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husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me

(135 Posts)
RoseNarene Tue 31-Jan-17 15:29:57

I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.

A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.

I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.

So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".

I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?

Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.

I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.

Please help sad

2014newme Tue 31-Jan-17 15:33:13

I would ditch him he has no respect for you and treats you like dirt.
If you don't want to do that counselling is the best option so your dh cab hear how you feel in s more structured way as he ignores what you say currently

Ilovecaindingle Tue 31-Jan-17 15:35:37

He has ignore your initial request regarding this 'friendship' - he is actively encouraging her to slowly stroke his ego. Imo it's only a matter of time until he really crosses the line. You have requested - now tell him - her contacting him about matters outside of work are to stop. . Or he can pack his stuff and go to her.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat Tue 31-Jan-17 15:37:37

He just has zero respect for you - knowing that you'd probably be looking through his messages he still couldn't even be arsed to be respectful about you and in fact has been downright insulting.

You keep referring to her as promiscuous but it seems that it's your DH doing all the legwork here. "Yummy mummy", boak.

Adora10 Tue 31-Jan-17 15:39:24

That is so bad, I don't think I could even if I wanted to, be in the same room as this nasty piece of crap, I mean how low do you go, sorry OP, he'd have to leave, at least for a wee while, I just couldn't get past what he has been saying about you, does he even like you?

RoseNarene Tue 31-Jan-17 15:45:26

That's what hurts the most, I suppose... I'm not overweight, but I do have a tummy left from having 2 children, 2 c-sections. I will probably gear myself up to do something about it one day, but after having a baby just 9 months ago, I'm still pretty tired - since she was 100% breastfed, I was the one who always had to get up in the night for her. But even so, he treats me like I am the sexiest person alive, telling me he loves my body etc etc... he has expressed concerns about my diet and lack of exercise but more from a health point of view than a body shape / weight point of view. But now he calls me "frumpy" to this woman.

Aoibhe Tue 31-Jan-17 15:48:25

That is just so out of order sad

I'm not even sure what to advise...

Dahlietta Tue 31-Jan-17 15:51:30

he has expressed concerns about my diet and lack of exercise but more from a health point of view than a body shape / weight point of view

If I had given birth 9 months ago, I would not be thrilled with my DH 'expressing concerns about my diet and lack of exercise' for whatever alleged reason to be honest.

TwoTwentyGowerRoad Tue 31-Jan-17 15:51:36

Deal breaker for me -sorry.

CockacidalManiac Tue 31-Jan-17 15:51:46

That's a total betrayal of you. I couldn't let this go, he's being such a twat.

Adora10 Tue 31-Jan-17 15:52:40

9 months ago you gave birth, absolutely fuming on your behalf OP.

Corialanusburt Tue 31-Jan-17 15:53:06

He doesn't seem to like you and he does seem to like her. You don't want to live like that. He needs to go.

Beelzebop Tue 31-Jan-17 15:56:12

I am so sorry, what a dreadful betrayal. Tbh I suffered a similar situation recently. As he has done this twice, and such hurtful remarks I would find it hard to get round. He ignored your reasonable request and is being so disloyal, you should be praised and looked after by him! Xxx

Danglybits Tue 31-Jan-17 15:57:07

Absolutely awful.

Confront him. He needs to know that his behaviour is indicative of him checking out of the marriage. Is he in or is he out? The texts could well be showing off and ego-stroking rather than completely sincere -- but they're awful. 💐💐 for you.

SparklingRaspberry Tue 31-Jan-17 15:57:43

He has no respect for you OP, and he is a complete shit bag whether he's having an affair or not.

You're the mother of his children, you're his wife, yet he's insulting you and laughing at you to another woman? Even though he knew you'd checking his phone again that still didn't stop him, which shows he really doesn't care!

You and the kids deserve so much better.

EweAreHere Tue 31-Jan-17 15:58:59

I would be furious. And hurt.

Ask him if his goal was to hurt you, because he's succeeded. And now you can't trust him any more to have your back, to love you no matter what, to not be running you down behind your back unfairly while complementing another woman (a woman who he has told you a lot of negative things about, so you certainly don't have any reason to trust her motives engaging in these conversations, either). Without trust, there's no relationship.

