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Unsure what to do now

(22 Posts)
TommyJones Thu 02-Feb-17 17:39:40


I have had a somewhat on-off relationship with a woman. We dated briefly a few times before she said she wanted to meet up as friends. I went along with that, whilst seeing other people (because I assumed she really meant just friends), though I didn't meet anyone I clicked with. After 4 months or so she came on to me one evening and we got together and were an item (she told both her parents and friends we were) for 4 months or so, before out of the blue (to me) she called it off saying she wasn't ready and it was happening too fast. So...back to friends, though this time it was a struggle because I now had feelings. We recently went on holiday for a week and towards the end she kept getting in my bed and snuggling up to me for a few minutes before darting off back to her own bed. I decided once we got back maybe we had a chance at being more than friends again, and that I should think about going for it. We both had quite a few work trips after that so didn't have much chance to see each other (only met for a drink twice in a month), but she then invited to me to hers for dinner....where I was shocked to be told she has met someone and they are now an item! She still wants to be friends, and was really upset when I said I'm not sure I can be.

I dont know what to do now. I'm also really confused what all the snuggling on holiday was about if she had no interest beyond friendship (and she knows I do because when she told me about her new love interest she said she was worried I would be upset, which I was!). The idea of not seeing her anymore is horrible (and she has made it clear it will massively upset her too), as is watching her have a relationship with another man. I think my only choice is the first one though isn't it? If she's with someone else I guess I've blown any chance I might have had already at more than friendship.


Iflyaway Thu 02-Feb-17 17:45:40

Walk away.

She sounds mean and nasty, stringing you along. (dating, then confusing you jumping into your bed for a cuddle - WTF?!).

Then blithely tells you she has a new love interest.

No doubt, she will expect you to pick up the pieces of that one when it goes belly-up.

Like I said, walk away and don't look back - and go through the pain.

It will be a short sharp shock compared to the years of misery she could put you through.

PaterPower Thu 02-Feb-17 17:48:12

If I was feeling particularly cynical I would think the snuggling was about keeping you on tap as a reserve option.

And she knew it or she'd not have asked you if you were upset about this new bloke.

I think she'll stop you finding someone you can really click with if you keep her in your life. But that's just an outsider's opinion.

Kittencatkins123 Thu 02-Feb-17 18:57:35

She's messing you around and using you for an ego boost when it suits her. For some reason some people like stringing people along. I suspect if you stay friends and you meet someone who is actually interested, she'd ruin that for you while still not wanting a relationship with you herself.

Go no contact. Meet someone who likes you and is straightforward about their feelings and having a relationship. You'll wonder what the hell you were thinking. But you'll be happy so you won't care.

BumDNC Thu 02-Feb-17 19:03:15

You are back up guy.
I do hope you haven't been helping with things around the house or financially, you don't say you have.

I think it sounds like she likes having you adoring her. I don't think this is how you treat a friend. I would cool right off and take care of yourself. She sounds like she doesn't have your best interests at heart

TommyJones Thu 02-Feb-17 22:02:33

@BumDNC no I havent been helping out round the house or financially.

Deep down I know you are all probably right that she has strung me along semi-deliberately. But its hard to reconcile with the person I know that we have such a good time everytime we have met up, and with the fact she seems so desperate to stay friends. even though she has someone else now.

I'm think I'm going to see her less and make my life less based around her, so I can try and meet someone else. I've joined some new social groups and been on a few OLD, though I didn't find anyone with any spark so far.

HeddaGarbled Thu 02-Feb-17 22:24:38

I don't think you blew anything. She's messing you about. Getting in your bed and snuggling, then darting off, as a one off could suggest uncertainty, but to do it repeatedly is manipulative and unkind.

Don't be misled by the spark thing. Sparks burn and burn out, warmth lasts longer and doesn't leave scorch marks.

Albatross26 Thu 02-Feb-17 22:54:23

You sound lovely and she sounds like she is stringing you along because she knows she can. Sounds like she loves the attention and I bet she'd be really annoyed if she thought you weren't interested even though she clearly isn't in you!
Cool things off with her and just enjoy being by yourself. Don't fret about meeting someone, it'll happen and when it does you'll feel strong enough to make sure they treat you right!

