How to get DH to snap out of it? 1 week old baby.

[Mysterycat23]

Sorry for epically long ranty post. Not sure where to post this so sorry if in the wrong place.

Recently had first baby 1 week ago. Baby totally fine, struggling with DH.

He has been sleeping the night in spare room while I do nights (bf) and then having baby while I cat nap through the day. However he rolls his eyes at me when I ask for food/drink or for him to do some housework. We have talked and he has said he needs time alone which he is ALREADY FUCKING HAVING while me and baby sleep in the day. He also mentioned wanting to go and do his hobby with mates which tbh I shut down by pointing out he was on paternity leave not on holiday. He's acknowledged it's wrong to go off doing hobby on pat leave but still in a huge piss.

What is fucking me off the most is the food thing. He is not even thinking "hmm lunch time = food". It will get to 2pm, he has not eaten or offered me lunch or even worse made himself a snack and not made anything for me. I'm having to remind/ask instead and then I'm rewarded with the eye roll and the pissyness. By the way the freezer is literally filled with batch cooked meals I bloody well made on mat leave.

I am finding it incredibly hurtful and disappointing. I just don't know what to do to get him to snap out of it. I'm at the point of thinking I will have to cry and scream to get him to grow the fuck up but why should I have to get worked up and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am.

We had a big convo tonight which somehow ended up being about me not listening when he was talking about an actor in a film we were watching and how disrespectful I was being. 😑

Just didn't expect this, when I had terrible ms in first trimester he was fantastic at looking after me and did everything perfectly willingly. What can I do or say to get him to snap the fuck out of it??

TL;DR

1 week old baby, DH prefers to watch Netflix and play Xbox than microwave a tupperware to feed mum. Where can I get a cattle prod?

[TheTombstonesMove]

He sounds utterly crap. I'd have lost my shit at him by now.

Possibly slightly more helpful I'd get very clear and specific about what you need from him. E.g. Every time I feed, bring me water. Every 2 hours, bring me a snack. Etc etc. Being extremely fucking generous to him, having a baby is a massive adjustment and he may not quite realise just how much help and support you need.

[Hidingtonothing]

If this was my DH I would ask him straight whether there was a reason he wasn't looking after me and his baby the way he's supposed to. I'd point out that I need time to recover from the birth and adjust to being a mum and that I thought he would want to look after us both and don't understand why he doesn't seem to want to? And then I'd shut up and wait for a reasonable explanation (there isn't one) and respond to all attempts to change the subject or turn it back on me with 'that isn't what I asked you and I need an answer'.

There are two possibilities as far as I can see, he's either a total selfish prick or he's struggling to adapt to the change in dynamic (despite having 9 months to get used to the idea) having a baby brings. Either way he needs to get his head out of his arse and start looking after you.

[SmallBee]

Has he somehow forgotten that you've just pushed a person out of you and might therefore need recovery time? I'd remind him.
Also he gets alone time EVERY FUCKING NIGHT. When is your alone time?
HidingtoNothing has the best suggestion I feel. Ask him directly and don't let him go off topic.

[saffronwblue]

Congratulations on your baby!
Your DH sounds less than helpful at the moment. Can you take to your bed for a day or two and explain to him that you need meals brought, water filled up every time you feed, him to walk the floor if LO is crying etc? In some cultures you would still be in hospital or being totally waited on at home.
Can you ask your HV to talk to him about the needs of a new mother?

[DailyMailFuckRightOff]

Do either you or him have close family around? Can you ask one of them to have a word if he's not getting it?
Sounds like he needs someone to say 'what, you're not doing x and y? You're being an absolutely shit husband mate' or similar.

[Itwillbefine]

I think you need to tell him to get you lunch etc.

It is very difficult adjusting to having a baby and he needs to learn you are a team.

In another week you won't be able to nap as much during the day so also get yourself into a routine of eating.

