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Help needed for friend - financial abuse

(8 Posts)
SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 02-Feb-17 13:19:41

Ok, to be brief, my friend is popping over shortly, prior to making her first visit to a solicitor, she's being financially abused by her husband, who expects her to pay for everything she and their daughter need, plus feed the whole family (including his grown up children and 2 dogs) from the £120 a week. Refuses her any more money to help her train - she was trying to study bookkeeping but had to put it on hold because she can't afford the course fees. Probably relevant that they live in a big 5 bedroom detached house in the countryside, but effectively she and their daughter are living in poverty, and she struggles to afford school uniform etc.

Friend is fairly naive and could do with some guidance, so what would be the best use of her time in the slot she has with a solicitor this afternoon? What should she ask? Not been through this myself, so all I was able to say was that it's not right and she'd be better off on her own. Is that true? Want to be able to give her constructive advice when she comes...

SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 02-Feb-17 13:22:48

Also his grown up daughter is back in the home now - doing nothing but being a drain on family resources, and backing her dad up saying he shouldn't give her a penny more and if she wants to study she needs to pay for it out of her own wages. I think the daughter coming back is what has tipped my friend over the edge and made her realise it's not right.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland Thu 02-Feb-17 13:27:54

My priorities would be child contact, roof over head, imediate financial impact of situation and how she can protect herself, longer term asset seperation and financial separation. A plan for how and when to say anything for example is she named on the house deeds? She can send something to the land registry to register her interest if they're married.

SugarMiceInTheRain Thu 02-Feb-17 13:34:25

Thank you Flouncing, that is helpful - my head's been spinning since she told me so just want to get as much down on paper as possible so she can think about all the different aspects of separation/ divorce.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland Thu 02-Feb-17 13:51:32

Right now she actually holds all the cards. It's important she maintains as much mental control as possible. Everyone's list is going to differ but for most SAHM's I'd guess staying with their child is going to be high on the list.

Thinking about her husbands relationship with their? daughter. Is he a very involved dad? If he's a bit of a control freek then he may spout about claiming custody etc, not that either parent gets custody really anymore, but what may/can actually be in everyones interest. If theres a way of not settling on to much rigidity in the contact it may actually end up being a more positive long term relationship and work in everyones interests.

If he's a really busy work driven person contact for half a day every other weekend and the ocassional midweek trip out/ phone call may well be the pattern things fall into. If he's told that's what he's getting he may well fight for 50/50 or try for more but be after this for all the wrong reason

Something when you're in the frustrations of divorce that its hard to get your head around, but essential to absorb if there is no reason to stop child contact, is you can't divorce your life completely from your partner. Your child will be a forever bond. Birthdays, religious festivals, school plays, sports days, weddings, birth of Grandchildren. All these things will throw you back together. Establishing a method of civility is vital to protect the child and their future.

gov link on registering home rights

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Feb-17 13:56:19

Get her to contact Womens Aid as well.
0808 2000 247
They can help her with local support services and guide in what she will need to divorce this piece of shite!

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland Thu 02-Feb-17 14:04:28

I'd second that hellsbells. Womens aid are properly clued up and will be able to advise and preworn of the games that can be played.

StripeyCover Thu 02-Feb-17 14:34:58

Tell her not to say or do anything out of the ordinary at home until she is clear about what she wants to do. The wait until she has her "ducks in a row" scenario. Otherwise he may pre-empt her with legal moves or move his money. Agree whoever said she has to try and stay as mentally strong as possible. Great that she has a friend like you.

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