TommyJones Thu 02-Feb-17 22:56:15

@HeddaGarbled well its hard to not to look back and analyse things and think I must have done something to put her off and hence "blew it", resulting in her treating me this way sad

Kittencatkins123 Thu 02-Feb-17 23:02:35

You sound lovely - she doesn't. Stop looking back and blaming yourself - maybe you did do something that put her off, maybe she just wasn't that into you. Either way it's not going to work, so you need to let it go, not provide her with an easy ego boost while she dates someone else and your life is on hold! And please try to see her for what she is - a selfish, manipulative user. There are many, much more lovely women in the world. Go and find one of them.

HarmlessChap Fri 03-Feb-17 02:02:02

She's horrid. She knows how you feel but is keeping you dangling while she shops around to see who else is out there.

Move on and forget her, even if you get together "properly" again she'll constantly be keeping her options open.

TommyJones Tue 14-Feb-17 22:38:32

I haven't seen her for ages, and was suprised to be invited round for dinner this evening of all days. Not sure what I expected but I saw someone, presumably the bloke she had told me about, had given her a valentines card and a huge box of chocolates. Shouldn't she have been cooking him dinner?! She was also asking me if I was seeing anyone.

Nothing happened, the whole thing seemed a bit of a weird setup.

SpiritedLondon Tue 14-Feb-17 22:51:52

What a cruel way to treat someone when you know they have feelings for you. Perhaps you're the " nice" guy that she keeps on the back burner til she needs a bit of an ego stroke. I don't think you can realistically be friends with someone when you're secretly hoping it will turn into something else. I would disappear for a while and see what she does... would she be determined to reel you back in or would she be concerned about where you were? Perhaps it's time to stop being her puppet on
A string.

SoleBizzz Wed 15-Feb-17 04:05:48

Please please dump. Block her number. Go no contact

TommyJones Wed 15-Feb-17 10:08:11

yes maybe I will disappear for a while.

I am so confused right now about the situation!

noego Wed 15-Feb-17 10:24:42

Her behaviour has made you confused. So don't let her behaviour confuse you.
She's playing you big time and if she can play you now she will play you all the time and you are acting like her little puppy dog.
You need to break this off and quick, She already has you around her little finger and I wonder how many more she has like that?

JustSpeakSense Wed 15-Feb-17 10:31:50

Walk away for good.

She does not feel the same way about you, she enjoys the attention and that is why she strings you along.

You could spend years going around in circles with her.

Cut ties with this woman, get over her and then you will be available to meet someone special who deserves you.

inlectorecumbit Wed 15-Feb-17 13:22:18

You are her back up plan and she is keeping you around in case her present relationship fails.
Walk away and find someone who wants and deserves to be in a relationship with you.

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 15-Feb-17 13:27:13

OK, so where was this fabulous 'other bloke' on Valentine's night? Are you absolutely sure he exists, because she sounds like a right fantasist who might well have bought her own card and chocolates to make you jealous and see what you'd do? And what would this 'other bloke' think about her spending Valentine's Day cooking for an ex?

I think this other man doesn't exist, and she's using him to make you jealous. Walk away. This has 'flakey bunny boiler' written all over it.

Montane50 Wed 15-Feb-17 15:45:58

Shes a headfuck user. To make herself feel better and probably to make the new man (if he even exists!) Jealous. Walk away, she'll make you feel worse each time you see her

hellsbellsmelons Wed 15-Feb-17 16:08:49

Or she is with a married man who had to be with his wife on valentines and she used you to make him jealous??

But yes, you are her back-up guy.
Don't be that guy.
You are getting out there so keep doing that!

And take heed of this (I am stealing it)
Sparks burn and burn out, warmth lasts longer and doesn't leave scorch marks

SoleBizzz Wed 15-Feb-17 19:34:52

Not for a while FOREVER get iver her. She has no regard for how you feel ir what you want to happen with her. You're living a fantasy that will never cone true.

Take back your power

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