I remember when DS1 was a newborn, my DH came home from work and couldn't believe what a state the kitchen was in. I hadn't eaten properly all day and needed him to get me something while he insisted on cleaning the kitchen first. When he said it was my fault I hadn't eaten anything he did feel the full force of sleep deprivation rage. I don't think they understand how all consuming a newborn is.

1 week in is early days but he needs to step up.

Congrats on your new arrival!

[DameDeDoubtance]

This isn't good enough, not nearly, he is acting like a sulky teen when you need him the most. Tell him what you expect, this can't go on or this will be your life, you'll wonder in years time why he gets the good bits and you do all the donkey work.

Was he always useless or id this a new trait?

[SleepFreeZone]

I can't remember my DP making me lunch at all during PL. He would make me drinks if I was bf but otherwise I was still getting myself food. I think I just had a different attitude and set of expectations. To my kind he was going to be back at work soon and I just had to get on with it. I didn't have a CS though, if I had snd physically couldn't move then yes I would have totally expected him to step up 100%

[Itwillbefine]

In fairness I do think men find it more difficult to adjust to a baby.

Make him sleep in your bed with you, he's not seeing what you're doing all night and probably thinks he's being very reasonable letting you nap in the day while he 'helps'.

Give him more instruction? To treat him like a waiter? Make the most of him while he's there.

[rwalker]

is it that he feels like a bit lost from a mans point of view (yes i know it,s better ) but sometimes breast feeding can make you fell very excluded nip it in the bud have a chat love me kids with all my heart but maybe it a man thing but felt a bit detached with babies

[Itwillbefine]

I've just reread the OP, you're only having to remind him it's lunchtime. My DH doesn't think about these things, even now my boys are 8 and 11 if I don't instruct he forgets it's tea time etc. I can leave them for a whole weekend and they survive but if I'm around I am chief organiser. Get a bigger cattle prod and use it.

[AnyFucker]

Maybe he has a touch of PND

< dead pan >

[HelenDenver]

Hardly "only", itllbe

OP, HIBU

[RubyWinterstorm]

What an utter wanker!

You need a big massive row where you tell him how badly he is letting you both down

[Bluntness100]

To clarify, you do the nights with your child , but he does the days except breast feeding, is this right, and he also has to do the housework and make your meals?

[Crumbs1]

I think paternity leave creates problems. The woman thinks she should be looked after and the man hasn't got a clue what to do to help. He has to sit looking at his wife feeding and cuddling whilst he is expected to suddenly understand how the household is managed and look devotedly at mother and child. He hasn't really got a role except as servant. It creates resentment instead of bonding. I'm sure it will all settle down soon.
We used to have granny come and help,but nowadays everyone is so angry with granny for some spurious reason that her experience and wisdom go unrecognised. It's a pity because most (not all, I know) grannies are well placed to run household for a few days whilst new parents adjust.

[physicsisfun]

From your OP it (hopefully) sounds like this arsehole behaviour is out of character.

Was he at the birth, did he see what you just did/went through? Even all going well you still have a bruised, bleeding, leaking body needing to heal itself all whilst learning how to meet the needs of a constantly demanding helpless newborn. And getting no sleep.

This needs nipped in the bud, preferably with a calm chat so he can't dismiss it as hormones. Explain all of the above. Spell it out. Be graphic.

And then write lists. Fire texts at him from your bed/sofa every time you need something. Others will say you shouldn't have to, perhaps that's true but he might just really not get it.

[SleepFreeZone]

My mother was totally hopeless. Came up and talked to me when all I wanted was her to have the baby when I slept. Then went up to bed early and left me downstairs with baby through the night crying my eyes out as I had had no sleep and a long labour.

If I get the chance to help a DIL with a newborn I'll make bloody sure I actually help them.

[HelenDenver]

"whilst he is expected to suddenly understand how the household is managed"

Why the hell wouldn't he know this before?

[dalmatianmad]

Congratulations! Having a baby is a massive shock to the system and takes some getting used to.

Are you physically not able to get yourself some food? I remember making some lovely quick lunches for us when ours were babies, it's a good time for dp to have some cuddles with baby whilst you potter around in the kitchen......

