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Partner left me. I want to die.

(49 Posts)
Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 09:37:54

I used to come to mumsnet when my children were small. I need to talk and I don't know where else to go.

I have chosen a new name for this thread because it is quite indentifying.

I left my husband for another woman. I loved him very much but we were together since we were very young and I always felt a strong attraction to women. He was the only man I ever felt physically attracted to and it was totally overshadowed by my attraction to women (in my own head. No one but him knew this).

In all the years we were together, almost q decades, I never strayed. I was never tempted. I never came across anyone that gave me 'feelings' at all. I fancied celebrities and stuff but my eye never wandered. I loved my husband and was content.

Then I met her. Online. It started off in a chat group relating to a mutual interest. She had an account especially for that so her profile pic was a generic cartoon and I spoke to her for a few months very innocently. We became friends.

Then she added me to her real face book and I saw her photo.

I'm not a dramatic person but I fell in love immediately. I can still remember that moment 2 years on. It really was like something from a film.

We became flirty. But the group we were in was very flirty and silly anyways so I never thought much of it.

I told my husband how I felt and initially he was supportive. He knew who I had felt for many years and sometimes we discussed me having a girlfriend too. But of course reality is very different.

With DHs blessing I told her how I felt. She said she was flattered and over time we became closer. We began to fall in love.

She lived in another country and so made the decision to visit.

I told DH but it became too much for him.

He gave me an ultimatum.

I loved him but this woman touched me emotionally in a way I had never experienced. I felt like this is what I was. Who I was. I felt whole.

I felt like if I didn't meet her I would regret it.

So I made my choice.

I met her. We spent the most amazing week together.

2 months later DH moved out.

And now. She has dumped me. Gone non contact. We spent a lot of time together. Despite the distance we would travel and spend your weeks at a time together, regularly.

I feel like I want to die.

I have children. So I won't do anything stupid but my pain is unbearable.

It's been 2 months since she last talked to me and I still cry daily. I dream of her every night. I want to claw away at myself with frustration.

And I feel guilty

That I ripped my family apart

That exDH still looks after me. Still cares for me after all this.

That I can't let go of her.

I feel like the sun has been extinguished.

How do people cope with this? My whole future is gone. I've been publicly humiliated in our friends group. I've lost everyone I talked to online because I was so embarrassed.

We were engaged.

I surround myself with the things she made me. Her shirts. I look at her photos multiple times a day.

I've lost weight. I can't sleep properly. I had a massive sex drive and its gone from that to nothing. For months because my mind automatically flits to her and I end up crying.

I'm on antidepressants.

I just don't know how to move on.

I dobt think I've even accepted I need to move on. I still hold hope for us.

I feel pathetic.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 31-Jan-17 09:43:41

You sound so sad. flowers

But you will get over this, you really will. It may not feel like it now but you will.

Keep busy, look after your health and take each day as it comes. I wish you well

Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 09:48:57


I know the things I need to do but it's just so overwhelming.

DearMrDilkington Tue 31-Jan-17 09:50:08


Bluntness100 Tue 31-Jan-17 09:51:07

Ok, why did she end it? Maybe trying to take a step back and examine her reasons, inc seeing it from her point of view will help you come to terms with it being over?

Huskylover1 Tue 31-Jan-17 09:54:28

My immediate worry, is that your ExH will get sole custody of your kids, if you don't pull yourself together.

IME the best way to get over someone, is to start seeing other people and re-focus your attention. So, in your shoes I would start OLD. I know that's not for everyone (rebound bla bla bla) but it worked for me.

There are billions of women on this planet, that you would be compatable with.

QueenieMum Tue 31-Jan-17 09:55:58

I hear your pain from what you wrote OP. Can you identify what hurts you most about what's happened? Let ex DH take care of you if he wants to, he wouldn't do it if he didn't. Take all the support you can get while you heal. You deserve the best that life can offer, you are strong and you can learn how to move forward. Keep talking to us if it helps flowers

sarahnova69 Tue 31-Jan-17 09:58:28

I'm sorry for what you're going through flowers

There is a lot going on here. I think a big part of it is about accepting who you are, at base. And it seems that who you are is a gay woman, or at least one who is predominantly attracted to women, no?

