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My wife want separation

(36 Posts)
Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 08:18:52

Hi guys asking for some words of advice. Myself & wife have been together for 16 years since we were young. We have had gd times & bad. I have messed up a few family events by being to drunk & this has hurt her. The relationship has not been right for a year. Before Christmas she had a one night stand, which hurt but I am willing to give it a try. We have two kids 7 & 9, which I care deeply for. We have had two marriage Councilling sessions which have been useful. She says her love for me is like that of a old friend not what it should be & cant forgive herself ATM. I have shown her nothing but love since but she is unable to give back & I have been to much for her ATM. She wants to separate to be on her own to figure out what she wants I have sorted a flat but is another 5 weeks away. I don't know if this is the right thing or just to get me out the door. I want r family & her love back more than anything. My heart is broken & can not focus on anything else which is doing me more harm than gd. She said she would like a month of peace & I think freedom & is strong willed then we will got out on a date. Help please am I being played? Or is there hope? How can I deal with this situation better? Help!!!

PaterPower Thu 02-Feb-17 08:34:09

Does it matter if you're being "played?" Really? If she's determined to end the relationship she'll do it anyway, whether you've physically moved out or not.

Do you own the house or is it rented?

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 08:53:55

Rented. She said she is lost, what she doesnt like is her own family is on my side so she won't even open up to them. Does the space really work very confused & lost feel like my world is falling apart

PaterPower Thu 02-Feb-17 09:03:04

I'm sorry, I've been there (wife cheated, told me and ended the marriage). I didn't (couldn't) move out for a month or two and I'll be honest - that period was hellish. I wanted to keep the marriage going, despite what she'd done, but she didn't and living together whilst being separated was bloody awful.

Ultimately you can't force her into anything. She'll make a decision whether you're in the same physical space as her or not. Honestly - you're better off in your own environment where YOU can think properly and get control of your life.

Make sure you establish regular visits / contact with the kids. If you're able to, carry on as much like you do now as possible. Do the school run, have them overnight as often as possible, at weekends etc. Get patterns established quickly. 50:50 if that's what you want and can do.

Don't bombard her with texts or calls or beg for dates (believe me, you may well want to). Just give her the space and get on with looking after yourself and your kids. She'll either value what she's lost or she won't - there's honestly very little you can do to influence that other than to respect the month's "break."

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 09:09:01

Thank you I'm in that hell period ATM. Ur right I have been rushing around trying to fix things to fast, she said this will take time but is willing to try after she has a cool down period. It's just hard to leave what u though was ur whole life behind. I have started to get in shape & signed up for a half marathon to try & give myself some goals. But still feel empty ATM. I know I need to focus on me but finding it hard hope it will come in time.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Feb-17 09:26:49

She wants to end the relationship and is trying to be 'sort of' kind about it and let you down gently.
Don't do the 'pick me' dance.
Get out as soon as you can.
Look after yourself and your DC.
Aim to get the split of custody you want.
I'd also get some legal advice.
Some solicitors offer a free half hour.
Do you both work full time?
Who does most of the school runs/looking after of DC etc...?

ImaLannister Thu 02-Feb-17 09:40:03

Matin, I feel for you, I really do, but it sounds like your living in false hope. You can't make someone love you, she has made her feelings clear about her love for you, nothing will change that. It sounds to me that she is saying she 'needs space' so as not to hurt you as much, to let you down gently.
I think you need to start accepting that this marriage is probably over.
Not nice words, but there is no nice way of putting it. It is what is is. I hate to be the grim reaper, but if your living in hope that things will return as they were then you will be hurt even more.
Best to start the process now. It's not going to be easy, and it's going to be a long ass road. (Talking from experience). But the sooner you start accepting it then the sooner you can start the road to recovery.
Maybe all she needs is space, and she might come round yes, who am I to say, I don't know the ins & outs of your life together but incase this doesn't happen your best off not expecting it too.
I hope you are ok.

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 09:43:20

She looks after the kids, I do some of the school runs. She said she wants to try but could be letting me down gently like u say. She says it makes her feel guilty seeing me this way. I think she feels like she has missed out on part of her life as we got together when we were young. I think there must be some rules in place for the separation to give us any chance what do u think? Have asked her if she wants a divorce & she said no she wants space & then go out to see if she can find the love again & she is so lost & can't tell me what she wants apart from space & I believe her, this may come back to bite me. She still txt me throughout the day to check I'm ok & sometimes says I love you. Sex wasn't good for a while & i have said I want to change this as she is comparing it to a lust moment & feel she can't see the whole picture as she cant see pass nxt week. Will take some legal advice thank you

BumDNC Thu 02-Feb-17 09:43:56

Whilst I admire your determination not to lose your marriage, it is counter productive to Fight too hard and not listen to what the other person wants.

ImaLannister Thu 02-Feb-17 09:44:06

Paterpower - your last paragraph - exactly that. Couldn't agree more.

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 09:48:37

Wise words, like u say it hard when that's all you have known. The world is a big place. In the past when we have had issues i have given her time to cool down & see things clearer & has worked. I have never moved out & this part makes me feel u could be right even though it is a bitter pill to take. I have always been the positive one in our relationship & she said she thinks there could be a chance only after she has had time to heal herself by both sides. I have offered to help but she does not want it, she has started Councilling on her own to try & deal with things.

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 09:51:04

Thank u that is my way of thinking, the hard part of it is moving on as I know her. I could see her seeing bettering myself & moving on then coming back to me in 12 months, so I'm trying to avoid this before it's too late. But can't do nothing about it

ImaLannister Thu 02-Feb-17 09:51:45

She is either genuinely willing to try or is only saying it to let you down gently. It's one of the two.
Problem is we don't know which it is. I don't know what else to say.

Mittensonastring Thu 02-Feb-17 09:53:36

I'm the one that wants separation, no third party involved though. All of a sudden DH is a changed man after I pointed out almost a year ago that something was up and we should go to guidance but he refused to. I guess he is doing the pick me dance and tbh it's just irritating the hell out of me.
Your wife slept with someone else, for sure it's over I guess because I haven't my DH does have hope.

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 10:05:18

Do I carry on with couples Councilling or am I wasting my time? Or wait till we r separated?

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 10:09:32

What's made u want the separation please?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 02-Feb-17 10:14:09

Whatever you did or didn't do in your relationship, she didn't get a free pass to sleep with someone else.

You must have felt very hurt when she told you about the ONS, she doesn't necessarily want your forgiveness.

You have tried marriage counselling which got you both talking and listening, but if her mind was already made up then it was a hoop she jumped through so you wouldn't be able to say she didn't try.

You mention very fleetingly getting too drunk at family events. Was that really only a couple of times, just 'social drinking' or something more, please be honest with yourself. Because there will be more pressure in the weeks to come and you need an outlet and that's not at the bottom of a bottle.

The children will be aware things are wrong between you without knowing the exact reason, it is going to unsettle them further as time goes on. Make arrangements to see them as often as possible. Be consistent, don't make promises you can't keep! Reassure them you and their mum still love them very much, and don't talk badly of her to them.

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 10:22:12

It was more than a couple of times, but have managed to knock it on the head through this tough period & want to carry on regardless. I know it didn't give her a free pass but can see how I have hurt her in the past & that is how I have dealt with it. I think she is fully of guilt & doesn't know how to deal with it. She told me straight after the event as she didn't want to keep anything from me. You are right about the kids & I plan to do this. She has said the Councilling has helped as she didn't want to deal with this as she was trying to hide issues & didn't want to face them so I see that as a positive step & since this has happened we have been more honest & open with each other which I feel gave me some hope that something could happen

ImaLannister Thu 02-Feb-17 10:33:34

Is Mittensonastring your wife?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 02-Feb-17 10:48:04

If it's helping you and her in some way then continue with it.
If she does want a separation after the 'break' then it will help make things more amicable for both of you.

TheNaze73 Thu 02-Feb-17 10:50:39

Sounds to me like she's trying to let you down gradually

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 02-Feb-17 11:11:29

What hellsbells says ^^.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 11:15:02

Like that way of thinking, part of me thinks she is letting me down & part thinks she is generally lost. She can't say what she wants from life & I think she would even if it didn't include me with how honest we have been

Martin35 Thu 02-Feb-17 11:49:48

I own my own cafe/ catering business & trying to tie up any loose ends so she can't get hold of any of it incase it goes sideways. She has never supported this as I had to borrow money to do this. Feels harsh but have always given her what she has asked for. We had the best holiday of our life's last year, after this she had a car crash which she thought she might die which I think is a factor to

Bct23 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:02:16

The fear of the future is always worse than the reality.

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