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Is my husband using me ?

(33 Posts)
Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:12:34

Just to give some background....DH and I have been together 8 years; 2 children (5 and 2) had fairly turbulent relationship since DS due to money problems and general stresses of a 2 year old. Sex has been fairly constant, nothing mind blowing but I've been content and nd he's seemed to be aswell. Been getting on completely fine. He started a new job recently and we had a row over a female colleague. I spose I felt like he was putting her first. Anyway he then goes on to say that I'm always on his case nagging him (which I don't think I do) and we need to go on a break. We've discussed the issues and he says that our relationship has lost its zing and he wants to feel that new feeling again and maybe if we spiced things up again he would get that feeling back. Typical 7 year itch type scenario. I have taken everything he's said on board and last night I felt like we had a breakthrough emotionally anyway and then he started asking (not just once) for me to send him saucy pics and videos. I have sent him the odd underwear pic throughout our marriage but not for a while. He said that if I did this every now and then it would show him that I want him to see what he's missing and it'd get him excited and want me sexually and non sexually. After alot of persuasion and him convincing me that he had taken some of my gripes on board aswell, I did it. I sent him some videos and in honesty I actually enjoyed myself. But today I feel like a young girl again like I've been mugged off in some way. He has been abit distant not texting me much. He is training away at the moment so I won't see him until next weekend . Sorry for the long post but was I foolish? I feel like I don't know him anymore after discovering hes into more kinkier things maybe I'm over brains gone into overdrive and I'm wondering if he doesn't really want me for me but for his high sex drive. I have no idea really.

MissMrsMsXX Mon 30-Jan-17 15:14:37

Whether you're married or not you shouldn't do things you're not comfortable with. But he is your husband, what would he be using you for? Perhaps you are both in a rut and he's trying to save your marriage before you both check out.

What would you like to do to improve stuff?

AddToBasket Mon 30-Jan-17 15:15:42

He put pressure on you to do something sexual that you didn't want to do. It's understandable that you are feeling uncomfortable. You poor thing.

Can you tell us a bit more about this other woman? Do you think his change in behaviour might have something to do with that?

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:19:55

It sounds silly but I just feel used like having sex with a man and then not hearing from them. I spose my mind had been all over the place convinced he was cheating on me. But I thought I knew him and the DH I know would never cheat. But I've always had it in my mind that anyone is capable of cheating. I'm sure I believe him about this other woman but it's all rather sudden him wanting me to do these things and jazz up our sex life. He says I'm not affectionate enough aswell. I'm desperate to save the marriage so I will do anything as long as I see he's meeting me half way. Just odd that he's been distant today. Maybe he's just busy.

Justmuddlingalong Mon 30-Jan-17 15:21:42

What's he doing to jazz up your sex life?

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:25:53

Well I have said this to him. I said why didnt u say sooner that u were feeling the way instead of leaving it til now where he's close to leaving me. Im open to new things....I am quite shy but I spose I did put myself out there with the video. Was that out of desperation tho. Ahh I feel like an idiot. Don't get me wrong I ended up enjoying myself. I'm not that loose when it comes to self love (if u know what I mean) I'm such a pruse. I've never orgasmd. Maybe he thinks we aren't sexually compatable because of that.

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:26:43


Adora10 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:35:02

This just does not feel right OP, the fact you never really wanted to and his reaction since, fair enough send some pics but an actual video sounds pretty brave, just make sure you're doing it for you, and not just him.

Tbh I'd be suspicious of him.

OlennasWimple Mon 30-Jan-17 15:38:46

I've never orgasmed

OP - while your DH is away go buy a vibrator and find out what makes you tick...

AddToBasket Mon 30-Jan-17 15:39:29

I agree that this doesn't feel right. It sounds as though you are worried about being yourself. And that he's about to leave you. I think you might be processing his possible infidelity.

Do you have someone in RL who you can talk to?

