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Husband jealous of DC(36 Posts)
I know I haven't got it nearly as bad as a lot of people, and I normally just bottle everything up but I think I have reached the end of my tether. I don't have anyone to talk to in real life and am feeling pretty alone and just need to talk to someone. Sorry this is long.
I am a SAHM for 4 dc aged 8 and under. I gave up my job when we emigrated several years ago, and we are on our second move with DH's job, so twice I have given up all my friends. I have some friends here, but am struggling and I have no one I could just ring up for a coffee and a chat.
DH works very long hours and I do everything at home. I do everything in the mornings, in the day with the pre-schoolers, and after school, then bedtime. I cook dinner for DH every night. He goes to work, then the gym, then comes home when the dc are getting into bed normally. He doesn't read them stories, but might sit in their room on his phone if they are being silly and won't go to sleep. I do all the cleaning, washing and cooking, even on the weekends. DH leaves his clothes on the floor, his cups and plates everywhere, and dirty tissues down the side of the chair he's been sitting on. I keep asking him to tidy up but he moans that I am nagging. He is grumpy most of the time, and I find it really hard to have a conversation with him as he says he is always tired and it is like drawing blood from a stone. The only things we do are if I organise them. We have no family here and so I do everything on my own.
He rarely plays with the dc and his idea of taking them out (never all of them at once) is going to the local diy store. He shouts at them when he asks them to do something but they don't do it immediately, despite not listening himself most of the time. Our 8 year old has told me she is scared of him, although he would never hit them. The eldest 3 barely acknowledge him when he comes home from work and he moans about this. He had 3 weeks off work recently and spent most of it in the garage working on his hobby.
He does have good points, he looks after the garden, and when he is being nice he is good to be around and he does love the dc. He works long hours to support us and I know he worries about things.
I haven't been happy for a while, but it all came to a head last week. DH had an accident and has hurt his shoulder. He rang me and I went straight to him, arranged for the dc to go to a friends house, and stayed with him. He was in a lot of pain and sleepy so the next 2 days I took the dc out so he could rest. I have waited on him hand and foot as well, but have been preoccupied with keeping the dc away so haven't been able to sit with him. Our dc don't sleep well so this has made it more tricky too. On Sunday, despite being signed off and saying he was too ill to do anything he said he was going to go to work. I said it was silly but he insisted. I drove him and picked him up.
Yesterday he rang me in a grump saying he was struggling at work but he didn't have a choice because it was not relaxing being at home with the dc around and they get in the way, and that he couldn't just go in the garage due to his arm. He said it was too stressful having to discipline them and that I was too soft on them. I answered with 'are you saying they're badly behaved and its all my fault?' and he started swearing at me and so I hung up. He got a lift home and I didn't speak to him last night as I am too upset. I gave him a lift to work but I am too upset to have a conversation with him, I find it really upsetting that he doesn't want the dc around and thinks I don't help him too. He has said he is jealous of the kids before but I have said to him that they only have me and they are so young that they are all consuming and it will get better when they are bigger. Then today he sent me this article www.google.co.nz/amp/s/marriagemissions.com/how-husbands-feel-when-his-wife-puts-the-child-ahead-of-him/amp/ I find this really sexist, and upsetting that he is jealous of his own children and feels like this is how I should behave. Am I being unreasonable or should I try and do more for him?
I texted him saying how I do everything and get nothing back and to stay away for now. He has tried to ring me but I haven't answered, and asked me to meet him for lunch but I really don't want to right now.
I know I have my faults, and all my energy goes into the dc and trying to keep the household running, so there isn't much left at the end of the day, and we can't afford babysitters so never go anywhere together, which doesn't help at all, and maybe a big part of the problem. But we both decided to have a big family...
I know I have to stay with him as I live in a different country, I have no support and no money and 4dc to think of. He would never hurt me, he is not abusive so I am perfectly safe. Sometimes I am happy. There is not a lot of support here for single parents and I can't uproot the dc again. I just really needed to write it all down and have a cry. Sorry for the rant.
Oh dear OP. You don't HAVE to stay with anyone who makes you miserable at all. He sounds like a pretty poor Dad tbh so I don't know how he can criticise you.
Why are you moving around so much if his wage doesn't cover an evening out and a babysitter? I have 2 DC and it does place a strain on your relationship and of course it's important to have some alone time. It's also important for him to have a relationship with his children though. Raising children is seriously hard work but it's made better by having someone to share those proud parenting moments with which it doesn't sound like you have.
