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I need to process this

(37 Posts)
BerylStreep Thu 02-Feb-17 14:54:59

I'm not sure why I am posting. I know what the answer needs to be - I just need to process it. I also know I contributed to this situation.

I've been married for 14 years - we muddle through, both working and raising children. Usual ups and downs. H is good with DC, we share money equally. Generally helpful around the house. Main bone of contention is the effing gym, as it's now known.

Tuesday night H said he was going to bed at 10pm. I said I would be up in 1/2 an hour as the programme I was watching would be over then. DD came down feeling unwell, and I dealt with her, then went up to bed at 10.45.

Bedroom was in darkness, and I whispered if I could switch on my side light - I couldn't find my pyjamas. DH grunted. As soon as I switched on the light, H got really angry and started shouting that he was asleep, and to switch the light out. I explained I was just getting my pyjamas and would switch it out in a moment. He kept shouting, again and again. Then he called me a cunt.

For a bit of background, if I go up to bed first, I will usually keep a side light on for DH so he can see when he comes up to bed. DH often goes up to bed first, and will spend time reading on the iPad - even after I have come up and started to go to sleep. He also has form for being passive aggressive about bed-time. He will often go up first, read the iPad, but when he hears me on the stairs, switches out the lights and pretends to be asleep. I know because I can see the light on in the room, but by the time I have washed my teeth the room will be in darkness and he is pretending to sleep.

After he called me a cunt things got heated. I said to him how dare he call me a cunt, and threw my phone in his general direction - it missed. I was wrong, I know, but I couldn't believe I was having abuse screamed at me for daring to try to find my pyjamas. DH turned round and lashed out at me, striking me on my breast. He screamed at me 'If I fight you, you will lose.' He said it a couple of times, in a really venomous manner. I said to him 'what are you talking about?'.

I thought he was about to beat me up. He is significantly stronger than I am, and I have an extremely unstable neck which I get regular physio for, and am in constant pain. It severely limits my activities.

I told him I wasn't prepared to sleep in the same bed as him, and told him to leave to go to the spare room. He left the bedroom, but I could hear him prowling about the house. I was absolutely terrified, and lay in bed listening to him moving around. I had my mobile in my hand with 99 dialled in, so that I just needed to dial another 9 if needed. He came into the room a few times, and I pretended I was reading on my phone. I was shaking inside, but didn't want to show it.

He came in again and apologised and said he was really angry because I had woken him up. I pointed out that I leave the light on for him all the time, and that he reads on the iPad when I am trying to sleep. He just said he was really angry because I had woken him up.

I haven't spoken to him since then. I worked late yesterday to try to avoid him, and he is away on business for the next two days. I feel as if a line has been crossed that we can't go back from. I feel completely empty inside, with a constant lump in my throat and behind my eyes.

In the time we have known each other he has been violent to me once or twice.

I don't want to disrupt my children's lives - my parents divorced and it was horrible. But nor can I see a way that I can forget about this and move on. I really just don't know what to do.

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots Thu 02-Feb-17 15:10:18

I would leave a man that called me a cunt. No ifs or buts.

Adora10 Thu 02-Feb-17 15:13:37

You have to split from him OP, he's both physically and verbally abusive, you are walking on egg shells; your children won't thank you for staying in this environment because they will feel the stress and even see what is going on which is bloody awful.

Feel sorry for you but for me an apology just doesn't cut it but I'd have left the minute he raised his hand to me; never an excuse, EVER.

ImperialBlether Thu 02-Feb-17 15:13:45

Me too. No second chances.

AnyFucker Thu 02-Feb-17 15:16:20

He's been violent to me once or twice

No decent man was ever described like that

Ilovecaindingle Thu 02-Feb-17 15:16:47

Could his obsession with the gym be connected to this behaviour? Is he taking steroids maybe?
If he is just a twat then ltb obviously.

AnyFucker Thu 02-Feb-17 15:17:33

Also ltb even if he is taking steroids

SaorAlbaGuBrath Thu 02-Feb-17 15:19:00

No decent man was ever described like that

^ this!

Once is once too many.

kitXi Thu 02-Feb-17 15:22:02

Nope, wouldn't put up with this. It IS infuriating to be woken up, but it's no excuse for violence. Hope you are ok OP

InTheMoodForLove Thu 02-Feb-17 15:28:31

He's been violent to me once or twice

Because you have been very good to adapt your behaviour around him for a very long time and let lots slide to avoid conflict/confrontation
Passive aggressive do that to people around them

loopylou6 Thu 02-Feb-17 15:35:35

Nobody should ever feel genuinely terrified of their own partner.

