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What's up with this guy?(55 Posts)
I've posted about this guy before, a few weeks ago. We have been seeing each other a month now and had 7 dates, including 2 sleepovers/sex - but mainly just lovely stuff, loads of long conversations, questions, him initiating dates 1-2 times a week, all pretty good. He hasn't been a big texter, I generally hear from him every 1-2 days between dates, and he never calls. But he does consistently set stuff up.
We had a lovely evening on Sunday. He initially invited me to his but I declined as was pretty sure it would lead to sex and it's hard for me to get to work from where he lives on a Monday morning. So we met in town, had a lovely dinner and drinks, chatting/kissing for 6 hours. He put me on a bus home and said he would text me.
And since.. nothing!
I don't know when I'm next seeing him. He intimated that he was busy tue/wed/thu/possibly fri/sat all day, which I brushed off at the time but in conjunction with me now not knowing when I'll next see him feels a bit odd. He used to set up the next date right after the last one. I've initiated contact more recently and am usually the one to text after dates to say I had a lovely time. But this time I didn't and he didn't either. It's on the 2nd day of no contact now and after a date with some deep chats about our families etc and lots of affection it just feels a bit off.
I don't want to be needy etc, or mess this up. I don't know what the normal level of contact is at this point or how they should be between dates. When I am with him it's great then it's like whenever we get slightly closer he disappears for 1-2 days and comes back totally neutral. I'm getting worried and it's awful! Friends I have asked have said "yeah that's bit weird" that he hasn't been in touch.
Any opinions very welcome!
Could you not send a friendly text that doesn't mention meeting up, but about something else?
If he does all the running maybe he's waiting to see what happens if he doesn't?
Why don't you arrange a date?
He might be a bit fed up of doing all the running and is leaving it to see if you're that interested you'll go to the effort of thinking up something to do and inviting him?
Or, he could just be incredibly busy with work, has his mind full of it and this isn't on his radar at all.
I do initiate contact, and I suggested we go and see a play, but he didn't take the bait. I said I was free Friday and Saturday evening and he didn't pick it up particularly. I'm always the one to send the post date mushy text and he definitely knows I'm interested As he said "I'll trxt you" I left it...because I wanted to see what happened too. And he has been a guy who has consistently made plans etc and whatever you think of it a lot of the advice is just to let guys do that. Used to be the opposite, I was chronically needy and would totally sabotage stuff.
I also suggested our last date on Sunday and have suggested dates before so feel ok about that.
I would just send a friendly hi how's things type text and see how he responds.
This is usually around the time I start to get irritated and bored, if it doesn't feel right OP to you then I think there's your answer...guys who are keen don't play games in my opinion
Not meaning to sound harsh at all (and apologies if it comes across that way) but if he's already causing you to question things at such an early stage of your relationship is it really worth pursuing him?
It might just be the way he is and nothing to read into or he could be playing games. Either way it's causing you concern and a happy relationship shouldn't be like that, especially not at the start where it's all butterflies and roses!
I guess I don't know if I'm overreacting. I'm trying to be quite cool headed but it sort of feels like no progression at all, we seem so close when we are together then regardless he just drops off and if I don't send a message thanking for the date (which I'm not sure if it's relevant but we almost always split the cost so not "thanking" him for that) then he doesn't either, clearly. It's been a month and I guess the level of intimacy/interest when we are together does feel a bit out of sync with when we are apart. I wouldn't mind so much but we haven't made a plan even though he knows when I'm free and something I'd like to do that we could arrange. Yeah I guess it does feel irritating- like I imagined the lovely date!
It's not meant to be such hard work, especially this early on. If it's making you feel unsure and playing this guessing game then it's not really right for you.
After a month though is any of this just normal and I'm over thinking?
Is he possibly still dating other people? Not unlikely after a month if you haven't agreed to keep it exclusive.
"He intimated that he was busy tue/wed/thu/possibly fri/sat all day".
So he's busy all week and is planning not to see you. And yes, of course it is possible that he is seeing other people.
Sounds like he might want to see you on Sunday again if nothing else comes up for him.
I would leave it actually.
After a month of dating, he already wants to see you once a week at his convenience. And it is okay for him to want that kind of relationship - just as it is okay for you to say no thanks and on to the next one.
I can't speak for every guy out there, but how he's behaving isn't how I've behaved when I've been interested in someone.
As pp have said, it does sound like it's harder work than it should be after a month (and it wouldn't suit me) but I'm more of an LTR type person than happy with casual dating / taking it slow.
Where I've clicked with someone I've really wanted to see them. The one LDR I've had frustrated the hell out of me!
This is what I hate about dating, I am at a similar stage as you and the guessing what's going on drives me nuts, mine does contact me everyday though even if it's just to say 'hi, hope your ok'. I think the first few weeks/months are tricky, your getting to know each other and at this point you start to see things you don't like or are unsure of. I think if he was that into you he would message more and would be keen to arrange the next date even if it was in 2 weeks time due to being busy. Thins is why this time I am trying not to over invest too early, I have been here a few times and have had men disappear or I have 2nd thoughts and I disappear.
It sounds a little like he has lost interest in you which if it's because you wouldn't have sex with him on Sunday is shallow and you're well rid of him.
Did you get together at New Years then? Were you both looking to date or has this happened accidentally?
After years and years of dates which went the way you're describing, and me wondering if/when I should text, trying to play it cool, trying to figure out what the man was thinking and what he wanted, I finally realised that when you meet the right man there is no game playing.
If they like you they make the effort.
When I met my husband a few years ago it was like a breath of fresh air. He would text every day, reply to my texts, call me, want to see me, suggest dates, and prioritised me in his life.
If it's the right relationship then it will be easy, not stressful!
Yes we met at New Years. Both single a while, I guess it was "accidental"
Anyway just texted him asking how he was. He replied but his replies just seem non committal. Saying he would like to see me, the days he could do, but no particular oomph or suggestions like he used to. He then was like "will you be staying over ;)" I feel like his main interest is skewed towards sex now. I don't want a casual thing, I thought he was genuinely interested in me but it just feels funny.
If they like you they make the effort.
This in spades. IME of dating over the past 18 months or so, once communication goes off and you're left wondering what's going on, it's the beginning of the end, I'm afraid. You can try and tell yourself he's just busy etc etc but if he's not texting/calling and setting up dates then he's just not that fussed. Sorry to sound harsh but it's the truth.
A guy who is interested in having a proper relationship with you will make spending time with you a priority. Listen to your gut on this one...it's telling you that he's not right for you.
Feeling a bit down about it. I like him, and I felt like we were getting close and at first he seemed really genuinely keen. Now it's just like suddenly it's fallen off. He hasn't any suggestions for what we do except just a drink then me staying over and the next day he has to leave town in the morning. I don't want a casual thing- I don't know if I should make that clear. I don't want to be having serious define the relationship talks but I also don't want to be used.
To be fair he is responding to your text so hasn't ghosted you. Personally I think texting/ calling every day is a bit full on and very difficult to maintain, especially early on. It can be quite emotionally draining and this is an example of what happens when the contact stops for whatever reason, even if it only stops briefly.
If he is back to neutral every time you meet in spite of what seems like a wonderful connection the date before, I can see why you're uncertain. He has responded (so he's not ghosting you) but not the way you wanted.
It's been fun but it's run its course?
'Busy' if he's keen shouldn't mean too busy to text or call. If someone has limiited free time they're usually prepared to lavish it on the person they think will provide what suits them. Half-hearted, or predominantly about sex, isn't what appeals to you.
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