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Would you ever date someone who has no contact with his child?

(268 Posts)
Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:14:33

I have NCed for this and it is quite outing so I will be vague, but I will try and answer questions as best I can.

The relationship between him and his ex broke down very early in the pregnancy (before the first scan) as he lost his job and she asked him to leave. He was not allowed to the scans and has not seen the child since he was a baby (now almost 3). A mediation appointment was set up which she did not attend. She did not put him on the birth certificate, which I understand further complicates things. She then moved but did not tell him where to. He paid maintenance and then stopped it so she would have to pursue him through CSA (or whatever they are called now) and he could insist on a DNA test and get put on the birth certificate. She has never done this because she knows what would happen and she does not want him to have parental rights. He has sort legal advice but cannot afford the thousands in legal fees it will take to get a court ordered DNA test, get on the birth certificate and then sort out contact, and he would probably have to know where they are first. He is saving to do this, but feels it is a long way off and hopes the mother has a change of heart or that the child expresses a wish to see him. I don't know, but if I were a child and my father were not around I would feel extremely hurt and perhaps not want to see him.

They do not have contact as she will not let him have her phone number. She will sometimes unblock him on social media to berate him for not paying maintenance, and then block him again. I was initially very dubious about everything to be honest, but the subject has come up around his family members, not discussed in depth or anything and I didn't ask any questions about it, but I have heard bits and pieces that seem to verify his version of events.

It is a very new relationship, but I feel everyone has "baggage", for want of a better word (I know I do!) and I don't really feel like I want to run for the hills just yet (which I feel some posters may tell me to do as it's a lot to take in in a new relationship) as it is otherwise going extremely well, and if people were to write people off in the beginning for having struggles, well, I don't think anyone would be dating me!

I think the reason I am posting is because I feel like if it were my child I would be fighting tooth and nail, even if it meant borrowing, getting into debt, hiring a PI to find them, etc., etc. Is this ever not the case? Why wouldn't it be the case?

Wolfiefan Thu 02-Feb-17 12:18:17

You only know half the story. I would be very wary. I can't imagine denying my partner access to his kids (unless he was abusive) or giving up my kids without a bloody big struggle.

Wondermoomin Thu 02-Feb-17 12:19:18

I wouldn't hold it against him for the reasons you've described. I would just try to make sure there's not a more serious reason why his ex is trying to evade him (was she in danger from him?).

Heatherbell1978 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:19:44

It sounds like there might be more to the relationship breakdown than meets the eye as she's going out of her way a lot to keep the child away from him. It does sound like he's doing what he can to see his child though.
I met a guy a few years ago who told me on the first date that he had a 6 month old son. He admitted to freaking out a bit when his ex got pregnant (they'd been together 10 years!!) and he left her. I was shocked and decided not to see him again.

Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:20:23

Wolfie It's the second part of your statement that is really bothering me. The idea that he was abusive did occur to me, but I really, really don't think so. As much as you can be sure of these things.

RatherBeRiding Thu 02-Feb-17 12:20:27

Well if he can't afford the horrendous legal fees then what on earth do you expect him to do? The mother seems hell bent on keeping him away from the child. He doesn't know her address or contact details, she won't pursue him for maintenance because she knows that risks him finding out where she is and pursing her for contact.

Give the bloke a break!

Bluntness100 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:22:13

I'd also suspect there is more to this, for her to cut contact and want him to have no details of where they lived or even phone numbers I'd suspect he was very abusive and she's done it for her and the child's safety. His family would probably not know that or mention it.

I'd be concerned here, can you message her and ask? If this was abuse, then I'd be wary that he'd do the same to you.

Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:22:46

Heather I would absolutely have done the same in the situation you describe!

The relationship was fairly new and rocky anyway, I understand. It was not a planned pregnancy, although she had expressed that she wanted children. When he lost his job she seemed worried that he would not be able to provide and that she would be better off alone. I have seen messages and they are very hostile.

2014newme Thu 02-Feb-17 12:23:44


Bluntness100 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:23:55

Oh and they are seldom abusive from the start. They are usually lovely. The abuse is something they like to save up for a bit later on.

Bluntness100 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:25:07

>>When he lost his job she seemed worried that he would not be able to provide and that she would be better off alone<<

That's illogical, as she's been chasing him for maintenance. Did he tell you that?

Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:26:33

Rather Yes, one side of me says what you say. I think my thinking is more along the lines of "Okay, you can't afford to do it all now, but you could do the first bit of it, and see where that gets you, until you have the money for the whole process". It's the... I don't know if "apathy" is the right word, that gets me.

