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Hurt that my 35-year best friend has chosen my other best friend as her maid of honour. Devastated 😪

(154 Posts)
Nixnoks Mon 30-Jan-17 15:05:46

Hi ladies, I'm looking for some advice in a situation I never through I'd be in.

I'll try and keep it as short and to the point as possible - not easy though!

My bestie and I have been best friends for 35 years, since we were 11. During that time, of course there have been times and years when we weren't as close as children, jobs etc can take over, BUT, there's never been a break in the friendship. She's been married twice, I was bridesmaid to first wedding (her second wedding just contained their daughters). She was bridesmaid at my first wedding (second wedding, I had none). I'm god mother to her children and her to my one. We have gone through soooooooo much together and literally know everything about each other, we talk everyday on message and see each other at least twice a month. I have included her in my world of friends and this is where she met my other best friend (of 15 years). Two years ago she divorced second Husband and immediately got with a mutual friend of mine and OBF (other best friend). So she only knows her fiancé and my OBF through me, absolutely no problem at all.

During the last 3 years, my life has been devastating, I literally nearly died of Bowel cancer, have done 8 months of chemo, I've had a colostomy bag, I've had 3 major ops and 12 not so major, and because of a rare complication, I, until recently, have been in agonising daily pain. I've also nearly died twice since then. So putting it mildly I've had a tough time, but my outlook has always been extremely positive and upbeat. I say all this , not for sympathy, but because despite going through all this, this situation has devastated and affected me more than the above!

Fast forward, she's now getting married again. Sooooo pleased for my bestie and her fiancé (whom I've known for 15 years). They are also spending weekends, nights out and holidays with OBF ( with no invite for us, despite being free and able to get babysitter, hurtful but have let it go).

I then get told, on a drunken girls night out after 2 wines to "not be upset", but she's asked my OBF to be her maid of honour when she gets married. I was absolutely devastated and felt suckerpunched 😪😪 she then proceeded to say "it just feels like the right thing to do as her husband is the best man, plus they are coming out for the 2 week holiday. You have a little girl to concentrate on and the hotel is adults only, and you need to concentrate on your health. I feel bad because I know what you've gone through but it just makes sense to have OBF". Aaarrrrrrgggghhhhh😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

I was so gobsmacked, as she brought my daughter into it (when I had already told her we'd attend her wedding abroad for a week (not 2)), and patronising me about my health when I'm currently in a good place. To top it all, all our girlfriends knew before me 😰 I told her it was up to her and left it.

Since then I've said nothing to her about her decision, as it is her decision after all. I've been to her engagement party, been on a few nights out and tried to keep our friendship and relationship on the same basis, but the truth is I just can't. I'm absolutely devastated, hurt, humiliatated and feel betrayed 😪😪

Everyone that's found out has been literally open mouthed and dumbstruck because we are literally like sisters, which does validate my feelings. Humiliating 😫

It's now at the point where I'm answering her texts in one word answers, I'm stony and moody if I've seen her and I've been in too raw an emotional state to talk to her about it. She is emotional dramatic and never wants to take critiscm or responsibility for doing anything wrong, which makes it difficult to have a frank and open conversation. She absolutely knows something's wrong, and unless she's living in a cave she knows exactly what's wrong but refuses to ask me if it's her and what's happened.

I asked to meet her last week, but apparently she was 'busy', even after I told her I was in a deep depression 😒. She's chasing me with messages, photos, positive messages, but I can't even reply to most of them because I don't see why she should have the 9/10 I've been giving for 35 years, when she's hurt me so badly. To make things worse, the friendship she has with my OBF is so superficial, it's bordering on offensive to what's happened.

I'm now meeting her tomorrow night and although I know what I want to say, I'd love some advice. Thanks for listening x

Chops2016 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:31:29

I'm sorry to hear about your previous poor health and glad you are in a better place these days.

While I understand why this would leave you feeling a bit hurt, I do think you are letting it upset you more than it should (am I reading your post correctly that you say this situation upset you more than almost losing your life to illness?).

If I were in her position I would be unsure whether to ask you or not because I wouldn't want to put the "burden" on you if you had been ill. I know it's a wonderful honour but being maid of honour is still work, albeit largely fun work. However if it were me I would discuss this with the person first to see how they felt taking on the role. Is she usually very adverse to confrontation? Do you think she was scared of upsetting you or making you feel obliged to take the role?

You say she was bridesmaid at your wedding, maybe she didn't realise you had an expectation of being maid of honour when she wasnt your maid of honour?

It is impossible to make everybody happy when planning a wedding.. I had a massive (and unneccessary) drama with bridesmaids/maid of honour at mine which was all caused by miscommunication and one of the bridesmaids making assumptions and having expectations I didn't know about. My advice is to talk about it with her calmly. Try and take the emotion out of it and listen to her reasons. If you've had a wonderful friendship for 35 years she can't be that bad a person and must care about you. Tell her how you're feeling and what you were expecting, she very well may not know. Try and understand it from her point of view, too.

Best of luck flowers

LesisMiserable Mon 30-Jan-17 15:34:11

"Cant believe you've binned me for OBF, the bloody cheek of it! However I'm a grown up and its your special day and I cant wait to enjoy it with you". Should do it smile

Skooba Mon 30-Jan-17 15:38:13

It might just be that her DH to-be is bf with the husband, and she feels, as they are now a foursome for holidays and stuff that she had to ask bf2.
She obviously felt bad about it but perhaps felt she had to make that choice.

