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I have stopped fancying my husband - is this normal after 13 + years?

(24 Posts)
Boostbaby Thu 02-Feb-17 16:20:07

About 8 months ago, I met a guy at a party, we hit it off and he then made contact with me via email. I was naturally flattered that he had sought me out and he seemed keen to meet.

Cutting a long story short, we did meet and I felt an immediate attraction. It transpired he was married, as am I but the excitement was electric and I found it hard to step away from the situation.

Roll on 6 months and my husband has suspicions which has brought to a head our own marital problems. We have two children, the youngest being 12 which has made me stop and think about trying to rectify our problems. However, I checked out of the marriage sexually and emotionally many years ago (we have been married 13 years) due to a lack of communication and just not fancying him.

I suppose my question is once your emotions have moved away from your husband, can they come back again, can you ever physically fancy him again and can a marriage survive and actually get better?

spudlike1 Thu 02-Feb-17 20:08:09

Yes yir marriage can survive and get better .I had a similar experience , fell for someone else feelings were like you say 'electric' I went right off my husband in every way . Sought counselling purely for myself , it took 18 months to work through things . Two years since the counselling has stopped I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life . Still married ( we have two children 11 and 10) I love my husband again , sex life is better than it has ever been . I'm. So glad stayed and worked through things counseller saved my life I really mean that .
don't make hasty decisions try and get a deeper understanding of yourself first.

btw (the other man that I fell for was/is lovely, my husband is not perfect . But I blessings that I'm still with my husband for too many reasons to fit in this post .

buckyou Thu 02-Feb-17 20:10:04

Are you seeing this other man then?

GruochMacAlpin Thu 02-Feb-17 20:17:22

You aren't going to be able to clearly examine your feelings for your husband if you are having an affair.

CurlyhairedAssassin Thu 02-Feb-17 20:19:15

So you have him your email address? This wasn't unplanned then.

CurlyhairedAssassin Thu 02-Feb-17 20:19:31

Gave him

TresDesolee Thu 02-Feb-17 20:20:23

Are your husband's suspicions correct?

If you're asking whether you can rekindle things with your DH while getting your rocks off with Mr Married in hotel rooms, well no, you almost certainly can't.

Maybe that's not what you're doing but your OP has a few significant holes in it

PastoralCare Thu 02-Feb-17 21:41:09

So far both the carrot (you like Mr Married) and the stick (don't fancy your DH) are driving you away from DH.

But are you asking

Bold:*I suppose my question is once your emotions have moved away from your husband, can they come back again, can you ever physically fancy him again and can a marriage survive and actually get better?*

as a theoretical question, or do you really with to go back to DH and finish with lover?

Because if we say "yes it's possible" but you are not interested, it's pointless to ask if it's possible.

So what would be your ideal resolution in the future.

Divorce, move in and marry new man
Status quo, ongoing affair, cold war inside your household
Repair with DH and find love again?

spudlike1 Thu 02-Feb-17 23:15:50

I think she's 'checked out'

Dadaist Fri 03-Feb-17 10:05:26

Well OP I wouldn't mind betting that your marital problems date back to soon after you 'checked out sexually and emotionally'.
The script is that you will look to justify in your mind why it's his fault you are having an affair. But maybe the truth is you had a communication break down which it doesn't sound as if you tried very hard to fix before you gave up. Have you told him you've checked out? Or are you telling him you are happy with the way things are? From his point of view? - while I'm sure there are things he's done wrong in the past - it's pretty cruel to carry on in a marriage in 'limp mode' for years without addressing the issues.
I'm really heartened by spudlike1 's story. It could be that you blame him for your sense of unhappiness in your life? And that may be unfair? And while I wouldn't use the word 'normal' it is common that resentments build up that get between people and they stop connecting emotionally. And it is possible to reconnect by talking, counselling etc. But not when you've got the hots for someone else.
I think you should tackle it because this could become a pattern in your life?

HarryPottersMagicWand Fri 03-Feb-17 12:05:39

I don't know if it's possible, but I'm interested to know.

It's not clear if tou are having an affair though. If you are, then no, I imagine that's pretty much it tbh.

