'm happy. he doesn't seem to agree with anything I say/think or feel. He has helped me out since Christmas, it killed me financially, by not only paying his half of the bills but buying all the shopping too, but he throws this in my face by reminding me I haven't even bought toothpaste recently. But then he gets annoyed when I won't ask for help, he says I take everything the wrong way. Since I've left he has text friends telling them I'm mental, he's been financially supporting me, that he's so worried about me, that I need help. This is so hard, I love him and his messages reminding me of good times make me want to be with him, I don't trust my own perception of events, I am adamant I'm not imagining his digs, put downs, sarcasm then he seems to turn what I say around, look confused. The thing is communication is a big part of my job I'm usually good at explaining myself. I'm so confused and churned up and I'm hurting. I read one of his messages and I feel guilty, sorry for him that I've ruined his life but then he becomes insulting, nasty and I hate him. I think I'm going insane. I've changed my number because I cant stand the messages, they always contain something that hurts, and after a particularly emotional day, being bombarded with pm's instead, he now wants me to ring him about house arrangements not message, that isn't going to happen. I don't know how much longer I can cope with this situation.
It sounds like you are both quite bad for each other. He is being emotionally abusive by calling you names and complaining to friends, and your personality has changed. You have taken a brave step to leave a corrosive situation and you now need to focus on the housing situation as part of your new life. If you want to move back into the property, you need to tell him to leave and give him chance to find new accommodation. I also think you should see your GP as, from what you describe, you maybe suffering from depression and anxiety (very common conditions) and may benefit from treatment.
I don't feel depressed, when I'm not with him I feel relieved. I socialise with friends and family, hold down a full time, sometimes stressful job, without much difficulty. I enjoy lots about my life. I get alot of exercise, I love walking and I don't feel like I need help with that. I have suffered from anxiety, after a very traumatic incident, but I started researching self relaxation techniques and ans haven't had an actual panic attack for a while, although my anxious feeliohave returned of late. This is the first time I've started to voice and explain these things, until now I've struggled to put it into words. I feel he is qiite controlling, he doesn't moan about me going out as such, more about things like If I want to go to bed if he doesn't and if I'm in the bath for ages,little things, so subtle I'm not sure I'm imagining it.
*anxious feelings have returned... Sorry typo lol
I only read a little bit and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I would tell him on the day that he normally pays that you want him to leave. Don't give warning - he'll be horrible. Have someone (preferably a big bloke) come round the night you've told him. You have the right to have peace in your own home.
It's my property, rented in my name before I even met him, I have a secured tenancy, legally I know I hold the cards but I don't know if I have the strength to keep this up for a month, it's torture. I'm sorry, I'm just whinging lol
Please don't go back to him, that is not a loving relationship. In a good relationship your partner makes you feel good about yourself and supports your decisions and choices...and alway is on your side.
Trust me this may be Ok some of the time, but is controlling and negative too much.
You will be happier without him, you will enjoy your life again, your anxiety is probably caused or excaberated by him...get rid of him and enjoy your freedom,
You can get the police to remove him right away, he has no legal right to be there if he's not on the tenancy. I'd call the police to assist removing him, report him for emotional abuse so it's logged if he escalates and change the locks. If it's too late today then do it tmw. Call the police now and tell them you're removing an abusive ex tmw and that hes trespassing by refusing to leave your property.
This is an abusive relationship. He is abusing you. Yy you won't get that now - not least bcs your brain is fried (bcs he has fried it).
Find some way, any way, to get him OUT. If it means sleeping on your friends sofa for a month then so be it: it's not fair but you can't be in his presence bcs he's toxic.
Contact Women's Aid, do the Freedom Programme. You'll get good advice and support, practical as well as emotional. The FP will be a relief - you'll recognise The Headworker, amongst other things. [My phone won't let me link but re Women's Aid, Google 'local Women's Aid office' and click ' domestic abuse directory'. Re Freedom Programme click ' find a course near you ' on their site.]
There is a way through this. Many of us have got through and come out the other side
Please read up about Emotional Abuse, Narcissistic Tendencies and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It sounds to me like you will be able to tick a lot of the boxes for someone in a relationship with a narc or emotionally abusive individual. Telling you that you are in a bad mood or being difficult when you know you are not is called gaslighting which is a very common narc tactic. It makes you doubt your own sense of reality. They often say you have done something or said something and you won't remember doing or saying that thing but they will be so convincing that you will doubt yourself and often end up apologising for things you haven't done. Likewise isolating you from friends and family by making out that you are acting unreasonably is another common narc tactic. Please either go to the police and report what has happened (you can do this in confidence so that they simply have a record of what has happened in case the abuse escalates) or if you can ask them to ask him to leave the property if he is refusing to do so or confide in a close friend or family member who you know will support you no matter what he says and ask them to come with you while you go back to your home and ask him to pack his belongings and leave. Make sure your support person stays with you at all times so that he cannot undermine you then i would suggest going no contact with him for at least a couple of weeks so that you can get a bit of perspective on your relationship. Although by the sound of it you know you would be better off without him even though at the moment you still feel like you love him. If you do get him to leave get some counselling to break the unhealthy emotional connection you have with him.
He is absolutely an abuser and it is not your fault. He has taken advantage of you by living off you even when it killed you financially and then when he does pay something takes over your home, to which he has absolutely NO RIGHT. First he says he's staying til he's used up his credit on your bills. Then he says he doesn't care about the money. Can you see how crazy this?
I don't blame you for staying with others but this madman has no right to your home. As soon as you can get the landlord and police involved to remove him. Reclaim any keys he has. Let him sue you for the bill money that he owed you anyway.
I know you feel weak atm but it's time to reclaim what should be your sanctuary. This man is dangerous and manipulative, treating your kindness and need as a weakness to be exploited. He also thinks if he has taken the castle that you'll return tail between your legs because he damn well knows he's stolen your home! Go to the police, OP.
hope you are Ok...we are worried about you please update if you can..
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.