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Partners ex and ongoing issues(14 Posts)
I have been with my partner for over a year. I have 2 children he has 1 - a 10 year old girl with whom I (and my children) get on with well. We are both in our 40's.
His ex is rather flighty and can be a little self centred and since they separated she has moved to several locations including living with a man and making no effort to save any cash to provide a home. My partner has been consistent in seeing his child on a regular basis.
His ex is now homeless in that she no longer lives with her boyfriend but stays with him. The daughter now lives in my partners house (temporarily) with the two of them staying at the home sharif the. Hold are seperarly - i.e. The nights are agreed in advance and he stays elsewhere on the nights she's staying there to care for their child. This is apparently to provide stability for the child which is of course the most important thing.
I'm supportive of this for the reasons mentioned above but am struggling with it as I think anybody would. This woman has been a disruptive influence on our relationship in that she's yet to get my boyfriend back on a couple of occasions (I know he never would and that her intentions were money/security based), provided constant instability for the child and therefore he tends to always try to fix things for his child's sake. This is often at our expense.
His ex is infelxible despite what is being done to help her situation and I don't feel he stands up to her and gives deadlines for sorting herself out - what he is doing extends way beyond what is reasonable and feel this kind of thing should be given a limit as she's the type of person to just take advantage and extract what she can from a person. The child is very over pandered in that te mother treats her way below her years giving her her way all the time which makes parenting hard for my boyfriend.
The child's welfare comes first, I know that but this situation seems to have been never ending and it's causing instability and unrest between the two of us. It's also stopped our plans to move forward with our life on two occasions now and right now is severely depleting the time we get together.
Feeling pretty exasperated and helpless. Any advice?
It's a year you've been with him.
It's all drama drama drama.
In your 40's with your own DC do you really need this shite?
I'd cut my loses and leave them to it.
This would be way too much crappy baggage for me to handle.
Yep, end it, do you really need the drama, this isn't going to change, well not for another ten years or so (when your bf daughter is approaching adulthood). His priority is his daughter, that's how it should be and while I do think he could deal with it differently he has chosen not to.
Have a talk about it with him and mention how this is affecting you and the relationship.
Does she work? Is she actively looking for somewhere to live? Surely she has a relative she can stay with? Her living arrangements are not your bf responsibility. . He is making her life too easy when it isn't his job to. . Dd or not.
Walk away and focus on your own life. You and your children are never going to be of primary importance to this man. You don't need to waste your life accommodating someone who will never put your needs first.
Exactly what hellsbells said. Far too much drama this early on. Protect your own kids and get out now. It's likely to continue like this, how long can you tolerate feeling like the OW?
Yes we have talked. He says he has been thinking things through and needs to get things straight before meeting with his ex to lay down some strict boundaries and deadlines for this ending in a reasonable time frame.
I have explained that he has my support but that doesn't mean that this is not hard for me and that the above conversation must happen. I have explained that I do not trust his ex to sort herself out as she has repeated the same mistake time and time again over he past year constantly thinking of her own needs not those of her child never mind the bigger picture - ie me and him and the effect it's having. It won't even have crossed her mind as she's extremely self centred. He always thinks she will do the 'best' in a situation and sort herself out. Due to past experience with her I now think the worst and she often proves me right.
Ending it? Maybe if will happen if this continues as there is only so much I can take whilst kids come first (always) I agree he has not chosen to handle this well. It could have been handled with more balance and consideration for all the apparently important areas of his life.
It's incredibly frustrating to have this potentially ruining what is otherwise a great relationship. If I could see and end to it it would be easier to deal with but the past year has shown me that she will never cease to amaze me with her antics and he will always bail her out for the sake of the child. I kind of think short term pain for long term gain? The more you help some people the less they stand on their own two feet. Let her lie on her bed and be there on a regular basis for the child. But you can't fix everyone because some people just take all they can from others and don't take opportunities to improve this situation whilst somebody else is willing to make it easy for them.
Yes, she works part time and currently lives between relatives, her boyfriend and his house a few nights a week. The child is at his house most of the time occasionally staying at relatives with her mother when it's her weekend.
Should add that my kids and ex aren't without drama either! Everyone in their 40's has some level of baggage. But to me, this is way beyond what's acceptable and is only manageable with serious deadlines that are stuck to.
Pardon me, as I live in the US and have no idea what your family laws might be. But here, a parent who failed consistently to provide a stable, safe home for her child would be viewed as unfit by the court, and most times, a petition for full custody by the other parent would be granted.
If this is an option, it's worth considering as it is very likely the only way this child can be made secure. It need not end the mother's relationship as she can certainly have visitation, and the financial strain on Dad can be softened as he will no longer pay child support and (In theory) will actually receive it from her.
This need not be framed as punitive -- it's what would usually happen if mom was gravely ill, e.g. (And I suspect this mom has serious mental health issues that must be addressed if the woman is to avoid homelessness.)
Just a thought.
It sounds like your bf has a lot of problems to address with respect to co parenting with his ex, and might wish to seek to change the current custody arrangement. That's heavy stuff, and as you say his DC must be his priority. Pretty hard to maintain a relationship with all that going on, for him, and tricky for you to avoid being sucked in.
So the Ex lives between your boyfriend and her parents house?
I don't see her becoming responsible any time soon. Some mothers are just useless.
You and your children are never going to be of primary importance to this man.
Surely that is the way it should be, his child should always come 1st and that is what he is doing.
He can not help the fact that his Ex is useless nor that she is the mother of his child and he cannot make her a better person. All he can do is providing a safe environment for their child, allowing the woman to co-parent within his home, while he steps out, is admirable IMO and best addresses the needs of the child to have both parents, parenting.
Clearly the OP resents the situation, which I can understand, so she needs to decide whether she can put up with it or whether she needs to call an end to it but he seems to be making the best of a bad lot for his child.
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