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DP told his ex he still loves her.

(100 Posts)
Sss506 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:24:48

DP and I got together officially over a year ago, but have been seeing each other for 2 years, it first started right after he broke up with this woman. It was intended as a FWB/fling type situation but it developed more than expected. We worked together (still do, though only working in the same team twice a week ish), so had been friends for a while and hung out just the two of us a few times, but it genuinely was never even really flirty until after they broke up. He was pretty wounded by her, tbh, so I'm not sure why I'm even surprised at what's happened after. I had no idea how strongly he felt until way after their break up, tbh.

3 or so months into being official he told her he still loved her while drunk, broke up with me the next day, fully planned for them to be together again but changed his mind, a few days later came to my doorstep crying his eyes out that he'd made a massive mistake, we slowly worked back to being together. Given the circumstances of how hard their break-up had been for him (when we were just FWB/friends I was there for him a lot), and how it was early days with us as a couple, I felt like I understood the 'lapse' in judgement so to speak because these things can be difficult and it can be hard adjusting, whatever.

Anyway, last week he started acting very strangely, told me it was to do with family and I believed that as stuff's happened recently that's been pretty shit, plus I saw him sending his mum massively long texts, so I just dismissed it as a few off days. We had a huge argument about how withdrawn and horrible he was being to me and I asked if he had spoken to the ex because he was acting exactly how he had last time he decided he wanted to be back with her. He said no, it's just family stuff. She's not involved.

Yesterday out of the blue she sent me a screenshot of a text he sent. Her text said 'why are you doing this when you're in love with someone else'. His reply was 'I still love you'. And then, is there any possibility in the future of them getting back together. She said not as long as he's with me. He said 'just answer the question'.
His justification was he had a dream about her, it brought back painful memories (similar excuse to last time, tbh), he made a spur of the moment reckless decision, spoke to his mum about it, realised how stupid he was being and that he loved & wanted to be with me more than anything and stopped talking to her.

The first time it happened I was fucking devastated, it made me so ridiculously miserable, it sounds stupid but I genuinely felt it hurt me more than any other relationship issue has in the past even though it was so early days. I just have had incredibly strong feelings for him for a long time. but now I just feel so numb and blank. We have been so so happy in the past few months. I never thought it'd happen again. We've got two holidays booked in the next few months. 90% of my friends are his friends. We don't live together, but it was on the cards in the next few months. I just feel blank and numb. He keeps messaging me, telling me he loves me, he's so sorry, all what you'd expect. Cried on the phone when he explained what'd happened, told me he only wants me forever and doesn't know why he keeps sabotaging things.

I know what's going to be said, but still sad

MrsDustyBusty Tue 31-Jan-17 17:28:21

Leave him off. I'd have no more to do with him. He's a mess.

TheNaze73 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:29:35

You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You'll be forever an option girlfriend to him

EggnogChai Tue 31-Jan-17 17:30:00

Fuck the holidays, fuck the friends and fuck the time you've put into the relationship get rid

You deserve someone that knows how much they love and care about you. Someone that doesn't have feelings for someone else.

Someone who doesn't bloody cry to try and get out of whatever they've done.

You're awesome and he sucks.

Don't be a mug!

brew wine flowers cake

SorrelSoup Tue 31-Jan-17 17:30:57

What awful situation. You've got to let him go now. You'll be forever checking up on him and feeling shit. I'm too proud to play second fiddle to another woman. Sounds like they might get back together if I've read your op right?

WannaBe Tue 31-Jan-17 17:34:17

He wants to be with her. She wants to be with him. After all didn't her text say that she didn't want to be with him while he was with you?

You need to move on.

WannaBe Tue 31-Jan-17 17:36:49

He says he loves you but his actions say differently. Break up with him and I guarantee he'll be back with her within weeks.

MsGameandWatch Tue 31-Jan-17 17:37:01

What great holidays they will be as you walk around all those places knowing that he's thinking of her and wishing it was her instead of you.

Christ on a bike get rid of him! How dare he do this and then manipulate you with his tears and confusion. What a pathetic specimen and also what a massive Drama Queen. Honestly I can't think of enough bad words to say about this idiot.

SuperPug Tue 31-Jan-17 17:37:42

Imagine writing this post in one year, five years etc. The prospect of that is grim.
Put yourself first- get rid of him and make a plan for yourself, like a top ten list of what you'd like to do.
The option girlfriend comment is spot on. It screws with your head. Keep us updated flowers

Adora10 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:38:25

I stopped reading after the second paragraph, why do you think so little of yourself, it's depressing reading; fgs woman get those big girl pants on and tell this weak and pathetic individual to stop crying and piss off.

