Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He wont let me see my step child.

(14 Posts)
BIBI321 Thu 02-Feb-17 16:14:23

A little back ground (and sorry, im new to looking at your threads so i dont really understand the short terms for partners/children ect.. yet)..
I was with my ex for 10 years.
He had a little boy with his ex who was 4 when we met, i was 17. (Child now 14).

My ex had full custody. His mother has had very little contact in the last 10 years.
She had other children/married. Literally forgot her poor boy.
This is where I stepped in. And we had a great family life and home. I became mum with duties but also love. He's my baby.
Im sure i dont have to explain everything, but i treated him like my own.
I unfortunately am unable to have my own children due to health problems so this kid gave me so much too..
Fast forward 10 years and my ex cheated on me. Several times, with the same woman.
I had to leave. There was no way i would stand for that. As far as i knew we were fine. Hardly argued, still having great sex and fun with eachother.. it came totally out of the blue. He blamed being drunk.. which he always is so how could i ever trust him again? Fuck that.
Ive set myself up well. I have a good job, found a nice flat.. deliberately looked for 2 beds for my boy to stay.
Am i stupid in thinking i could still see him and be his mum?
Obviously i knew he wouldn't live with me but i did think id still have him in my life.
My ex says im crazy. He's not my child. He's cut me out completely. I think he's mad i wouldnt forgive him? And annoyed that i actually easily sorted myself out without him.
He's cruel and sarcastic with me. Laughed in my face like im an idiot for asking to see the boy..
The boy (i hate calling him thathmm) added me on facebook kept talking to me. Telling me about his new school. Saying he misses me. Everything will be good when i move back in ect...
And my ex went mental with me! Told me to leave him alone. I cant talk to the kid without him involved..
Ok. So theres loads more i can say but im so bad at writing.
My heart is acheing. I feel like ive had my child ripped away from me and i dont know what to do. That kid knows nothing but me. I worry about silly things like is his uniform clean? Is my ex making him packed lunches? Hows football?
I feel useless. And i know my ex is useless. Hes lazy and drunk (more so now because i left). I almost agreed to go back just to make sure the boy is being cared for properly. I was 98% there! But i cant stand my ex touching me!
I know the boy needs me.
I deliberately talk to my ex everyday still just to hear how the kid is.. my kid!
I cant stand this mich longer.
He's 14 now and im sure he should be able to decide? But its true. Im not his mother. My ex and i didnt even marry. I have no rights..
It seams my only choice is go back or forget the last 10 years never happened. That i never brought a child up atall and just move on.
This has been since April last year and im fed up!
I know he wants to stay with me, see me.. but my ex wont let it happen.
I know this is long and thanks to anyone who reads it. I guess ive mostly had a huge rant, im sorry guys..
But i need some words of wisdom. I dont know what to do.

GloriousTeaParty Thu 02-Feb-17 16:22:52

Sounds like you exs son will really need you now whether your blood related or not youve been a mother to him for a big part of his life. Hope someone can for you some good advice on you rights and best thing that you could do next. I would certainly stay in touch with him direct and on Facebook if possible.

PaterPower Thu 02-Feb-17 16:43:44

You could try for access via the Court but it wouldn't be a given. The lad's opinion would be taken into account, given his age.

Possibly worth an initial 30min with a solicitor (usually you get half an hour free) however from experience they fill that half hour up just taking your details and talking in massively general terms - they want you to pay them. Check that what you're getting is actually free - I thought I was having a free initial consult and was somewhat surprised to get stung with a £210 bill at the end!

There may also be step-parent groups that could give you some advice, and/or maybe Women's Aid (others could confirm - they may just be about abusive situations).

BIBI321 Thu 02-Feb-17 17:24:50

I was hoping i wouldnt have to take the solicitor route but my options are so limited - luckily for me i do have some savings behind me so money isnt an issue. Im going to look into this some more.
Unfortunately from what ive read up on though.. im probably not going have much luck?
As a step parent who wasnt married i think my boys opinion is the life line.
Thanks so much for you advice..
Ive really dilly dallied around hoping i wouldnt have to take drastic action but it seams i have to.

BIBI321 Thu 02-Feb-17 17:27:36

Yea, ive decided I'll ignore my exs demands about facebook. Until i feel i may get in trouble I'll stay in contact as best i can.
Especially as my boy messages me first, I'll always answer.

rumred Thu 02-Feb-17 17:49:02

I had this with an ex and I bitterly regret not pushing it.
Think about the child and what's right for them. Not being a blood relative does not mean you aren't important

SaorAlbaGuBrath Thu 02-Feb-17 17:50:56

DP still sees his DSDs from his marriage, they've always called him dad and he is their dad in every way except biologically. If you took it to court you'd stand a good chance of access/contact.

PattyPenguin Thu 02-Feb-17 18:25:42

OP, if you try to keep in touch through social media / texting / email and to get contact through the courts, you're showing the lad how much he means to you.

In 4 years' time he'll be 18, an adult, and able to please himself who he's in contact with. Even if his father makes things awkward in the meantime, he'll remember what you did to try to keep the relationship going.

Seeingadistance Thu 02-Feb-17 18:27:15

I'm crying reading this. Your ex is being needlessly cruel to you and your kid. Yes, your kid!

If I were you, I would see a lawyer and get advice. A 14 year old can certainly express his own wishes and should have them heard and respected. Please, don't let this go. And don't go back to this man. Do everything you can to continue the relationship with your boy.

Stay strong and determined for him. You both deserve to keep the good and loving relationship you've built up over the past 10 years.

Seeingadistance Thu 02-Feb-17 18:31:44

Just thought - my nephew's now ex girlfriend was pregnant with another's man baby when they got together. The little girl's biological father wasn't interested, and my nephew was effectively a father to her. He managed to get parental rights to her, and I'm pretty sure that was after he and the girl's mother had split up. They were never married, and the little girl was very young at the time - 3 years old - so not even old enough to express her own opinion.

Linning Thu 02-Feb-17 23:34:15

If that helps you OP, my parents separated when I was still a toddler and I was raised by my mother and stepfather. To me my stepfather is very much my father, he is now separated from my mother and has been since I was 18 and I have never stopped seeing him, I even lived with him for a while after he & my mother broke things off as I get along better with him than I do with my mother.
I am sure your boy consider you very much like his mother and I would keep talking to him through text etc... (despite what your ex says). I have been living abroad for a while and my stepdad (can't wrap my head around refering to him as my mother's ex!) is the only person who actually make the effort to call and catch up with me at least biweekly while my own mother could easily let 6 months go by without hearing from me if I don't call or email her first.
Family really are only the people who are here for you when you need them and it seems like you've more than stepped up to the

I know my stepdad felt anxious about leaving my mother as he was scared he would lose me too and I think he is still anxious about that sometimes, but truth be told, I could never forget everything he has done for me when he didn't have to and I am sure your son feels the same.

BottleBeach Fri 03-Feb-17 07:37:12

I think you would need the court's permission to apply for a child arrangements order, but on the basis of what you've said its fairly likely it would be agreed. Then, given your step-son's age, a lot would come down to his wishes and feelings. The court may ask someone from Cafcass to go and speak with him. If you are concerned that your ex's alcohol use affecting his parenting, they would also look into that.

JanuaryMoods Fri 03-Feb-17 07:43:58

Don't go back.

Your SS will be 16 soon and able to decide for himself who he sees. Keep the lines of communication open until then, he still needs you.

debbs77 Fri 03-Feb-17 11:10:36

Definitely don't go back, do stay in contact. And well done for being such an amazing person!

If he drinks an awful lot then maybe that could work in your favour?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: