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Ca you cheat on somebody and still love them?

(128 Posts)
Latenightthoughts Wed 01-Feb-17 23:36:26

Following on from a dinner I've just had with a male friend(purely platonic our mums have been best friends since we were born he's like a gross older brother to me) and DP was with us, this isn't some segue into hidden feelings.

He thinks yes. I'm not sure. Especially if you're talking more than once. He thinks that's too black and white and it's perfectly possible to love one person whilst having sex with another.
I left my ex DH as he had an affair. At the time people said I was being too cut and dried but I stand by my decision. I do sometimes wonder if I was being too simplistic though.

Crumbs1 Wed 01-Feb-17 23:38:58

No. Love is respectful and kind. It is honest and committed. It is faithful and enduring.

Crumbs1 Wed 01-Feb-17 23:39:21

It is not to be confused with lust.

MsGameandWatch Wed 01-Feb-17 23:40:17

I believe so, yes.

Latenightthoughts Wed 01-Feb-17 23:41:35

Crumbs I like that

StartledByHisFurryShorts Wed 01-Feb-17 23:53:26

I think people can be polyamorous/swingers/in open relationships etc and still be in love with their partner(s).

However, the word cheating implies lying, deceit and disrespect. And you don't do that to someone you love.

jobanana Thu 02-Feb-17 00:43:06

It's possible, but only for certain people. I think for a lot of people, cheating on someone means you've gone off them. You probably love them in a loyal, familial kind of way, but the romantic/sexual love is going to someone else.

Joysmum Thu 02-Feb-17 00:46:38

Yes, but on your terms, not theirs. Love is not enough sometimes.

MommaGee Thu 02-Feb-17 00:49:12

If you read the threads on here yes, you can be very happily married and still sleeping with other people behind their back!

I think affair rather than open marriage - you're certainly not in love and shouldn't be with them
Id leave to OP if DH cheated

Mils45 Thu 02-Feb-17 06:09:26

Yes I think you can love and cheat, but you don't respect your partner or your relationship.

Recently I've been getting cold feet at the thought of only having one man for the rest of my life. Not just about sex, but I love first dates, passion etc etc but I would never ever act on it for the sake of a quick thrill.

The thought of doing that to my OH and losing him, no way. I think it's normal to wonder about wandering but as an adult you should just know better???

DadWasHere Thu 02-Feb-17 06:51:17

Of course, but if you go behind your partners back you profoundly disrespect them. A partner may feel they deserve monogamy as respect, and thats fine, just in itself. On the other hand if their thinking is more 'if my partner has an affair it proves to me they dont love/desire me' that can be a needy projection that disregards what the partner may really feel.

TheNaze73 Thu 02-Feb-17 07:44:11

I don't think you can. Like crumbs said, it's easily confused with lust.

ZombieApocalips Thu 02-Feb-17 07:49:54

Agree with Startled. My marriage ended because of my husband's infidelity and years later what hurts is the lies he told rather than him having sex with another person. For example I took dd to A&E because she broke her finger. After it was in plaster she sent him a photo and he never replied! We thought he was in a pub with poor reception but we now know he was with OW.

BitchQueen90 Thu 02-Feb-17 07:57:40

I think you can love and cheat, yes. People have affairs for different reasons - some are purely sexual. But if you do cheat then you don't respect your partner or their feelings.

Aderyn2016 Thu 02-Feb-17 08:08:12

I think love can ebb and flow during relationships and it is easy to forget that you love your oh when caught up in the stresses of life snd arguing over whose turn it is to get up with the kids! While you are in the throes of lust with another person, you are not thinking about your partner or actively loving them iyswim. You are certainly not respecting and caring for them. But I think people emerge from the lust and remember the love they feel for their partner - sometimes people just get wrapped up in themselves and behave selfishly. I think that sometimes cheaters are not fully aware of how much they hurt their partners until it all comes out.

That said, I think serial cheaters who knowingly continue to hurt their spouses do not feel love for them. Once you know the impact of your actions on another person, you should move heaven and earth to not hurt them again. That is what demonstrates real love.

Bluebellevergreen Thu 02-Feb-17 08:15:48

You could probably "love"and cheat.
You can also "love" and be abusive to your partner at times.

It depends on how you see "love"
Love for me is not a marriage.

Respect and care are more important.

And for me lies are disrespectful then no. I wouldn't be loved if DH cheated

Some people might think they can love and cheat, from their point of view.

But I dont live my life by those values

Trills Thu 02-Feb-17 08:25:07

Love is a feeling that you have, on the inside. It's largely irrelevant to other people except for the impact is has on your words and actions.

You can cheat on someone and still love them.

But what does that matter to them?

What matters to them is how you treat them, not how you feel on the inside.

HecateAntaia Thu 02-Feb-17 08:32:17

No. I dont belive you can love someone and cheat on them.

Because cheating on someone involves a total lack of respect, caring and thought. It involves shitting all over them. Lying to their face, sneaking around behind their back and fucking someone else. Frequently gaslighting and just generally treating them (through the cheater's actions) with utter contempt, all because the cheater wants the thrill of an illicit fuck.

Now, i dont know about anyone else but no definition of love I've ever come across includes any of that.

You cannot love someone if you treat them with contempt. That's not how love works.

Happybunny19 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:58:43

I believe Aderyn2016 is spot on. Brilliantly put.

rosabug Thu 02-Feb-17 18:50:54

I also think Aderyn is right. It's happening to me now and I can see he was living in 2 completely separate universes with his affair. Now he is really seeing the devastation it has caused, he's in a mess. However I don't think we can save it. So In answer to your question, I think you can still love someone while having an affair - we humans are deeply flawed.

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse Thu 02-Feb-17 18:58:54

Depends whether you actually mean 'have sex with' - then yes, some people probably can, though I couldn't. Or do you definitely mean 'cheat'? Cos then, no, for all the reasons startled said.

HecateAntaia Thu 02-Feb-17 19:37:02

I don't believe that anyone can not know that fucking someone else would hurt their partner.

Oh, let me just plunge balls deep into this woman, I'm sure my wife won't be upset about it....
oh my goodness. She's crying. Me fucking someone else hurt her. I had no idea that could happen. My goodness. A person gets upset when their partner fucks around? This is brand new information...

I mean, come on. Nobody doesn't realise or understand that fucking someone else is going to devastate their partner.

Otherwise they'd just shout out see you later love, just off out for a pint and a quick fuck, want anything from the shop on my way back?

jeaux90 Thu 02-Feb-17 20:16:21

No I don't think you can. Love is based in kindness and the bond between two people, part of that bond is sex. I don't judge people who cheat by the way I just know it would be a deal breaker for me.

Hassled Thu 02-Feb-17 20:21:54

I left my first DH after his affair as well - and yes, I think he did still love me. His affair wasn't about me - it was all about him. He was seeking the excitement and flattery and all that bollocks that he wasn't getting in our marriage - but that was because he was immature and self-centred, not because he didn't love me. Certainly his reaction to the aftermath was more than just guilt - he realised what he was losing, and went through a hell of a hard time.

IsNotGold Thu 02-Feb-17 21:31:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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