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Keeps threatening to leave/kill himself!

(77 Posts)
user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 21:38:50

For over a year every time we argued my husband would pack his bags and threatened to leave. It got to the point if I even got grumpy because I was tried he would threaten to leave! In the last three months I made sure I didn't upset him and it got to the point he was shouting at me because I put a deodorant on 'his' shelf by mistake! My husband has never been one to express emotion and has never been keen on dealing with them. I suggested perhaps he's depressed as he would explode at the slightest thing, I would react and get upset and then he was packing his bags leaving again. It became so stressful I began to get panic attacks constantly begging don't leave and always wondering if he would be gone next week. I often felt confused as to what I had actually done most times! We have two young children 5 and 2, so I just tried my best to keep us all together. Last month he did it once again and I said fine, I said go. I didn't cry or shout I just said I don't want you here anymore and I had warned him that I would call his bluff sooner or later. I was honestly set to be a single parent and had arranged my finances and arranged with work about what I was going to do, as being a single parent my hours would need to be changed and they were supportive. So I was ready. It came as a great shock to me that he infact didn't want to go and would kill himself if he had to leave. After hearing for so long he hated living with me and now he didn't want to live without me! I felt I HAD to let him stay in case he did kill himself, and on the condition he went to the doctor's to get help. Which he did, and took time off work and got tablets and told everyone he was suffering depression. He begged for forgiveness and I said I'm trying to be understanding but it will take me some time to get over his treatment towards me. So since then it's been ok...I must admit I have been suspicious if this is all an act to stay, but when people talk of killing themselves I feel responsible if I'm not understanding something bad might happen. Anyway, tonight after almost a month of me just biting my tongue and trying to be pleasant, I snapped at him over the hoovering. I wasn't horrible, but had been up all night and since 5am! And that set him off again like his old ways! I said to him to please understand I'm tired and snappy, it happens time to time and there's been no incidents for weeks! He said he's tired too and manages to keep his emotions in check! I argued that's not very understanding considering how I've had to be understanding that he was horrible to me because of his apparent depression. He said well he will not tolerate it and its over, he is leaving and he left again! I was shocked! I said what did I do that was so bad? He says he can't live with me and I said to him no, you just refuse to deal with any emotion except joy and that's unrealistic. So he said he was going to jump off a bridge. So again I had to back down and do the whole I'm sorry, look lets sort it out. He came back in the end and just acted like nothing happened. I don't know what to do, I feel like if it wasn't for the suicide threats I would be happy to leave! I feel like I know it is manipulation but he's on antidepressants so is it? If I act happy all the time he's the nicest guy in the world, but soon as I show any emotion he goes cold. I don't know what I'm supposed to do!

lovelycuppateas Mon 30-Jan-17 21:42:49

Sorry you have to deal with this - it sounds exhausting. I have to say it sounds like he is desperately attention seeking, and that you should take him up on his offer of leaving. Do you really think he'll kill himself? From an outsider's point of view, reading your post it seems very unlikely!

fusspot66 Mon 30-Jan-17 21:44:17

He's playing you. Read your back to yourself as if someone else had written it.

RandomMess Mon 30-Jan-17 21:44:44

I think you do what is right for you and the DC, those that threaten suicide usually don't follow through, it's all about emotional blackmail and keeping you trapped and him in control...

user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 21:52:20

It is hard for me to call his bluff because my father used to do the same and he did kill himself one day so it makes me very nervous hearing people say that. I know its probably unlikely he would but I just don't think I'd cope with it if he actually did. He knows what happened to my father so I don't know if he's using that as an ultimate threat or not. I would feel so incredibly guilty if my children had to deal with what I had too. I just feel as though aslong as I just don't bother him and basically mother him then we will all be happy, at the expense of my emotions. It's difficult. I wish I could just be a bit more tougher but the consequences if he did, tolerating it seems easier. The children don't see much I try to keep it toned down and they think their dad is so wonderful, I would hate to spoil their happiness!

Cherrysoup Mon 30-Jan-17 21:52:36

It is indeed all about the control. Let him leave. I know this would be extremely stressful, you would be worried about him, but you can't live like this and it's awful for the DC.

SweetGrapes Mon 30-Jan-17 21:56:08

I just typed a long message and lost it!
Anyway, in a nutshell, if he threatens suicide again ring the police and let them know. Make it someone else's problem then you don't need to take him back to get him off the metaphorical bridge. Easier said than done but try it.
And tell people in real life.

RandomMess Mon 30-Jan-17 21:57:14

If you stay you will be teaching your DC to sacrifice all that they are to appease an unpleasant controlling monster sad

pocketsaviour Mon 30-Jan-17 21:59:22

It is hard for me to call his bluff because my father used to do the same and he did kill himself

Does your DH know this?

user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 21:59:57

His mother is furious with him and says its abuse and shes supportive but also worried about her son who says he's depressed thinking of suicide. I just don't know if it's all a bluff on his side to save face from looking like a horrible person. I don't tell anyone else the degree of things in case it got back to him and did tip him over the edge!

user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:01:18

He knows about my father yes. Thank you for the advice its what I think too but its hard when you feel theres lots at stake.

