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Soul destroying unresponsiveness(12 Posts)
More often than not whenever I am trying to make conversation with husband I will either get no response or if I'm lucky a grunt or an obvious sort of fake laugh after a long pause so I am clear it took alot of effort to fake it for me. It may sound dramatic but it feels everytime e like my soul is being destroyed piece by piece.
I just can't understand how or why when someone is making an effort to be friendly/ is talking to you in an animated (please don't read annoying!) way you can so easily shut them down. Nobody else in my life has ever done this too me and I can't even bring myself to do it back as it just feels so nasty.
I'm guessing it's some sort of tactic designed to make me feel.like shit or some method of control? It's been going on so long, I have spoken to him about it but makes no difference and never gets any less hurtful.
By the way he doesn't do this to anyone else in his life, can talk to people he doesn't know eg waitresses in a restaurant with total interest and can talk about himself for ages.
Any thoughts? I'm in the process of leaving him but as I feel it's subtle abuse I swing between feeling it's all in my head and have wobbles over whether it's enough to leave and I'm being too sensitive.
What does it look like from his perspective? Why would he try to make you feel like shit? When he's talking to waitresses, the guy fixing his car, etc. it's just business conversations, that's quite different, it's a business transaction or you just put up a facade. Somebody talking at length about himself or his own interests (or hers) is also different from having a conversation (involving giving and taking and two people). So, what subjects are you trying to talk to him about, is it just chit-chat or something he could find interesting from his perspective? Or are you just bringing up things that ought to be done around the house? We don't know. Anyway, some people just find it hard to handle smalltalk. So another question could be to ask yourself and consider whether he might have Aspergers or is on the autism spectrum, as it is called? It's a bit like having a handicap such as being partially deaf, in that you - from what I understand - can't easily overcome it without tools and techniques, and you might come across the way you describe.
He just sounds horrible. I know exactly what you mean by soul destroying. It's entirely intentional and just plain mean, designed to make you feel unimportant. Anyway, doesn't have to be 'enough' by anyone's standard but your own to leave. Just do it and you'll feel a massive weight lifted.
It is over anything, and I mean anything. I can be telling him something funny the kids have said or done, something that happened at work, starting a conversation about something I absolutely know he's interested in. He's a sulky type and it just makes me feel on edge like I'm being punished for something I dint even know I've done. I know that sounds pathetic. I have on the past been convinced he's on the autism spectrum but I don't believe it anymore because he does not act like this with anyone else but me. He laughs and jokes and converses with friends, family and the kids just cuts me dead with his obvious disinterest in anything I have to say.
Awful. The one person who is supposedly to be totally on your side.
Your DH is stonewalling you; this is passive aggressive abusive behaviour; the fact that he reserves this behaviour only with you is telling.
Google 'passive aggressive' and 'stonewalling'.
My soon-to-be-exH was a pro.
I feel for you so much. I have been that woman, in that place & it leaves you dead inside. I finally found the strength to throw him out after reading an article on Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Well, quite a few articles actually and there is no coming back from that. Just check it out & see if anything else fits. Often he would be super nice to people (esp women) he didn't like, just to show me what a lovely person he was & if I was more worthy, I could have some of that too. That's what keeps you there.
Once you accept it is not your fault, life gets much better. My house has no eggshells!!
Good luck OP
Thanks for the responses the suggestion have made make total semse, I am always second guessing myself as a result and I realise this is probably a product of living with this for the past 5 years. I am definitely putting an end to it but just wish I could do it with as much certainty and strength as you ladies and others I see giving advice on here. There's always that nagging doubt in the back of my mind
His nasty behaviour towards you, and it IS nasty, has created a situation where you doubt yourself at the back of your mind. Somehow you need to find the clarity of mind to see how you want to live, and to believe that you are worthy of living without a partner who is horrible to you.
Perhaps some counselling for yourself, or some reading about dealing with the impact of a nasty partner.
Oh I had this with exh and I would never put up with it again. You are quite right that it is soul-destroying. It makes you feel like a lesser person yet no one else treats you like that. I used to say he made more effort with the neighbours than he did with me, laughing and joking and acting so obviously false it was almost laughable.
Be prepared though for him to suddenly decide to make an effort and tell you how much he has changed and appreciates you when you tell him it's over.
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