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What is a no go with "d"m?

(12 Posts)
WienerDiva Mon 30-Jan-17 15:32:04

I've posted a couple of times vaguely about how my 'd'm is controlling, overbearing and very interfering in my life.

However I found yesterday that she called me a bad mother on Christmas Eve to my stbxh.

She had already called me it twice that day in a face to face row, which she followed up with slapping me round the face twice (this is all because I don't want to be with my husband and she doesn't want dd in emotional turmoil and her life ruined, her words not mine).

Anyway, I brought it up with her a couple of weeks ago that she called me that and she flat out refused to believe me. She was ADAMANT she didn't say it.

Anyway, me and stbxh were "talking" and I said for the sake of our did I want to go NC with my mother.

She makes me anxious and I get palpations just seeing her name come up on my phone.

Anyway, I said what she called me and then she flat out denied it and he said that on Christmas Eve she had said it to him to, which he refuted (thank God).

To me, it just seems like such an unforgivable thing to say.

I suppose I'm asking if you'd agree and what other things would make you go NC with a parent?

pocketsaviour Mon 30-Jan-17 15:37:59

I think slapping you round the face would be more than enough justification, let alone anything else!

It sounds like you've normalised her abuse for many years, but you've finally reached the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

Have a read of the "But we took you to stately homes" thread on Relationships. The books listed in the opening post of that thread will help you here, especially "Toxic Parents".

Going NC will undoubtedly be the healthiest option for you and your DC. flowers

Ilovecaindingle Mon 30-Jan-17 15:40:00

Just because she gave birth to you doesn't give her the right to treat you like this. . And being a grandmother is a privilege not a right. . She deserves neither of you in her life.

WienerDiva Mon 30-Jan-17 15:42:37

There's the added complication that my stbxh (whole fucking thread on its own) is not supportive of me going NC because our dd loves my mother.

Unfortunately the complicated situation at home means he is now down playing everything my mother has done over the years. I'm feeling utterly trapped.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 30-Jan-17 15:48:28

Your mother's behaviour is abusive and she gaslights you also as a matter of routine. You would not tolerate this from a friend, let alone a parent.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point.

This is also a link about going no contact:-

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 30-Jan-17 15:51:19

"There's the added complication that my stbxh (whole fucking thread on its own) is not supportive of me going NC because our dd loves my mother".

And how does he know this re your DD?. I am also wondering if in some ways he is actually not too dissimilar in nature to your mother.

May I ask how old your child is roughly?. Are we talking teens or junior school age?

I would say to you that toxic parents more often than not turn out to be toxic as grandparents as well. It will do your DD no favours at all in the long run to see you as her mother be so disrespected by her nan.

WienerDiva Mon 30-Jan-17 16:08:04

Dd is 6.

I have just started reading the TP Susan Forward book and it's very enlightening. I've shown the most relevant parts to husband (stbxh is annoying for typo/predictive text reasons).

He says that yes he can seem parts that are very relevant but also parts that are just the author's opinion and not fact. I know I know. Fucking unreal!

He's being very difficult about me leaving the marriage. He also says that it will destroy our dd and what I'm doing is so destructive to the whole family etc.

He's refusing to leave the house (he can go and stay with his parents) and agrees it's unfair to uproot our dd from her home. But says I can go, but dd will NOT be going anywhere.

I don't work, so access to my own money is a bit of an issue, although I have a job interview tomorrow.

WienerDiva Mon 30-Jan-17 16:09:24

Sorry, in reply to dd and mother.

She does love my mother very much, but mum has acted atrociously at times around. Towards me though not dd.

Husband thinks removing my mother from dd's life as well as him with totally fuck with her head.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 30-Jan-17 16:29:05


Re your comment:-
"She does love my mother very much, but mum has acted atrociously at times around. Towards me though not dd".

Its still very damaging for her to see that particularly as you are her mother. She needs to be protected from people who emotionally and physically harm her mum like her nan does.

If your mother is narcissistic then she could be well using your DD purely as narcissistic supply. Such people really do make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. They really do need to be avoided at all costs. Your DD needs to see positive and life affirming role models, not those who will mess with her head like her grandmother.

Why has he adopted such a position re your mother?. He sounds like a very difficult individual indeed to be dealing with, I hope you have a very good lawyer who is well versed in the ways of such men.

I do not think he is going to make any aspect of your separation from him at all easy (he likes the power and control) and may want to "punish" you for leaving him. Am not at all surprised that he is refusing to leave the house but no man is above the law here.

Do you have full and free access to your money?.

WienerDiva Mon 30-Jan-17 16:38:59

Hi Attila,

He hates confrontation of any kind and to be honest over the years he's been a bit of a doormat.

But I told him in August that I'm done (he's done stuff that has ground me down plus overstepped boundaries that I won't tolerate).

He's an absolute prat when he is drunk and the last time he got really drunk he nearly hurt me 3 weeks post hysterectomy by stumbling about. This was after a massive fall out about his behaviour when drunk 1.5 years before.

Anyway, he isn't a "bad guy" and he is a good dad. But me bringing this up has brought out the vitriol in him.

He's being so degrading of me, my feelings and our dd's.

He refuses to see that us staying together will do more harm than good.

I foolishly met someone else in November and I stbxh about him.

He's now solely blaming the other guy for ruining our marriage!

Stbxh repulses me and he anything his reaction to all of this has made even more difficult.

As for money, I can maybe squirrel away £20 a week or so. But no I don't have passwords/usernames/etc.

Our financial situation is a little tricky.

We are both co-directors of a business. I don't do any work for it though. But I "draw a wage" although it just goes in the general pot.

keepingonrunning Mon 30-Jan-17 16:50:24

Your mother's behaviour is deplorable. Slapping you is assault. Go no contact for yours and your DD's wellbeing. Read the Stately Homes thread here to know you are not alone flowers

WienerDiva Mon 30-Jan-17 17:15:59

I suppose what I'm really worried about by going NC is the impact on the rest of the family. We all live so close

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