Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please hold my hand - I've told him to leave

(18 Posts)
Suspendersformybelief Tue 31-Jan-17 14:32:02

I've name changed as I think maybe my other posts and comments on this board and others might overall be identifying.

I'm in shock and I can't tell anyone in real life yet.

I've kicked my partner out and he's gone. I found naked photographs of another woman on his phone. He'd received them in October.

I just can't get my head round it. We've been together nearly three years and he moved in with me and DD nearly a year ago. I've been so happy and I thought he was wonderful. Obviously, nobody is perfect but it felt like we were so in-love. We've been planning the future, my DD loves him and so do my family and friends. He's been so supportive and loving and lovely.

My ex (DD's dad) was an arsehole, he treated me really badly, so I set my bar really high and thought I'd found such a loving relationship.

If he can do this, it literally leaves me with no faith in anybody.

I can't bring myself to tell anyone. They were all so made up that I'd found happiness.

I feel a bit numb.

Frazzeledandfuckedoff Tue 31-Jan-17 14:34:13

Who was the photo of op?

flowers for you....

What did he say when you confronted him?

olympicsrock Tue 31-Jan-17 14:37:37

How bloody awful. Hugs for you. So sorry. You have done the right thing telling him to go. In your shoes I would do some serious comfort time. Chocolate wine whatever you fancy and just hibernate for a day or two until you feel up to telling people.

xStefx Tue 31-Jan-17 14:37:41

Aw OP that sucks but well done for having a backbone and getting rid of the creep. Please don't let your faith be destroyed.... there are some good men out there. sorry he turned out to be a twat xx

esk1mo Tue 31-Jan-17 14:39:36

how horrible for you sad i really dont understand how men think this sort of behaviour is worth losing a solid relationship for, especially with your little DD.

Suspendersformybelief Tue 31-Jan-17 14:41:02

Some random.

He tried to show me how he'd got them as he thought it might prove it meant nothing. Basically, he's got a KIK account (I'd never even heard of it) and over the years he's used it to get chatting to women and they send each other nude photographs.

I saw a conversation with someone in October and then the odd chat with others probably every six months or so throughout our relationship.

There was no talk of meet-ups or anything. He thought if I could see that it might make a difference

Only1scoop Tue 31-Jan-17 14:43:29

Oh Op so sorry, hand holding hereflowers

Suspendersformybelief Tue 31-Jan-17 14:44:05

Thank you all. I know I've done the right thing but I really need help to stay strong about it.

Because I'm finding it so hard to believe as it was all so lovely, it's so tempting to just think we can work it out and make it all go away. But the trust is gone.

I think it's one reason I haven't told anyone - incase I change my mind. But how can I?

esk1mo Tue 31-Jan-17 14:45:28

some men justify their actions by declaring they would never do anything like that "in real life" ...as if live chatting and exchanging pics isnt real life hmm

it makes me sad that some men are so desensitized to 'normal' porn that they take the next step to messaging, then live chatting. its so personal. are these men even paying these women? im sure most of it is free, i dont understand why the women do it.

esk1mo Tue 31-Jan-17 14:47:17

OP did he see it as a problem or did he think it wasnt that serious?

the only way i could work this out with partner is if he admitted it was an issue and volunteered to get help/counselling for a porn addiction or something.

Suspendersformybelief Tue 31-Jan-17 14:51:54

He said he saw it as an extension of porn. He says the type of porn he gets off on isn't the porn for the masses but more home-made stuff and years against that led to this and he kept doing it.

We had a conversation several months ago about Porn and webcams. My ex called himself a "porn addict" so I've always made it clear I hate he stuff and although I get that some people don't despise it like I do and like the odd labour free wank, if it were ever to impact a relationship again, I'd be done. I also made it clear that I didn't consider web cams and "chats" porn I considered them cheating.

He said that after that he decided to stop his Kik account but did have another go in October. He got a new phone and didn't download the app. (I've checked). But he didn't delete his account. And he still did it when he knew.

Suspendersformybelief Tue 31-Jan-17 14:55:07

esk1mo he has said he will do counselling or couples counselling or whatever I want. But my ex did all this too. What is wrong with these people?

pnutter Tue 31-Jan-17 14:57:19

Do you think you could reasonably ever trust him again? As that will eat you up , you'll be in danger of making yourself ill with the worry in the future. Without trust? What is there ?

pnutter Tue 31-Jan-17 14:57:47

And I'm sorry this happened to you I meant to add

Suspendersformybelief Tue 31-Jan-17 15:03:13

That's what I think pnutter. I love him, I actually WISH I could work it out. But I refuse to live a life where I feel a need to check up on my partner.

And what if I did stay now...? What if we carry on with our plans to buy a house and have a baby and it all rears its ugly head again? I'll be totally fucked. And my DD will be even more affected. It's not just me who will pay the price of a gamble.

And I do wish it was different. I feel horrendous. And I know he feels horrendous. He threw up when I told him it was over and to go. What a dickhead, what an absolute dickhead. I can't believe he's thrown it away

Adora10 Tue 31-Jan-17 15:04:54

Call it what you like but ultimately it's hugely disrespectful to you, without respect you don't have trust or security, you have nothing but a shit relationship; you did the right thing, you know it's a huge betrayal and you are not just going to do what a lot do on here and pretend it's not that bad.

Maybe in time you will reconcile but he's got a hell of a lot to do to get there, if ever and tbh the damage has been done, you can't unseen it or forget it.

Frazzeledandfuckedoff Tue 31-Jan-17 16:56:56

I'm sorry for you op. You should stay strong. I think it's very good that you have such clear boundaries - you deserve so much better.

user1485849951 Tue 31-Jan-17 16:57:04

I can't see the trust is gone and that's a hard thing to rebuild. But with time and patience and if you are both willing, it can be done.

His behaviour is unacceptable don't get me wrong. Beyond unacceptable and I'm so sorry you have been hurt in this way. But, ilif it's good and you love him take a little time to reflect and don't close the door firmly shut just yet.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now