TheNaze73 Thu 02-Feb-17 15:37:04

There are no excuses for his behaviour

CockacidalManiac Thu 02-Feb-17 15:37:09

If you stay with him, it'll disrupt their lives even more. Plus it'll fuck up their concept of a healthy relationship, and that can last them a lifetime.
Do yourself and them a favour, and get rid.

TheFirstMrsDV Thu 02-Feb-17 15:41:56

If there was no other factors and he was usually a good person you could put it down to being woken up. I am often confused and snappy when I am woken suddenly.

But he is already violent and your post hints and quite a few issues.

This episode is just one of many things isn't it?


Adora10 Thu 02-Feb-17 15:42:40

There's not even basic respect there OP, how can your children learn to have a healthy and kind and respectful relationship themselves when they are seeing this crap, and calling you a cunt, they wont forget that either, I hope to god they never saw the violence.

Call Women's Aid, they are there to help you make the move.

You won't have to disrupt their lives, he should go especially when violence and abuse is present.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 02-Feb-17 15:46:30

Please leave him OP. He could really do you some physical damage next time...he is barely in control of his violence, or at least choosing to be barely in control. This will not get any better IME. Sorry. x

fuzzywuzzy Thu 02-Feb-17 15:51:59

He's been violent towards you once or twice previously?

Once is more than enough to LTB.

Call women's aid for advice.

Your dc and you are not in a happy safe environment

LEELULUMPKIN Thu 02-Feb-17 15:55:38

Sounds like "roid rage" to me. Not acceptable but may explain why. Have you asked him OP? You say the gym is the the main bone of contention, if he is getting obsessive about it it's highly possible.

Stuffedshirt Thu 02-Feb-17 15:57:32

I just couldn't live with the fear. Get out and take your child with you. flowers

EssieTregowan Thu 02-Feb-17 15:59:48

I wouldn't be with someone again who called me names. Let alone the violence.

What do you want to do?

BerylStreep Thu 02-Feb-17 16:07:57

I don't think he is on steroids - when I think of steroid users I think of people wandering around with veins showing on their necks, and arms and legs the size of tree trunks - although he is obsessed with the gym. He was going up to 4 times a week and leaving me to deal with DC, do homework, make dinner and the like. That's why it is a bone of contention. Then there is all the laundry the gym going generates, and the assumption was that I would sort it all out on my day off during the week.

I feel as if I have been eroded away bit by bit. There are lots of friends who have fallen by the wayside because he didn't like them. I've dropped my hobbies bit by bit - partly because I am so busy with house & kids & work, and also because of the difficulties with my health. Before I met him I was so independent - had my own house, had travelled the world, wide circle of friends - and now if I am honest, I fear the unknown and loneliness of splitting. But I know I am fooling myself.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Feb-17 16:14:05

Wow - this is not good at all.
You've had good advice.
You know what you have to do but I appreciate that must be very difficult to actually do.
Contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them about everything.
I would bet steroid use as well if he is gym obsessed.

LEELULUMPKIN Thu 02-Feb-17 16:17:27

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. Not all users/abusers of steroids look like the incredible hulk. Can you do a bit of snooping in his gym bag etc? However your main priority is the safety of your DCs and yourself.

Whatever the cause, it is not acceptable and you need to put yourself out of harms way.

pudding21 Thu 02-Feb-17 16:18:57

Please take the above advice when you are in this moment, when you are feeling like this. Don;t let him smooth it over and try and forget about it.

Trust me, I know only too well and am now "waiting" for the next episode so I can make my move and leave.

OH has called me a c**t, spat in my face and put his hands round my throat. The ongoing passive aggressive EA is like torture. I should have left months ago, I tried to tell myself he would change. He hasn't been physical again but its probably only a matter of time.

No-one should be treated like that. Please leave while you have the inner fight to do so.

Adora10 Thu 02-Feb-17 16:19:54

Just because he goes to the gym regularly doesn't mean he's taking steroids fgs, where is the evidence for that???

OP, he clearly does not enhance your life, if anything, he makes it difficult, I really feel for you but there's no harm in finding out your rights and how you would be independent of him; it will give you a bit control back and perhaps give you hope that you can leave, or get him out.

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