I suspect that a part of the reason you are so devastated right now is that you invested so much in your relationship with this woman - you left your marriage for it, it was your shot at really being who you are, and then it didn't work out. Can you disentangle some of this stuff? Are you seeing a counsellor? Could you join a LGBTQ group of some sort to talk through the aspects of this which are about your sexuality?

I have no doubt you also love her very much, though - but you CAN heal from that. If you haven't already, block her completely - you can't get better when you keep picking the scab. Seek out counselling and practice good self care. All the best.

Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 10:12:59

DH would never try to take my kids. He helps me alot but he always has.

I think I am gay yes but I am rarely attracted to people. I'm very introvert and have a lot of issues and so I don't socialise much. I never thought i would be with anyone like her. It was just something I never thought was on the cards for me. It was like a dream come true.

I know why she left and I don't blame her. They aren't relevant to how I'm feeling now. Distance and other factors were just too much and she is the type of person who needs to just cut free and be gone. But I miss her frienship greatly too.

sarahnova69 Tue 31-Jan-17 10:35:09

I'm very introvert and have a lot of issues and so I don't socialise much. I never thought i would be with anyone like her. It was just something I never thought was on the cards for me. It was like a dream come true.

This sounds important. I think you should find a counsellor and talk through some of this - could you consider it? No doubt you are just plain lonely now as well as heartbroken, and that means you need to reach out to other people.

There is every chance you can find another girlfriend/partner again, especially if you get some support to work through your grief now.

Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 10:41:01

I've been waiting almost a year to talk to a counsellor through the NHS. I have preexisting depression. So It is sonethibg I want to do.

Lelloteddy Tue 31-Jan-17 10:42:00

It's not about DH trying to take your kids. It's about DH NEEDING to take your kids to ensure their wellbeing.
The dynamic you currently describe is not healthy for any child to witness. I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to get yourself some counselling ASAP and focus on your children.

sarahnova69 Tue 31-Jan-17 10:46:41

Can you pay yourself? Do you have spare money or any kind of private health coverage? I think if you possibly can, you need to prioritise some talking therapy. Can you at least go back to the GP and tell them you are doing worse, and see if you can be made more urgent?

Lelloteddy Tue 31-Jan-17 10:51:37

Ask your husband to help fund private counselling.

Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 10:52:26

I know you are right but I've been ill for a long, long time. It's not something I can just pull myself out of. It's like telling someone to just stop having cancer. I've been mentally I'll for 15 years. Medicated for 10.

Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 10:54:38

And this just feels like the tipping point.

I am on benefits. And he lost his job recently.

I have £400 I got for my birthday. I was going to buy some baking equipment to try and start a new hobby and keep me busy.

I dobt know how far that would get me with counselling. Not far I presume.

Lelloteddy Tue 31-Jan-17 10:56:09

Nobody is telling you to pull yourself out of it. But you have to start somewhere. And posting here is definitely a start. If you think your medication needs reviewing go back to your GP.

MrsEvadneCake Tue 31-Jan-17 11:03:38

Try giving these a call.

They have email and phone support. Maybe try reaching out and seeing if they can help. Talk through your feelings about things. It's so painful right now but it will eventually be ok. flowers

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 31-Jan-17 11:11:40

I don't think the gender of your lover matters - you loved and you have lost. It's always hard. It really is. Utterly horrible and painful - the rejection, the loss of affection, all of it. And I understand that you feel you can't pull yourself together just like that.

But it's not quite like cancer, is it? A cancer sufferer has literally nothing they can do about their condition. You have choices. At the moment you are choosing to wallow, to immerse yourself in your misery at your loss, which is fine (if hard on your children). But. You've already posted here, to talk about it, the first step. You are gradually choosing to let it go, a teeny bit at a time. Keep talking, here or in RL. Eventually you will talk the misery out and find a little bit of room for happier times., but it's going to take a while.

