Is it possible to rebuild trust?

[bedsocksandbroomsticks]

Just that really. DP got carried away with some flirty texts a few months ago, we nearly broke up. I decided to forgive. Day to day things are great but I have an underlying fear that it's all going to go belly up. I really want to move forward with him but am not sure if I'll ever be able to fully trust him. What a cliché.

[BagelDog]

Firstly he is the cliche not you. Secondly 'carried away' makes light of it. What he did undermined your relationship and your trust in him. What is he doing to rebuild your trust? What has he changed about your relationship, communication etc? Trust can be rebuilt but it takes time, and he needs to show you that he understands what he has done, why he did it, and can show you how things are different now. You will still feel like this sometimes and he has to get that and help you feel better, but it will get less frequent over time.

[TheNaze73]

I wouldn't forgive or forget. If someone felt that little of me & a relationship, I'd have to bin them off.

[EmilyRosanne]

I personally don't think so, I often saw messages from exDP to 'colleagues' or 'friends' that although we're not overly flirting they definatley bordered on inappropriate messages that he definatley would never have accepted if it was me to other men. There were DC involved so I convinced myself that he hadn't cheated and was just 'overly friendly' however all the years later I still felt a horrible feeling everytime he got a text that he may be texting/flirting with another woman and eventually it just ate me up. I think once you have that doubt in your mind you can't ever fully trust again because what is stopping them doing it again.

[bedsocksandbroomsticks]

Thanks all. It's really sad isn't it. bageldog you got it all spot on really.

[Babycham1979]

Of course it can be rebuilt. It's not easy or quick, but it's absolutely possible if you both want it. Couples go through much worse and are stronger as a result (think affairs, war, crime, terminal illness etc).

It depends on how much you want to fight for your relationship. Is it something special or it is something you can easily move on from?

[Beelzebop]

Bedsocks, the exact same thing happened to me last weekend. It took me by total surprise as nothing like this has ever happened before. You have my sympathy as I know all I can think about is him thinking about her. It doesn't help that my confidence is shaky anyway. Has it made your confidence wobble?

[bedsocksandbroomsticks]

Hi, yes totally shaken my confidence. I confronted it and he definitely knew what a stupid, selfish thing it was to have done and what it risked. I also think that if you decide to move forwards that's what you have to do. But every now and then I expect a reminder of how I felt, which sucks. babysham makes a very good point. People go through much worse. And I do believe we have something special so I really want to keep moving forwards. It's hard sometime though.

[Oblomov17]

Hard to say. Probably not. Trust is crucial for me. I have extremely strong moral integrity and trust is hugely important to me.
I haven't been cheated on, so I can't really answer your question. But my answer is no.

For some maybe it can be re-built. In time? Get better.

But for me, and this is only my opinion, in relation to me only : But once it's gone, it's ruined, cracked. Can be partially repaired. But never full. Never total. Impossible. Could never be 100% again. There would always be that but.... that nagging doubt.

But many people do chose to try. And recover from very bad affairs. Some claim it even makes them stronger. I suspect it does.

You can choose to try. It's your choice.

[Ftumch]

I'm in a similar position, I'd like it to work, I love him, but I don't know how to get past what he's done. I feel like a mug, but none of my options are good and I'm too unwell at the moment to make big decisions

[3awesomestars]

Before my husband had an affair I absolutely without doubt said it would be a total deal breaker for me, however when it became the reality the lines are very blurred.
Now, many years later I can honestly say yes, , it is possible for trust to be rebuilt, it is possible to recover and once again have a successful relationship. But - it takes very hard work and total commitment from both sides, so you both genuinely have to believe that what you have is worth saving.
You need total transparency in everything for as long as you feel it necessary - he needs to be totally on board with this, he would also need to understand why he did it, what allowed him to cross the line, examination not just of your relationship, but his own character, why he was willing to betrayal of people he loves.
It's hard, and don't ever minimise it, even a 'few texts' can cause massive amounts of pain.
If he ever undermines your hurt, tells you you should just get over it or tries to dismiss the situation then trust will be very difficult to restore.
Remember it's on him - not you, he needs to be earning your trust again, if he's not willing to fight for you then probably it will happen again.

[bedsocksandbroomsticks]

3awesomestars thank you so much. This is really what I wanted to hear, as I do think that DP wants to work at this. We both do. He hasn't undermined my hurt or dismissed it I'm relieved to say. I think you're spot on when you talk about looking at him as well as the relationship. Silly question but when you talk about working at it, how do people do this? therapy?

[3awesomestars]

It's a whole set of actions and behaviour changes, but yes one of the main ones was individual counselling. We did a few sessions of couples counselling but didn't get a lot from it, but a lot of people do. It's also things like total willingness to be transparent, reading, talking (even when it's uncomfortable), changing attitudes in the relationship and being willing to accept that something needs to change.