Bluntness He did have addresses and phone numbers for the first year or so after the child was born, but then she cut contact. He wasn't actually seeing the child at that point. I don't really know if it's relevant, but I'm just trying to give some additional information.

Wolfiefan Thu 02-Feb-17 12:27:21

Who breaks up with a loved and loving partner because they lose their job? confused

Ricekrispiesquare Thu 02-Feb-17 12:27:42

Have you googled him to see if anything comes up? If I google my ex's name and the word 'assault' a link to the local gazette where he was convicted comes up as they're usually published in there! Try words like restraining order, assault, harassment etc to see if anything comes up. If not you're perfectly within your rights to ask for information from the police under Claire's law- just explain what you have to us and are concerned there may be more to the story

OneWithTheForce Thu 02-Feb-17 12:28:14

No. because I would assume he is lying about what he has or hasn't done in his attempt to be a parent. Speaking as someone whose child's paternal grandparents were able to get a contact order granted. If you want to be in a child's life you will be.

Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:28:29

But she hasn't chased him for maintenance. She will not contact the CSA. She unblocks him on social media and tells him off for not paying, he says he doesn't know where she is and he wants to see his child, she says he's out of order for not paying and then blocks him again. I have seen this with my own eyes.

Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:30:03

Rice Yes, I have and there's nothing. Thank you for the advice though and I'm sorry that happened to you!

JustAnotherPoster00 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:31:35

OP does his ex have BPD by any chance?

I don't know if "apathy" is the right word, that gets me.

Perhaps he is used to the way she is and knows theres not a lot he can do about it, and fathers dont tend to have the same attatchment to children as mothers, can sometimes be a case of out of sight out of mind

Love51 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:32:49

I wouldn't. Because either that person doesn't have the same values as me, or, very slight possibility, they do have my values, and horrendous judgement of people (in their choice of an ex). If you have kids or want kids, I'd steer well clear. If you want a fling, it might be ok. But this situation could change at any time. If the 'saving up' was genuine, I might relent - if he's saving til it hurts, rather than just a few quid here and there, but I probably wouldn't hang around long enough to find that out. But I'm a fussy bugger and have quite high expectations of a partner!

Bluntness100 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:32:51

>> She unblocks him on social media and tells him off for not paying, he says he doesn't know where she is and he wants to see his child, she says he's out of order for not paying and then blocks him again<<

If this isn't chasing him for maintenance what is? I'm sorry that confuses me.

Do you know what happened in that first year for her to cut contact to the level he wasn't allowed to even have a phone number?

Baldricksslug Thu 02-Feb-17 12:34:25

Just I am trying to word this so I don't have people jump on me for portraying her as "the mad ex" but honestly from what I have been told (by several people who know her), I think it is a possibility, yes.

That did occur to me, about the attachment, and also having spent so little time with him the attachment has not grown perhaps and it is a different feeling to that which I would have if it were me, who has not been apart from my child since birth.

BubblingUp Thu 02-Feb-17 12:34:30

Her behavior is extreme and I would want to know why she feels the way she does. I don't think mothers make this decision lightly (to cut off the dad). Maybe he's abusive. Maybe she was seeing someone else at the time of conception.

I don't believe his reason to not pursue this legally due to cost. Also, mothers just can't put the name of the dad on the birth certificate - at least in my jurisdiction. The dad can put his name on there, but the mom can't unilaterally name a dad on it.

JustAnotherPoster00 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:34:43

If this isn't chasing him for maintenance what is? I'm sorry that confuses me.

There are official ways she can go about this but is choosing not too

Something that just occured to me OP is he sure its his and the reason she has chosen not to go the CMS route is incase he questions paternity?

FearTheLiving Thu 02-Feb-17 12:35:28

I wouldn't.
My ex's story is pretty sad. He's just a poor hard done by bloke who loves his daughter and has tried everything's he can to see her but the evil mother is stopping him and spreading lies. He even pays maintenance!
Truth is, he was incredibly violent to me, has never been stopped from seeing his daughter but just doesn't want to. Obvisouky he tells his version to make him look like less of a prick.

Emboo19 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:35:50

I'd be very cautious! And take things very slowly.
3 Years is a long time how much as he managed to save up? What's he doing to increase that amount, overtime? not going out? Has he looked to representing himself? One of my dads friends did so and it saved him a lot of money!
She may well be being spiteful, it happens!

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