Can you go to counselling together? I think maybe you need to communicate your feelings better?
I had 4DC all under 6 at one point, was a SAHM with a DH working long hours so I kind of know how you feel.
But my DH is a great hands on Dad, he changed his working hours 7-5 so he can help me at dinnertime then once the DC are in bed he works. At weekends he does 50/50 of the housework and makes an effort to play with them, he has no qualms about playing ponies or dolls.
Your husband sees you as a servant and a childminder for children he resents! It's so hard having 4 DC with no help of course all your energy goes on them with little left over for him and even less for yourself.
Perhaps if he did his fair share in the house you might not be as tired and be able to pay attention. Sorry he's the adult children come first.
I'm sorry to say that if he was my husband if he didn't change his ways I would be seriously thinking of leaving him. You are worth more than this.
What a nauseating pile of shit that article is 🙄 It's from some 'surrendered wife' type book so no surprises there. Of course you can leave him if you want to, you can live wherever you choose. Out of interest, why did he agree to 4 kids if he didn't particularly enjoy them? What did he think would happen?
Wow he's really done a number on you.
So he helped make the kids but can't be bothered to raise them. He doesn't want to be home when they're there cos he might not be centre of attention.
You moved countries for a job that's long hours and poor pay yet he can afford the gym and whatever he's playing with in his garage and I'd bet nights out.
Do you know what he earns? Do you have access to finances?
Could you consider a move back home to family? He sounds like he wanted the unprotected sex but is now struggling that his cook, cleaner and provider of "husbandly dues" is now busy with these random kids that came from nowhere.
Also do not do the I've got it easier than some, he's amazing really - he cuts the lawns twice a year crap. Ease, for your own sake look at him not the him you've convinced yourself to sww
Wow that article is a load of misogynist shite... Your H is acting like a petulant spoiled child. He would find if he stepped up, shared the load and did not act like a disgusting slob that you and DC would like him a lot more. But he feels entitled to do all this stuff because he is The Man and the wage earner. Sad git that he is. I am not sure this is fixable.
So you have 5 kids and one loves the garden?
Install him a shed outside. .
And tell him to be grateful. .
Seriously there is no bonus to having him around at all.
Sorry, but he isn't a man if is jealous of his own children. Tell him to go and find someone to mother him as your already a mum. What a childish twat of a boy he is.
Also if he is in the habit of sending things to you to read- send him this bloody thread
Do not send him this thread!!
It will go down like a sack of shit
What kind of man is jealous of his own kids? Pathetic
Shocked that you think this is not so bad OP, he basically sees and treats you like a servant; where is the love, the team work, the kindness, the togetherness - I don't know how you stand him and yes you can leave.
This article comes from the book, The Politically Incorrect Wife: God’s Plan for Marriage Still Works Today, written by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, published by Multnomah. This is a real down-to-earth book which is both inspiring yet practical. It gives the reader to have a clearer understanding of God’s design for the married woman. The authors explain how, between the both of them, they bought into more than 40 years of modern day thinking. Eventually they realized how it was sabotaging their marital relationships.
40 years of modern day thinking... sabotaging their marital relationships
Damn that MODERN DAY THINKING... [ANGRY]
"1. Think positive thoughts.
For every positive thought you have of your children, think of two for your husband. Begin noticing the many things he does. Perhaps he sees to it that the house is locked up every night or helps you replace light bulbs. Men enjoy praise!"
Good grief... how little one should expect when co-parenting for FOUR children...
By the sounds of it OP, your H does absolutely NOTHING to help the running of the family.
He has opted out and resents your family.
I think the lunch is a good idea in principle, as yes you do need to spend time as a couple, but with an attitude towards you all like this, he can't seem to comprehend that you might not WANT to!!
Your husband sounds like an absolute shit. He's grumpy, creating enough of an atmosphere that at least one of your children is scared of him, he doesn't spend any time with any of you, he doesn't help out in the house at all, and actually goes out of his way to create more work. On top of this, he sees his own children as his competition.
He is an awful, awful person.
If he wants a wife like that he needs to go back to the 50s and find him one there.
What exactly are his redeeming features op?
Has your husband shown sympathy for this kind of back-to-misogyny surrendered wife crap before? Is he religious? Maybe he just found it randomly after a grumpy internet search but I would be seriously worried if this is the kind of belief structure he subscribes to in general. Does it seem typical of him?