Jesus, are you a complete mug, he only sees you as a fill in until he can get back to his ex - he sounds a complete idiot btw.

Inertia Tue 31-Jan-17 17:39:29

Sunken costs fallacy -don't waste the rest of your life on this guy simply because you've already spent lots of time and effort on him.

I expect he's declaring his undying love for you now because she said no to him. I'm sorry.

Sss506 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:40:37

Thanks so far all, need the reality check sad so far I am just burying my head in the sand and ignoring him/everything. Can't deal with it.

Sorrelsoup/wannabe - He is telling me he wants to be with me, and not her, apparently that's why he "made the decision" to stop the texts and stay with me (how noble), and from her she's saying to me she'd never ever be with him again she just wanted to make sure I knew the truth. she's just as much of a liar and manipulator as he is, her texts basically sound as if she'd be with him again given the chance, don't they? so I think she showed me because he stopped texting her (the texts happened last weekend I think) and she wants us to break up/wants him back, the easiest way to do that is by telling me. Under the premise of being 'there for me'.

BubbleWrapQueen Tue 31-Jan-17 17:40:48

Sorry but you're the rebound girl he's starting to regret, but he's keeping you on the burner until his ex says unconditional yes. He's scared of being left with nothing, and I get the feeling his ex is playing him.

You need to walk away from him. Now. You'll never be his number one.

Sss506 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:42:06

Wannabe yeah I thought that too. He will say now he doesn't want her, but if I don't take him back, I doubt it would take even a few days before they were speaking again.

Apparently his family hate her, love me, and I think I'm just seen as the safe option all round.

AnyFucker Tue 31-Jan-17 17:45:02

You would be a complete mug to try to hang on to this faithless guy

That is the second time I have typed that sentence in the last half hour

Is your self respect really so lacking that you didn't tell him to fuck right off the first time he threw you under a bus ?

And I reckon you will cave into the snivelling

SandyY2K Tue 31-Jan-17 17:46:58

Stop making her another bad guy. He's in love with her. I'm not sure how much more proof you need. He'll make do with you, unless he knows she'll have him back.

If he loved you why is he telling her the same?

Don't be his settled for girl.

AnyFucker Tue 31-Jan-17 17:47:10

Actually, this woman has done you a favour

Stop demonising her. It's your shady boyfriend that is the problem.

MrsDustyBusty Tue 31-Jan-17 17:47:37

I'd not blame this other woman for his behaviour. Last weekend he stopped? That's 2 (two) days ago! If she was worried about texts stopping that recently he must never be off the phone to her.

Joysmum Tue 31-Jan-17 17:48:30

If she wanted him, he'd be back there like a shot.

I expect he cares for you but you're not 'the one' as he believes her to be that.

Deranger01 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:48:36

dump, dump, dump. Honestly, you've been together not much time, you have no children yet, things shouldn't be this hard. He sounds as though he loves the drama....

EverythingEverywhere1234 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:50:51

AH you poor thing. You need so badly to work on your self esteem and your self worth. Do you honestly, genuinely believe that you couldn't do better than be a mans 'option', his 'fallback'? He doesn't truly want you and he never has. Don't settle.

Sss506 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:51:43

sorry, didn't mean it to come across like I was blaming her. I know it isn't her fault. I just feel like she has ulterior motives. she did this last time - swearing to me she would never speak to him again/would never consider being with him, but messages him saying of course she would, just only if he wasn't with me

By last weekend I meant 9 days ago, sorry to be confusing

Checkthisout Tue 31-Jan-17 17:53:03

I had the exact same issue except I was the person who did it.

I split with my ex, got into a relationship pretty much straight away, then dilly dallied between the two....not proud of myself, I was a bitch....couldn't make my mind up.

Anyways, eventually I ended it with him & got back with my ex.

It was just a rebound thing....I know this because after me and my ex got back together, we lasted a year, I took 6 months out from dating & then met my most recent ex who I knew I liked from day one, I had no other emotional attachment to anyone else at all.

Don't get messed around, he'll only stay with you if she doesn't want him

laurzj82 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:53:23

You're not a mug. You are a person who is in love with someone who is not worthy.

Please please listen though when I say you are worth so much more than this. There is someone out there who will know how lucky they are to have you.

Sorry you have had to go through this OP flowers

Leave the two of them to sort their mess out with your head held high

EverythingEverywhere1234 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:53:30

She has no loyalty to you. Stop shifting the blame and focus on your 'D'P

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