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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can counselling bring the chemistry back?

18 replies

PhuckPaulDacre · 02/02/2017 09:35

Was hoping this situation would pass, but have been emotional for weeks now so think I might need to face things head on

I love my dh but am not sure I'm in love with him and am not attracted to him. If I'm honest, I think the lack of attraction has been there a long time but has been brought screaming to my attention as a mild infatuation I have with a colleague has intensified over recent weeks. Now, I'm never going to act on this. I am usually a confident person but am overcome with anxiety when this man enters the office and can barely remember how to speak. Thankfully we don't currently directly work together.

Have read other threads on similar subjects, advising people to enjoy the crush (what?! This is not fun!)

As for my marriage, my husband would do anything for me, he is a fantastic person, father etc but if I don't fancy him can this come back? He is not stupid and am sure he has noticed how distant I have been.

Was hoping this would resolve but it hasn't. Have drafted this post before and deleted it but I think it's time for some advice. Don't want to tell anyone irl - even writing this makes my situation all too true... have been considering counselling (just for me, not for my poor dh who has done nothing to deserve this) but would have no idea how to source this or if it would even work... help!

OP posts:

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WienerDiva · 02/02/2017 11:31

I don't want to read and run.

I'm in a similar situation to yourself but somewhat further along by the sounds of it.

And no two situations are the same.

Is it just a crush with office chap? Nor do you wish for more?

PhuckPaulDacre · 02/02/2017 13:18

When you say further along, what has happened for you, if you don't mind me asking?

Honestly re colleague - taking things further would be an almighty mess so prob not worth it. Although my suspicion that my feelings might be reciprocated is what has turned me into an anxious mess each time I see him. Usually it's celebs I get crushes on so this is all v strange. Am like a frigging teenager....

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WienerDiva · 02/02/2017 13:33

I'm in a right fucking mess to be honest with you.

But I can only say from experience, don't go there at the moment.

Keep well away until the giddy infatuation stage is over.

WienerDiva · 02/02/2017 13:35

How long have you been with your dh? Has he physically changed that drastically to longer find him attractive?

PhuckPaulDacre · 02/02/2017 14:01

Sorry to hear that, Diva. But I appreciate the advice

Been with him around 15 years, married for half that. He prob looks better than he ever has, which is why I mentioned chemistry. Am not usually about appearances tbh. With this work guy there is a stomach flip iyswim. Not felt that in a while... struggle to say I love you or kiss dh. I feel awful.

Thanks for your replies and hope your situation gets easier

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Bct23 · 02/02/2017 14:07

When did you last have the attraction?

WienerDiva · 02/02/2017 14:12

I hear you Phuck.

Same sort of timings and as me and my situation.

Do you maybe feel that you're not as emotionally in tune with one another anymore?

I ha e to emotionally connect with someone to be attracted to them.

StickyMouse · 02/02/2017 14:43

It worked for me, in my case resentment and anger took away the desire, I have it back now. (DTD last 2 nights).

It took some arguments, lashing out and working together to make it work, then some fun times and I hate to admit but being treated well (dates, a gift) actually made me respond, I never thought that I was materialistic but I think that it was the being made to feel special that did it.

we used Relate, bloody expensive but worth it,

Dadaist · 03/02/2017 15:47

I don't think you can expect your DH to compete with the first flash of chemistry with a stranger. If you'd been married to your new work colleague for ten years you wouldn't be quite so giggly would you?
The answer - as said above - is you need to explore why having a loving husband and father isn't enough? Have you harboured resentments - are you looking to him to make you happy and now fantasising that another man would make you happier?
You know this is a bit of lust and projection right?
So - if you carry on with your marriage in 'limp mode' it won't make the distance. And that is your children's parents apart - and huge upheaval- and sharing them every Christmas, every birthday- often awkward family celebrations, recriminations, rifts over money, maintenance, child care, - I think you've just gone into teenage brain mode - or you think men are responsible for your happiness.
So honestly? Take a step back. Look at what you've got and try to rekindle the chemistry with your DH. Counselling really can help. And if it doesn't work - be honest with him and let him decide too. DH sounds like one of the good guys - and if he leaves you, you may find yourself aching for him in every way when it's too late.

Vagabond · 03/02/2017 16:03

Wow. I've been there.

All I can say is: there's a lot to be said for stability.

But, if you don't want to shag your husband, that's not a life either.

I have no answers. But....dreading going to bed with a husband you don't fancy, and dreading sex (thinking....."oh god! it's been 10 days, I really ought to DTD") is no life either.

Or is it?

LIfe is a compromise.

Dadaist · 03/02/2017 16:51

Vagabond - that's not a compromise- it sounds utterly gross!

PhuckPaulDacre · 03/02/2017 16:57

Thanks - can people tell me more about counselling and how to access it?
Am feeling so down and just cried in the car all the way home. Have had to hold it together while ignoring colleague all day. Am sure he thinks I'm a complete weirdo for being so aloof but that's prob for the best but trying to keep a lid on things is exhausting

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PhuckPaulDacre · 03/02/2017 17:09

Is there a cost involved with counselling? Think part of this afternoon's tears were also for my terrifying bank balance...

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Dadaist · 03/02/2017 17:22

There are lots of ways to access counselling PhuckPD - and you can search online for local ones and see who sounds right. I honestly think you could benefit because your feelings are not uncommon at all. I think it's really good that this crush has prompted you to reflect on your marriage and what you want from life.
There can be a cost - but often concession rates and charities sometimes offer for free.
It usually works out cheaper than divorce : )

Dadaist · 03/02/2017 17:26

Here's a post from a similar thread - except it went on to infidelity...

Yesterday 20:08 spudlike1

Yes yir marriage can survive and get better .I had a similar experience , fell for someone else feelings were like you say 'electric' I went right off my husband in every way . Sought counselling purely for myself , it took 18 months to work through things . Two years since the counselling has stopped I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life . Still married ( we have two children 11 and 10) I love my husband again , sex life is better than it has ever been . I'm. So glad stayed and worked through things counseller saved my life I really mean that .
don't make hasty decisions try and get a deeper understanding of yourself first.

btw (the other man that I fell for was/is lovely, my husband is not perfect . But I thank.my blessings that I'm still with my husband for too many reasons to fit in this post .
Goodluck

PhuckPaulDacre · 03/02/2017 18:23

Yes I saw that and it made me feel better.
Also saw a post about how staying in the EU would be predictable but secure compared to the costly leave situation we're in - hope I've not alienated any Leavers who can offer me sensible advice but I drew an analogy and it made me laugh if nothing else.
Thanks for your posts Dadaist x

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Dadaist · 03/02/2017 22:43

Ha - I'm with you on the analogy! You're very welcome. I hope you can focus on what you have and see if you can make it something to keep! Why not let us know how you get on? x

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2017 23:12

It is completely normal for sexual desire to wane in a 15 year old relationship. It is also completely normal to feel sexual attraction to someone "new". But as Dadaist says, 15 years or less with the new guy, you'll be feeling exactly the same.

'Chemistry' is bollocks, 'I love him but I'm not in love with him' is bollocks. You are just bored with having sex with the same person for 15 years and want to have sex with someone different. That doesn't make you a bad person, it's a powerful urge and plenty of people give in to it. Your H has probably felt the same at some point, or will do.

Sex in a long term relationship goes through dry spells. It can be enjoyable and satisfying if you are both in tune with each other and make the effort but, be realistic, it's not going to be as exciting or all consuming as it was early on.

So, no, counselling won't bring the chemistry back. If your H is crap at sex, address that. If you want novelty sex more than you want to keep your marriage and family intact, that's your choice.

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