AdoraBell Mon 30-Jan-17 22:02:39

Next time he says he will kill himself call an ambulance. When it arrives let them in and leave him to deal with it.

He is controlling you and is abusing you.

FinallyHere Mon 30-Jan-17 22:03:56

Ambulance, great idea.

So sorry you, and your DC, are being put through this by him.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Jan-17 22:05:35

I think you should protect your children from this fucked up shit

What are you playing at running around after this dick head ? Fuck knows what lessons they are learning from the pair of you

Get him out of the house and keep him out. Anything he does to himself is his own responsibility. He won't though.

phoe6e Mon 30-Jan-17 22:11:56

Oh gawd my mum did this all the time growing up. She'd actually go and put one leg out the window & db's and i would be screaming and begging her not to jump 'we promise to start tidying our rooms more' or whatever stupid thing it was about.

So awful looking back, i never want my kids to have to go through anything like thatv& neither should you - protect them

user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:13:14

I can see what you're saying but they really are not exposed to heated rows, I try my best to shelter them and take the brunt, as I said they think their dad is wonderful and are happy. There's no denying children are exposed to things they shouldn't be but on the whole they don't witness much as they're usually in bed! He's a good dad I can't fault that but not a good husband.

ClopySow Mon 30-Jan-17 22:15:18

He's manipulating you. The threat to leave stopped working on you so he's ramped it up a notch.

Seeingadistance Mon 30-Jan-17 22:15:45

He's using threats to control you. He started by threatening to leave if you didn't behave exactly as he wanted you to. Then that stopped working - you were prepared for him to leave, and he didn't get the reaction he was expecting and had got used to. So, he tried a different tactic to control you - threatening to kill himself. That is a despicable tactic for anyone to use as a means of controlling someone else, and is beyond despicable knowing about your own father's suicide. His apparent depression has worked for a while to keep you in line, but that's wearing thin now, so he's back to the suicide threats.

The next time he threatens to kill himself, take him at his word, and phone emergency services. That is the correct response if anyone is threatening to take their own life.

I don't believe he means it, but there is always that doubt, so erring on the side of caution is always best.

Then LTB.

user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:15:51

Phoe6e, yes my father also was similar. It's distressing, and how parents can be so inconsiderate doing that.

user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:22:15

I actually wish he'd have an affair and meet someone else! I sometimes imagine the scenario and then I'd be relieved of all blame from the children's point of view. Which sounds terrible but I don't know what else I could do without worrying about the apparent consequences.

AdoraBell Mon 30-Jan-17 22:22:16

He is not a good dad. A good dad would treat the mum with respect and love.

He is manipulating you and the DC will pick up on it. They just won't understand it,but they will be affected.

Mottlemoth Mon 30-Jan-17 22:23:16

God, he sounds awful. He's not going to change either. Please picture the next 30 years of your life walking on eggshells, afraid to put your fucking deodorant on the 'wrong' shelf in case he decides to declare he's going to kill himself. Because that's your future. You deserve better. So do your DCs.

Leave him, or ask him to leave. Mean it, and follow through. He will threaten all sorts because that is how he manipulates you. Let him. If you think he is serious about killing himself then dial 999 as it is an emergency and will be treated as such. But get yourself and your DCs away from this awful, manipulative man.

velocitygir1 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:28:16

All I can say is that he knows your father committed suicide and he's pulling this shit???!!! angryangryangry what a prat.
He's fucking with your head lovely, I had an ex like this too. Just leave him to it-the emotional blackmail is bullshit!

Mottlemoth Mon 30-Jan-17 22:29:35

My ex was a bit like yours BTW. I think he only threatened suicide once but he loved to announce he was leaving me after a stupid row about the dishwasher or something. He'd then pack a bag or sometimes go for a short while leaving me distraught. Then he'd come back and magnanimously announce he way staying - but only if I mended my ways, behaved better etc. I cringe now but I totally fell for it because he had such a hold one me.

I grew sick of it in the end and left him. Now he sees the DCs EOW. The rest of the time is is just the 3 of us. We have a calm, loving household free of fucked up emotional blackmail and childish manipulation. It's lovely.

user1485810545 Mon 30-Jan-17 22:30:27

I know, his expectations are unrealistic nobody can be happy ALL the time. I wouldn't even say I moan out with of the usual tiredness of parenthood you know what I mean. I don't stop him doing anything, even when he got caught lying about another woman in our early days I didn't let it spoil anything. If I was a horrible bitchy wife then I could understand but I'm really good so I don't understand why I get treated like this.

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