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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Assaulted by DH and I don't know what to do

30 replies

Freefalling · 26/02/2007 12:40

I'm 25 wks pg and having a very difficult time emotionally and hormonally. Yesterday, DH and I got into an argument. I stormed out of the room, slamming the door and started downstairs. He came after me and grabbed me and dragged me back upstairs, across the landing and into the bedroom. I was scratching at him and shouting at him to let go, but he threw me on the bed. I managed to get a few strategic kicks in and when I screamed at him...for f@@@@s sake I'm pregnant..he came to his senses and let go. I ran downstairs and collapsed in a heap on the kitchen floor. He disappeared out of the house for 20 minutes and when he came back in, all he could say was sorry he didn't know what came over him. He didn't even ask if I was OK or of the baby was OK. Not really spoken to him since then as he took DS out for the day, other than to keep things semi-normal for our DS (who must have heard all the commotion but is saying nothing). Thankfully he works away through the week so I won't see him now till Friday. Have done some damage to my ligaments and have spent a very uncomfortable 24 hours, but doc says bub is fine. I don't know what to do. All my family are miles away and 'our' friends are really his friends since I only moved here 18 months ago so don't feel like I've got anyone to turn to. I couldn't even be in the same room as him last night, and told him he better not try to come to our bed. He tried to talk to me several times, but I don't know what he wants me to say...i just keep on reliving it and it's horrible.

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LoveMyGirls · 26/02/2007 12:47

Only you can know what to do tbh. He was completely out of order and you shouldn't have to put up with it. If not for your sake then your baby and your ds (is ds his?)

Has he done it before? Were you being a complete cow thinking he wouldn't touch you because you're pg? (i know no woman ever deserves it before everyone lynches me - i have been in an abusive relationship so im not saying that) Is there somewhere you can go and stay for the weekend?

What do you want to do?

IntergalacticWalrus · 26/02/2007 12:49

Oh God freefalling, how awful for you

I have no advice to offer, but I couldn't ignore your post. Hopefully someone will be able to help you.

(I can offer practical help if you live anywhere near me though (bath))

itsmeNDaveP · 26/02/2007 12:52

Freefalling, did he actually hit you ? It sounds like you were being out of order and his anger took over, he grabbed and dragged you, you were scratching and kicking him. It sounds like it was six of one, half a dozen of the other, tbh.

I am not condoning domestic violence, by either men or women, but this does sound like a slightly different case.

itsmeNDaveP · 26/02/2007 12:53

If you are worried about repercussions from the incident I agree with those who have suggested finding somewhere to stay with DS for the weekend

PinkTulips · 26/02/2007 12:58

pregnancy can make the nerves fraught for all parties... had a similar incident with dp when i was preg with ds and it got completely out of control.

like ndp said though it's hard to tell from what you've said whether it was assault or 2 people both crossing the line.

my gut feeling says if you were honestly afraid of him there's absolutoly no way you'd let him go out with ds

if he's trying to talk to you and you're refusing to talk he's going to stop trying soon. either decide that it was assault and get out now or sit down and talk with him, popenly and honestly about how you both feel and try and sort something out

Freefalling · 26/02/2007 13:03

Thanks lovemygirls. We were in the middle of a barny and it the last of many we've had since pg, and i have been known to throw the odd thing in his direction (but seldom make contact). In this instance though I wasn't being a particular cow...I'd been a bit short with him as not sleeping well and having problems with lower back and he started moaning at me about being grumpy and what was my problem etc, which isn't the most tactful way of dealing with a tired pg woman. I'd gone upstairs to cool off and because I didn't want DS (who is his) to hear any more shouting. H followed me up and the barney carried on and escalated out of nowhere. I know I can be a bit of a cow sometimes and I've been suffering awful mood swings (PMT x10 then doubled) but have tried to rein it all in. I was actually trying to get away from him when it happened. He has a bit of a temper on him and has grabbed me before, but nothing like this. I've been going over and over it thinking that maybe I provoked him, but all i did was slam the bedroom door.
Can't really go home for the weekend as its too far to drive with my back probs, but may see if I can get train tickets. Only prob is DS....not really fair on him to take him with me as he only sees his dad at weekends at the mo and if he knew I went to Scotland without him he'd be devastated.

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foxybrown · 26/02/2007 13:07

That is horrible, what a terrible thing to happen.
I guess only you know how you feel, but if you are scared then I can suggest you speak to someone at Refuge who might be able to offer advice.
I understand what people are saying, I know I push my DH's buttons at times and we've had fights which have got out of hand. It can only be a judgement you make. You have to consider what led to it, if its happened before, if its normal behaviour.
There is some help out there - perhaps he needs it if he has 'anger issues'.
I hope you get through this OK. You have a lot of support here xxx

Freefalling · 26/02/2007 13:08

Pinktulip...it was probably more a case of crossing a line as he is not a violent man, although he does tend to bottle things up. He said that he has only ever done somehting like this once before when he was a mere youth. He would never hurt our son either...he's never even smacked him. We did talk a bit yesterday and
i told him how frightened I was, and he's said sorry, but I don't really feel at the moment that I can just brush this one under the carpet and carry on as normal

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Freefalling · 26/02/2007 13:17

NDaveP...i was trying to get away from the argument...he followed me and dragged me back into the bedroom. I was shouting at him to let go, but he wouldn't so I scratched and kicked him in an effort to get him to let me go. not condoning that, but what was I supposed to do...go all limp and placid like a good wife should?