On positive side, perhaps like my DH he is just a very hysterical and irritable invalid, incapable of behaving reasonably until the illness/pain has gone?
I'd send him a link to the article that bloke wrote about his wife divorcing him for leaving his plate on the side, and a link to how much a housewife is worth.
www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/11164040/How-much-is-a-housewife-worth.html Taking into account all the cooking, cleaning, nursing and childcare (plus a dash of counselling and work as a personal organiser), housewives deserve an annual salary of £159,137
Send him articles on how to be a good dad and husband.
Back in the real world, OP, plenty of men are not like this.
Not helpful but in all honesty if i was in your position I'd write an article/ blog entitled "How wives feel when they realise their husband is a misogynistic twat" and then send him that link.....
But in answer to some things you said. He's being ridiculous you already do EVERYTHING. If your not comfortable with being blunt then maybe write an itemised lisy of everything that you do... and ask him what has he done lately that shows he appreciates you?...
He would find if he stepped up, shared the load and did not act like a disgusting slob that you and DC would like him a lot more
pointythings yes this is EXACTLY how I feel and I have tried to explain this to him. He just doesn't listen. He is very opinionated.
To answer a few questions, he is not religious at all and I would never have said before that he is misogynistic, I literally read that article open mouthed. When he got home I said how dare he send me such a sexist load of crap and had he actually read it and seen where it came from, and he said no, it was the title he googled, so yes I think it was just googled in a grumpy way. But now I am really starting to worry that it is exactly how he expects me to behave.
He really has checked out of life at home, and I think it has taken this thread to make me see how much and make me really think it all through. I do all school stuff including parents eves, new entrants etc, all extra curricular stuff, all financial stuff etc. I get them up, dressed, breakfasted, clean up, get them to school, whilst he has a long shower and then walks out just before us. I get them bathed, ready for bed etc. His excuse is that he needs to work those hours as he supports us on his own and it worries him, and that he needs the gym every day to de-stress. I have asked him to walk our dog instead but he says he doesn't have time. Is this normal for people who work long hours though? As a sahm I know he sees everything as my responsibility and my job. He has not asked me to work as he knows childcare would cost too much and I suspect he does not want to have to opt back into life here.
He was texting me yesterday saying we just needed to talk and have time together without the dc and we could budget for a babysitter. And maybe dd could do more round the house to help me. But then when I said I needed him to stop treating me like a servant and acting like a slob, he came back with I should be grateful that he looks after the garden and maintains the car!! And that I put stuff in the garage so it is the same as him leaving stuff around the house!! He also told me I should appreciate him more 'as I seem to get no thanks for actually going to work and providing for everybody'. On one hand its like he's trying to make things right, on the other it is like he has been this misogynistic twat all along and it is now just coming to light. I really don't know what to think....
I do feel guilty for starting this thread and moaning though. I have always had a low self esteem and I wonder if I have stayed quiet and put up with a lot because I feel I should, but as I've got older I've realised I want more than this. I do just get on with things and bottle stuff up. He says I over think everything so I think that is why I am saying its not as bad maybe. I am very quiet and introverted I find it hard to speak to people, I even find it hard to post on here sometimes. We married very young and have had some great times, I just wonder if we've changed too much now. We are leading separate lives.
He is a very, very bad patient though. If he even gets so much as a cold he groans and complains like he is about to die, so hurting his shoulder this badly means he is horrendous to be around. He told me he is at his lowest not being able to do stuff and worrying about it and I do feel for him, but it is the being a petulant sulky child whilst he is doing it and taking it out on all of us that I cannot stand. He had depression before we met and I do wonder if he should go back to the gp to discuss this again, but I doubt he will.
He is barely talking to me and I know it is because I am not making the effort to do all the talking like I normally do. I don't want to anymore. I am hoping he will begin to realise I am not going to anymore and maybe he will start changing...
I am going to try spending some more time together, but I am going to make it very clear where I stand from now on.
I saw a quote on a church billboard yesterday that said "It is better to look ahead and prepare than to look back and despair". I like that a lot.
Are your children British? Do you have family/a support network back here if necessary?
What is childcare like where you live? Is there a chance you could get a job to build up finances for you?
Has he always treated you as a servant?
For balance, he does encourage me to do my hobby, and I sing once a week in a choir plus concerts so at least I have that.
You say he works very long hours but tbh they don't sound that bad and you seem to make far longer hours.
Don't feel guilty about starting this thread, you are right to say you had enough.
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