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:42:01

I ate feeling suspicious of him. Maybe I feel this way's not something I'd usually do. I spose I have to see what he's like later. I shouldn't feel this unsafe. I have just found out he's arranged for a babysitter Friday night so he's obviously planned something which is a new one. That's a positive sign. I worry that he's gone into sexual overdrive because of someone else I'll be brave and try and do a bit more and he'll say oh sorry this hasn't worked...

Adora10 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:46:31

Shouldn't really be about you being brave; that's just not right, like you are making yourself do something that's just not you.

Sex aside, are you a team, a proper unit that compliment each other?

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:48:44

Not really because I think everyone will think I'm being a mug. I've been a mess all week an anxious wreck! Thinking he'd cheated because he wasn't really giving me much. It was only last night he said how he felt..
I have actually thought I should get a vibrator. I'm probably abit sexually repressed as I always see these things as abit wrong although I know they aren't. I should just assume he's trying to fix our marriage by getting the spark back and having some fun

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:49:59

Up until the last couple of weeks I Would say we have been a good team. But it's like he's changed his whole view of our relationship in the space of a weak bringing up old problems

Adora10 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:54:40

I also think a vibrator is a good idea; such a shame you have never orgasmed, what is HE doing to address that with you cos it's all sounding very one sided and almost like you are to blame for something...?

TheNaze73 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:17:52

I think if he's asking you to do sonething you're uncomfortable with, you just need to tell him that you're not going to.

What some see as exciting & an everyday part of a relationship, will leave others cold. He needs to realise this.

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 18:57:01

I think he's just thinking about himself. Especially when it's all take take take...

MissMrsMsXX Mon 30-Jan-17 19:01:24

This is awful to read OP. When was the last time you enjoyed your sex life?

Does he make you feel sexy? And the no orgasm thing.... wow. Get busy with yourself and find out what you like

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 19:05:41

Still nothing from him since he finished work. Christ I shouldn't feel tbis way after 8 years surely. I do enjoy sex with him but it's usually quick not much foreplay. And coz I'm abit shy that's suited me and I haven't movEd out my comfort zone. He wants me to and I'm willing to try. Just doubting his feelings for me if he can treat me like this

Olswitcharoo Mon 30-Jan-17 19:07:36

Does he know you have never had an orgasm or do you fake it?
I have one every time, my husband makes sure I do.
You really need to have one by yourself to know what you are missing. I normally read erotic literature, black lace books, I can give you the name of a website with erotic literature x

Anom123 Mon 30-Jan-17 19:22:12

That would be a great help actually olswitcharoo, thankyou.
He does know I don't it's never mentioned. He's only got me to compare things to and his first time fling when he was a young lad.

AyeAmarok Mon 30-Jan-17 19:37:25

I think you should do some digging round the other woman.

I suspect she is the reason for his sudden disengagement from you, and why he's laying the groundwork to say that you two aren't sexually compatible, in order to give himself permission to cheat/leave.

The reason you're feeling how you are today is because you did something, to please him, that you weren't entirely comfortable with. When you (anyone) does that, you need reassurance that it was right/good, and he's not giving you that today so you feel a bit vulnerable. Especially as your relationship isn't in a great place either.

ClopySow Mon 30-Jan-17 21:00:42

If you're going to buy yourself a vibrator, can i just recommend a mains powered wand vibrator.

Seriously. Game changer.

And don't feel ashamed. You enjoyed yourself. His response makes him a bit of a tosser, but your behaviour is nothing to feel ashamed of. I'm just not convinced you can trust him with it. I mean with your feelings, not with your videos.

StripeyCover Mon 30-Jan-17 21:12:07

I dunno, I think its sleazy a DH asking his DW for a sex video. Also, if he's into "kinkier" things than you feel comfortable with, don't go along with it. I'm sorry I think your title is spot on - he is using you.

2ducks2ducklings Mon 30-Jan-17 21:13:37

I don't think it's sleazy between two consenting partners. When one partner does it because she thinks this is the only thing she can do to prevent her husband leaving her, that's a problem.

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