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NineUnlikelyTales · 26/02/2007 13:32

Freefalling

I am stunned that anyone here would ask whether you deserved what you got by being a cow or scratching your DH whilst he was dragging you

I completely agree with you that you should not dust this under the carpet. If this happened to me I would want to have a very long talk with my DH about what happened, and why, and what you would do if anything of the kind EVER happened again. Personally I would leave my DH if it was anything other than a one off.

Take care of yourself.

nine

Daisybump · 26/02/2007 13:41

Thanks nine.

wartywarthog · 26/02/2007 13:43

wow! no matter what you said or how many doors you slammed grabbing and dragging you is totally unjustified. esp. if you are pregnant. don't start questioning whether you deserved it because you definitely didn't.

americantrish · 26/02/2007 13:52

i'm gobsmacked everytime i read stories of men abusing pregnant partners. i'm so sorry this has happened.

you arent to blame nor are your pg. hormones.
have you made sure you are okay, physically? (the baby?)
dv (domestic violence) is a subject close to my heart and a sore spot for me.
he's done this to you, he will quite possibly do it again, or worse, to your son. he has no respect for you, your child and unborn baby. please tell someone who can help you (i.e.- domestic violence officers, womens support services, GP, HV, Refuge hotline, Woman's Aid.)

you may love him. but he certainly doesnt love you. don't let him control you. get out (i know its never take easy, but take it from me, it's NOT take hard...) there are places and people out there who can help, if you want them to.

i just worry when i read these entries that it will happen again.. and again....

americantrish · 26/02/2007 13:53

ps: freefalling, you're NOT alone. even if you feel it physically, you're not. xx

foxybrown · 26/02/2007 14:09

Of course you don't deserve it, but its where do you go from here? Taking action is a huge thing. You are right, you need to address it, but how? If he's 'crossed the line', this suggests he hasn't done it before, but what happens - if anything, in the future? If he's tried to talk to you about it, you need to have the conversation I guess and take it from there. packing your bags and leaving is a big thing, and obviously you don't want to put your child through it.
not much help, sorry.

ScummyMummy · 26/02/2007 14:14

Sorry to read this. I hope you will be able to resolve things or get some support to leave if you want to. Would it be worth ringing the domestic violence helpline for advice? fwiw I absolutely do not think that his actions were justifiable.

lupo · 26/02/2007 14:17

no one deserevs this, pregnant or not! If it were me, i would sit him down and tell him that if he ever did anything like this again, that would be it and the relationship would be over. you must talk to him about this

chipkid · 26/02/2007 14:18

I am worried that he has not expresed any concern for either you or your unborn child nor does he seem to have sought to reassure you that this will never happen again.
I understand red mist-I understand that somebody can behave in a way that is totally out of character-and will not necessarily repeat. However-the lack of true remorse is worrying.
You need to talk to him and find out what is going on with him before you make any life altering decisions in my view particularly given your present vulnerabilities.

itsmeNDaveP · 26/02/2007 14:22

freefalling, re 'like a good wife should'. I didn't mean that you shouldn't have put up a fight, but your OP didn't make it sound like a one-sided assault, it sounded like a two way thing, two people overstepping the line, as PinkTulips said. I was replying to you on the basis of the OP, which given that I don;t know you or your DH in RL, is the only thing I could do.

itsmeNDaveP · 26/02/2007 14:24

He has shown a degree of remorse, chipkid -"when he came back in, all he could say was sorry"

"He tried to talk to me a few times" - we don't know whether he was trying to discuss the incident or change the subject.

chipkid · 26/02/2007 14:34

should have read the op more carefully-I am certainly not of the view "one strike and you're out"

LoveMyGirls · 26/02/2007 14:42

FGS I was in an abusive relationship for 2 yrs it took me 3-4yrs of counselling to be anywhere near the person i was before i got into all that - I am not for one moment saying she deserved it at all! I also said that in my first post.

Were you being a complete cow thinking he wouldn't touch you because you're pg? (i know no woman ever deserves it before everyone lynches me - i have been in an abusive relationship so im not saying that)

I am saying we all do things we regret and if he is sorry and you believe it was a one off then you don't have to up and leave and phone women's aid etc BUT personally i would go away for the weekend to make him really think about his behaviour, give you both some space etc and then talk about where to go from there i would not be letting this go lightly at all.

ScummyMummy · 26/02/2007 14:59

Freefalling has explained things v clearly, imo, in her OP: "He came after me and grabbed me and dragged me back upstairs, across the landing and into the bedroom." is the first mention of any sort of violence. Do you really think that constitutes a fair fight? I don't. I think her husband behaved appallingly and I'm not surprised she's devastated.

foxybrown · 27/02/2007 12:21

Hi Freefalling,
just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.

freefalling · 27/02/2007 13:28

Hi foxybrown...thanks for your post. I'm doing OK. DH phoned last night and we talked things through. He'll be home on Friday night and we've arranged for DS to stay at his GPs so that we can talk things through. He said he doesn't know what came over him and was full of remorse. I voiced my concerns about it ever happening again and he has sworn that it wouldn't. He talked about seeing a counsellor to help him and/or us through this. I suppose I havve no option but to give him another chance, but I've made it clear that if anything like this does happen again, then it'll be the end of us. I also told him that I don't know if we'll even be able to get through this. So, still in several minds about it. Baby is fine....doc checked heart beat etc yesterday and all seems well and Ive felt the usual amount of movement. I've wrenched my ligaments though and it feels like I've got a constant stitch on my left hand side, but I got a support belt today which seems to be helping.
Thanks for the words of support/advice ...I'll sign off this thread now.

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