Boostbaby Fri 03-Feb-17 16:38:58

I have given the side dish up and yes it did become an affair. I feel terrible about letting it go for all the selfish reasons but I feel it is the right thing to do in the circumstances. I don't feel attracted to my DH but with all your fabulous advice, I feel sure that having the hots for someone else certainly wont allow any reconnection to happen with DH any time soon.

I suppose I miss the zing of a new relationship, the way it makes you feel alive again and not bored. Does this resonate with any other married women out there? I can't believe I am the only one with these feelings?

Spudlike1 I would love to know how the therapist helped you and if you are able to provide me with a number? It seems like it really worked out for you and I am very grateful to you for sharing your story, as I am grateful to you all for your comments and help wink

BakeOffBiscuits Fri 03-Feb-17 16:44:40


Adora10 Fri 03-Feb-17 17:04:05

We all fancy other people but having an affair when you and OM married is just scummy imo, no need for it, totally selfish behaviour.

End your marriage, it sounds like a joke.

OhhBetty Fri 03-Feb-17 17:32:04

Does your poor husband know about the affair? If you want to try and make your marriage work you need to tell him so he is at least in possession of all the facts and you can work on building trust and honesty. Right now he is probably blaming himself for your shitty behaviour and selfish actions.

Bob19701 Fri 03-Feb-17 17:35:51

Maybe the best way forwards would be to tell your DH all about the 'side dish' and how much you enjoyed it and let him decide if therapy is the way to go if he doesn't then you can have loads of zingy relationships as a single person ...I am betting your side dish finished it with you 🙄

Thinkingofausername1 Fri 03-Feb-17 18:11:41

Lust never lasts. You have to focus on the facts and work on your marriage not use this man As a way out because, you might not get on or feel attracted to him, in a few years down the line

user892 Fri 03-Feb-17 18:15:28

I suppose I miss the zing of a new relationship, the way it makes you feel alive again and not bored

That's hormonal. It fades. If you want a new relationship do please do your husband the courtesy of deciding whether he wants to continue being made a fool of, or not.

You do know if you begin again with someone else, you'll be in the exact same boat before long?

SloanyAnne Fri 03-Feb-17 18:19:10

Tell your husband he needs to get himself down the clap clinic as a starter.

OhhBetty Fri 03-Feb-17 18:23:31

Yes you should both also get tested! I think cheaters forget they're also putting their partners health at risk.

spudlike1 Fri 03-Feb-17 18:25:02

It was a very slow process the counselling was incredibly helpful , In many ways .
: I dealt with my past , I found out how to get what I need from hubby, I discovered that I was projecting the reasons for my unhappiness in the completely the wrong direction , i stopped blaming husband .
I no longer feel trapped, we plan for the future , we recognise how important it is to plan for fun and intimacy despite financial worries and job stress, I recognise what I want / need. I love my kids and I love the securiry that being in a marriage gives me .
Ive re- remembered why I married him in the first place and I love him again . We are a very good team . He respects me and loves me deeply , really that's all I what I want from a man -
loads of other stuff but everyone is different
main point is that throughout the turmoil I knew ( because I'm not naive) that a new man, however appealing was not the answer to my problems .
I new that going it alone would be tough.

And I'm not a selfish person

I care about my children too much not to put the effort in , I owe it to the man that married me to.put the effort in.
And I realise that I'm getting old and I don't want to fuck up .
I read loads, I thought loads, I observed others choices and the consequences of their choices
I feel like I had a lucky escape
I want to be proud that we made it to a long marriage and grew old together .

Like I said the other man ( I would never call him a 'side dish' rather shallow don't you think ) was a lovely man but hey we weren't married !

spudlike1 Fri 03-Feb-17 18:43:51

Btw you sound rather over- indulged ( like a spoilt child ) young niave and selfish
I could be wrong of course

spudlike1 Fri 03-Feb-17 18:45:28

Maybe you are deeply troubled and deeply deppressed

But 'side dish' ...really hmm

UglySoul Fri 03-Feb-17 19:04:56

13 years is a long time, you had a pretty good run tbh

if you're gonna get a new man though, make sure you will have an equal if not better run with him

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