See what he says.

Blackbird82 Tue 31-Jan-17 15:59:31

What a bastard.

Not sure what to advise really but he's certainly getting his ego stroked by this other woman. If you want to stay with him then he's got some serious work to do but how can you trust him now? Again, he's an absolute bastard.

passmethewineplease Tue 31-Jan-17 16:00:33

What a disrespectful arse. Speaking about you like that.

OP, you deserve a lot better, not all men are like your husband. He sounds horrible.

He isn't a good guy.

Introvertedbuthappy Tue 31-Jan-17 16:03:01

So sorry, he doesn't respect you at all. He also doesn't seem to particularly care about your feelings either, as he's dismissed them and despite knowing you would see the texts has compared you very negatively to her. I wonder why and would personally question whether he is goading you into another argument?

I think it is time for a serious, all cards on the table conversation.

Happybunny19 Tue 31-Jan-17 16:03:33

You poor thing, no wonder you're upset, what a stupid fuckwit he is. I think after previously being caught he needs a proper kick up the arse. Kick him out for a couple of weeks minimum. I'm afraid if you don't do anything drastic now he'll walk all over you forever and continue to cross obvious boundaries.

Btw I also had my dc3 via c-section 9 months ago and, despite losing lots of weight, have a bit of a mumtum left. It doesn't excuse my oh slagging me off behind my back. It got that way carrying his baby. Please don't let arsewipe and his work bimbo make you feel bad about yourself.

I got really angry on your behalf there, hugs flowers

CityMole Tue 31-Jan-17 16:03:58

His behaviour is so disrespectful, and two-faced. He's supposed to be your life partner and confidante, yet his behaviour completely undermines any partnership that the two of you are supposed to have, and you sets you against each other. I can't think what on earth he is trying to achieve putting you down like this, if he isn't trying to ingratiate himself with her/ get in her pants. Awful.

Frankly, her behaviour here is pretty irrelevant- you're not married to her, and while she's behaving really badly, she is not the person who has taken vows with you. She should not be the focus of your annoyance and hurt, and you are wasting good energy whipping yourself into a frenzy about how promiscuous she is, or what she has form for. There is only one person here who is answerable to you and it is your husband. what a total and utter GIT.

I don't think relationships tend to go well when they get to the stage where one spouse has to 'tell' the other who they can or can't see/ contact. I wonder if you are actually past that stage. He should not be refraining from contact with her not because you command it, but because it's what a good and loyal husband would do.

I am not one of the usual crowd to say LTB, but I am quite shaken by your post and how unfair this is on you. I don't could get over this in my relationship to be quite honest. Not unless we had a lot of open talking and counselling where I came to understand what on EARTH had caused this, and was assured that his opinion of me and behaviour towards me would never stoop so low again, through no fault of my own. You poor thing, it must have been rotten to see that. flowers

ImperialBlether Tue 31-Jan-17 16:05:31

What has caused this is that he's talking with his dick.

CityMole Tue 31-Jan-17 16:06:16

BTW I have a 9m old and I too had a CS and while I am just starting to feel body confident again, I do still have a little wibblewobble above the incision. I would be devastated if my OH made me feel vulnerable about it, so this perhaps explains why I am being so harsh on your H!

What a GIT!!! (once more, for effect.)

StealthPolarBear Tue 31-Jan-17 16:08:42

I wouldn't talk about my colleagues behind their back like this never mind the one person I was supposed to love and care for. He has no respect for you and little affection, from how it sounds.

mycatwantstokillme1 Tue 31-Jan-17 16:09:01

Sorry for you OP - he's an arse to do it in the first place, and carry it on when you've asked him not to. And the things he's written are really disrespectful.

It's easy for me to say LTB because I was a single parent from when I was pregnant, it's much harder to LTB when you've already got young kids. Having said tha, I'm not sure I could carry on with someone after reading that.

I hope whatever you do, it works out for the best. Good luck.

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