I'd send flowers if I knew how it worked. Hang on flowers. Try that.

porridgestirrer Tue 31-Jan-17 11:11:40

Forgive me for going slightly off topic but the first thing that struck me is that you have had an encounter with a narcissistic type personality. The way you describe the relationship? Your own vulnerabilities and being suddenly discarded are all concurrent with this. The total and utter pain and devastation that ensues, the inability to stop thinking about the person and the all consuming nature of it and the depression is all very very typical of the effect of this kind of personality. They hone in to your deepest desires/vulnerabilities (in your case your unlived attraction for women) and present as your perfect partner. They often cause a devastating life changing impact on their victims, they love bomb you and then can suddenly discard you without warning. I suggest you google this and also try Dana on YouTube and see if any of it makes sense to you. It might just be the information that is going to help you recover. I had a similar experience and truly understand your overwhelming pain but learning what had happened to me was enormously helpful. Google narcissism, not just the clinical definition but the many blogs and websites by people who have experienced it. They describe it as it happens from experience. Good luck. I hope it helps you 💐❤️

InTheMoodForLove Tue 31-Jan-17 11:18:41

Cluedough I feel your pain. What if you could see what happened to you like an amazing gift life has given you?
Think about it. You always knew you were gay. You found a lovely supportive and understanding partner. That is a gift. Honestly. You just need to read at the horror stories on MN to know that your history could have been so much different. He has supported you all the way and he is still there for you and the kids. Then there is the woman. Again what a gift to experience something so powerful and beautiful, in your word like a film. You could have lived through your life and never experience that. But long distance relationships, especially via the inter web, are very strong and passionate by nature but more often than not the dream ends at some point. Now you are back to reality, you have learnt so much about yourself (another gift even if you do not see that at the moment). You ex pattern is still there for you, let him help but pls do not abuse his kindness. He must have suffered too and he is still you best ally.
Lastly a bit of tough love. You really need to grow up, acknowledge and focus on priorities. On tangible things. Your children need you. This woman was the world for you because of many factors, novelty being one of it, of course it must feel as young love, but you are not a teenager, my dear.
As PP suggested reach out to LGBT support groups, I am sure there is free help out there.

Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 11:33:31

The cancer analogy. I am taking meds. I am on a waiting list. I'm not choosing to wallow.

People experience break ups and when they have a healthy mind and balance they have the tools to cope and move on.

Despite my 4 pills a day I don't have that even starting block people with a normally functioning brain have.

So its not choosing to wallow. It's an illness.

If I could just go 'hey. That was kinda shit but I have my health. I'm ok!" And skip off into the sunset dobt you think I would?

I try to go out and have panic attacks (happened long before being dumped) Everything's just been exacerbated.

MelOrSue Tue 31-Jan-17 11:39:56

How is your ex husband. He sounds like he has been very supportive considering what he has gone through

ParrotPudding Tue 31-Jan-17 11:56:02

I think a huge part of your anguish about this situation is because, your gay relationship was a starting point to you being allowed to come out as you. It's extremely hard to come out as gay, more so as an adult with children for many reasons, so for that 'entrance' relationship to come to an end probably feels like youre loosing a part of your identity that you've only just had accepted.
I think you're probably mourning the loss of your openess with the world iyswim?
Be kind to yourself, and although I think your exH soundslike such a wonderful and kind man, i think you need to be wary of leaning on him so hard and falling back into a relationship with him. It will hurt him, and yourself and also your DC.

I also agree with a PP about OLD actually. Getting yourself out there in the Bi/Gay community would probaboy do wonders for your emotional health and identification.

Cluedough Tue 31-Jan-17 12:09:24

I love my husband but we won't get into a relationship again.

I think you are right about feeling like I've lost that part of myself when after so many years I wanted to be in that situation.

But then again, like I said, I don't bond with people easily. My whole life I only ever liked 2 people in a sexual way so I guess I find it hard to believe that will come around again. Especially as with my girlfriend it was so strong.

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