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How do we move on, completely?

(7 Posts)
lovetobeatpeace Mon 30-Jan-17 15:45:43

How on earth do we move on from a failed marriage, completely, in order to feel free of the past and truthfully feel nothing but ambivalence re the ex?

I've been divorced a number of years after exh left after an affair. He is still with this person. I have built a nice life for myself and am in a (mostly) happy relationship with a good, kind man who is completely different from my self-absorbed ex.

Although I know I don't love my ex anymore, he still occupies my thoughts a lot - not pining thoughts, but angry thoughts about how unfair it all is & hoping that the elusive karma catches up with him. His behaviour before, during and post our divorce has been pretty despicable and unfortunately, we are still tied financially & I have no control over this. Perhaps part of the problem is I still can't go nc with him?

I find myself looking on mn sometimes hoping that every "my partner is having an affair" post is about them. I know it's stupid & the only person I'm tormenting here is myself - but honestly, how do any of us truly let go of the pain, anger and bloody unfairness in situations like these? I don't want to end up a bitter old woman.

I also have a feeling he may have got remarried. I don't particularly care on an emotional level, but why should he get the happy ever after ? Why am I that invested in hoping his relationship fails? She'd be his 4th wife btw... Laughable when I write it like that.

I long for the day I wake & feel nothing re exh, but I have no idea how to get there. Anyone feel the same?

Gohackyourself Mon 30-Jan-17 19:14:42

I'm not in a similar position - but I have very similar feelings to you.

I'm in a loving relationship, my kids are healthy and ok. My job is meh.... but I'm so angry at my ex dh- we split 3 years ago and have a ds 9- but just everything I hear of him or hear from him I hate.
I'm so angry that he's been able to carry on, start a new life with a gf, he's taken on her 3 kids as his own in less than a year an does more for them than his own.
It's just not bloody right that he gets to do that whilst I get all the drudgery.
No help in my post but I totally feel your pain angry

TheNaze73 Mon 30-Jan-17 19:58:32

Maybe counselling could help OP? An old adage to role out but, you do sound a bit hung up for all the wrong reasons. Hope you find your happy & hope you can move on

Hermonie2016 Mon 30-Jan-17 20:22:07

I think maybe cbt would help.We control our thoughts so try to change the pattern.Also try mindfulness and mantras about letting go.They do work

Everytime you think of him, make an effort to replace it with a positive image/ or mantra.Maybe a happy memory of your new life.

A gratitude diary is great, it makes you realise how many good things exist in your life which we can too easily forget about.

rosabug Mon 30-Jan-17 21:45:47

Hi Hermonie. It's still fresh for me -only a matter of weeks - but I dread feeling like you have described in the future. Maybe we feel bitterness to avoid the deep sadness? I know it sounds impossible, but maybe the freedom is in finding a way to wish him well and really (finally) feeling the depth of sadness. I read somewhere recently that forgiveness happens when you stop wishing the past could have been better. Everyone behaves like a shit when they have affairs. everyone. sigh : (

lovetobeatpeace Tue 31-Jan-17 12:29:20

thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies.

Rosabug, I can't see a time where I would be able to genuinely wish him well - I know who I am & cannot imagine forgiving him (which is what it comes down to isn't it?). Perhaps if he had been a decent human being, then yes, but the most I can hope for is ambivalence.

A gratitude diary is a good idea & I will look at mindfulness/other therapies. I think I need to find a way to let go - but it is hard when I continue to be financially affected by his poor choices...

NotJanine Tue 31-Jan-17 12:49:06

I've recently discovered mindfulness and I think it is incredibly helpful and can really make a difference particularly if you are preoccupied with the past - which is seen as a pointless exercise.

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