I don't remember being waited on hand and foot, you can still do things, enjoy this first couple of weeks as a brand new family rather than expecting him to do everything

[HelenDenver]

"everyone is so angry with granny for some spurious reason that her experience and wisdom go unrecognised"

Or because granny has a job. As does mummy, from which she is on maternity leave?

And I see bluntness is being her usual self.

[badabing36]

No bluntness she naps with the baby. I.E. around 40 mins at a time.

Shout and scream at him, get your health visitor to talk to him, get your dm, df, dmil and dfil to talk to him. If none of that works threaten to ltb.

Making himself a snack and not you? While your feeding his baby? Not on.

You will find loads of idiots people on mn who have done it all while cooking 3 square meals for their poor dh who needed time to adjust to parenthood, you don't have to be one of them.

[Lorelei76]

Crumbs, it isn't 1950, despite the news.

Op go apeshit. Also make him sleep in your bed. He's not on holiday.

[Somehowsomewhere]

everyone is so angry with granny for some spurious reason that her experience and wisdom go unrecognised

Ridiculous. When my children were born, my mum lived 3 hours away and worked full time. MIL lived a 3 hour plane journey away... and worked full time. Like most adults do.
And my husband knew perfectly well how to manage a household as he'd been an equal member of that household for the previous 5 years!
Men struggle to adapt to a new baby... well yeah, so did I. Luckily my DH wasn't a lazy dick and looked after me on pat leave. Because I'd just had a 24 hour labour and was breastfeeding a newborn.

[contrary13]

"...and be the one to yet again be rocking the boat while he gets to say how demanding I am."

This bit worries me slightly. That and the fact that you've obviously spent your maternity leave preparing for the birth of your baby (congratulations, by the way!) by preparing, cooking and freezing meals for both of you to eat during this time. You ensured that you would both have meals to eat... but what, exactly, has your 'D'H done to prepare for the birth of his child? Did he think that life would continue on as normal for him after the birth (being able to waft about doing a hobby/spending extensive amounts of time with his friends/watching long and involved films and waffling on about actors)? Or did he realise that once you have a newborn...

... absolutely everything changes. Did he grasp the concept that not only are they demanding little buggers beings, who (quite rightly) expect the world to revolve entirely around them whilst they adjust to the shock of having been born - or did he think that you'd push the baby out and, within a few hours, be back cleaning the house after him and bringing him lunch at lunch-time, whilst he sat around enjoying his holiday paternity leave?

At the moment, a week after having had your life change in one of the most wonderful ways that it can, you are sleep deprived and hormonal. But if you are not fed and watered at regular intervals, you also risk your milk supply drying up. Which will affect your baby. Can you point this out to your 'D'H... or will he claim that you are "being demanding"?

My ex was just like this, too. When DD was two weeks old - he went travelling to "find" himself. He didn't come back for almost three years. Two days before DS was born (because yes, I was an idiot and took him back), he moved back in with his Mummy and Daddy, so that he could be looked after following DS' birth. During labour with both of the DC, he wafted about looking put upon and actually missed DS' arrival into the world because he's gone to his car for a nap, he was so tired (I'd not slept for 28 hours and was in immense pain/frightened). That's mostly why he's my ex... although we limped along until DS was 3 and DD was 11 (refused to allow him to move back in, though... so his Mummy and Daddy looked after him for almost 4 years in the end!).

My honest advice, as a woman who had to "do it alone" following the births of her DC... if you have friends who will step into the breach, let them do so! Whilst I was struggling to feed DS, having to run DD to school when he was barely a day old and collect her/feed her/make sure she bathed/did her homework/went to bed on time... my friends stepped in. Even today, 12 years later, one of them hisses insults not-quite-under her breath at my ex if their paths happen to cross (DS thinks it's hilarious... because he doesn't know how much she did for him/me when he was a newborn).

Talk to your friends/family, OP. If your 'D'H won't step up and help you when you're at your most vulnerable (and believe me, right now, you really are!), then you need someone who will.