I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.
A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.
I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.
So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".
I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).
I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?
Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.
I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.
Please help :(
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me
RoseNarene · 31/01/2017 15:29
You poor thing, no wonder you're upset, what a stupid fuckwit he is. I think after previously being caught he needs a proper kick up the arse. Kick him out for a couple of weeks minimum. I'm afraid if you don't do anything drastic now he'll walk all over you forever and continue to cross obvious boundaries.
Btw I also had my dc3 via c-section 9 months ago and, despite losing lots of weight, have a bit of a mumtum left. It doesn't excuse my oh slagging me off behind my back. It got that way carrying his baby. Please don't let arsewipe and his work bimbo make you feel bad about yourself.
I got really angry on your behalf there, hugs 
His behaviour is so disrespectful, and two-faced. He's supposed to be your life partner and confidante, yet his behaviour completely undermines any partnership that the two of you are supposed to have, and you sets you against each other. I can't think what on earth he is trying to achieve putting you down like this, if he isn't trying to ingratiate himself with her/ get in her pants. Awful.
Frankly, her behaviour here is pretty irrelevant- you're not married to her, and while she's behaving really badly, she is not the person who has taken vows with you. She should not be the focus of your annoyance and hurt, and you are wasting good energy whipping yourself into a frenzy about how promiscuous she is, or what she has form for. There is only one person here who is answerable to you and it is your husband. what a total and utter GIT.
I don't think relationships tend to go well when they get to the stage where one spouse has to 'tell' the other who they can or can't see/ contact. I wonder if you are actually past that stage. He should not be refraining from contact with her not because you command it, but because it's what a good and loyal husband would do.
I am not one of the usual crowd to say LTB, but I am quite shaken by your post and how unfair this is on you. I don't could get over this in my relationship to be quite honest. Not unless we had a lot of open talking and counselling where I came to understand what on EARTH had caused this, and was assured that his opinion of me and behaviour towards me would never stoop so low again, through no fault of my own. You poor thing, it must have been rotten to see that.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Ah, I see that the detail about her being promiscuous and routinely sleeping with married men has all been fed to you via your DH, you don't know that any of this is true.
Why would your DH want to tell you these things about her? Have a think about that.
To me, its almost as if he's setting the scene to be able to say, if and when something happens between them..."I couldn't help it, it was all her, she's got form, she's done it before" 
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.