I don't know what you can do. I can see how devastated you must feel. But weddings can be overrated and stressful. Can you make some plans for you, DH and DD so that you have other things to look forward to.

Offred Mon 30-Jan-17 15:40:16

Hmm... she is allowed to want to move away from your friendship, it doesn't really matter how long or how close you have been as friends.

I'm sure that it is extremely sad for you given that you still feel as close as ever to her and given you have been through such a terrible time but really I think you will be much happier if you just try to accept what she seems to be communicating to you, which is that she doesn't really want to be as close anymore, and you focus your efforts more on friends who do reciprocate your feelings for them.

Naicehamshop Mon 30-Jan-17 15:41:26

I really feel for you, op - you are obviously very upset, but you do have to grit your teeth and try and deal with it

It's her day, be happy for her and try and put your negative feelings to one side. In a few months you will wonder what all the fuss was about!

Lucy7400 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:41:57

Agree first 2 posters. Its hard but it sounds like she has more in common with the other lady right now. Jusy say what LesisMis suggests and put your big girl pants on. Being a MOH is a PITA anyway and given you are all in your forties then imo it looks a bit daft. You nearly lost your life, dont sweat over the small stuff.

WallisFrizz Mon 30-Jan-17 15:44:05

I get why you're hurt but really she hasn't done anything wrong. There is no major betrayal (even though it may feel like it). You have been through so much, let this go. In the mean time, try and find opportunities to make new friends or nurture existing ones so you don't feel so cast aside.

esk1mo Mon 30-Jan-17 15:44:28

id be pissed off too. my BF of 20 years is getting married soon and im pretty sure she will be making the same decision as yours. I wouldnt end the friendship over it, but id definitely take a step back from the friendship. she could have made you maid of honour along with OBF, which although is unconventional, could have taken some of the pressure off you as the only maid of honour. Or she could have had no maid of
honour! Honestly I'd just ask her why she made that decision, and why you weren't invited on the holiday. i hate when people say "oh i assumed this/that/the other" well you never bloody asked !!!

MatildaTheCat Mon 30-Jan-17 15:46:21

I'm so sorry you've been so ill and have had such a tough time. Your reaction to this seems nothing short of extraordinary. I wonder if it's some form of grief reaction to all the bad stuff that's all suddenly erupted?

Please try to talk to someone totally neutral about this. Being stony with your best friend isn't a good way to be. It sounds as if you've been through thick and thin together and presumably she was a good support when you were unwell?

Don't spill it out to her, what can it achieve other than to make her feel bad and you possibly look a bit unhinged. She's tried to tell you nicely why, accept it and move on. All of our friends disappoint us sometimes. It's life.

Concentrate on your health and happiness, not falling out with your best friend about what is a token role in her wedding.

Enidblyton1 Mon 30-Jan-17 15:47:47

flowers
I can totally see why this is hurting so much, even more than the physical illnesses you have recently been suffering.
Relationships ebb and flow over time, so your best friend obviously feels closer to your other best friend at this moment in time. It sounds like it's to do with the men getting on so well (and children?). Their family units must fit wel together at this moment. It may not be like this for ever - things always change.
It's a shame your friend wasn't sensitive enough to have 2 maids of honour if you two are the obvious choices. She could have saved a lot of heart ache.
As you're like sisters, the only thing to do is have an honest chat with her. Explain that after everything you've gone through recently you are understandably very fragile and emotional (frankly she should know this!). Hopefully it will clear the air and she'll explain her choice and say that she loves you very much and didn't mean for this to hurt you. I suppose you want validation of your friendship to her more than you physically want to be matron of honour? Hopefully you will feel much better after a good chat.
Good luck flowers

Floralnomad Mon 30-Jan-17 15:50:42

I really couldn't get worked up about this , but if it's any consolation perhaps she will ask you to be MOH at the next wedding .

pigeondujour Mon 30-Jan-17 15:52:37

"It's her day, be happy for her and try and put your negative feelings to one side"

I totally disagree with that even though I know it's a common view. Getting married doesn't give you carte blanche to disregard people's feelings. Especially not when it's for the third time.

From the way she's told you it sounds like she knows exactly how awful she's being. Also texting you lots positively but being unavailable to meet up sounds cowardly. I feel really sad for you OP. I'm sure it just compounds the feeling of having had a shit time beforehand. I would distance yourself. Other friends will know what she's doing and she will come to regret it.

TheCustomaryMethod Mon 30-Jan-17 15:54:57

I'd be hurt that I was the last of all your friends to know about this - she should have talked to you about it first.

I think you should tell her how you're feeling - you are showing this anyway through your behaviour - and nothing is more likely to do further damage to your friendship than having this as a Great Unmentionable. Tell her in as straightforward and unemotional way as possible - if you're to move on from this, it needs to be dealt with and then put aside, rather than it lingering as a toxic issue.

VegoMum Mon 30-Jan-17 15:59:42

Personally I would be distancing myself from her. She could have spoken to you beforehand to see if being a maid of honour would be "too much work" or not...but even so, after all you have gone through, and you being my best friend of 35 years I would be wanting to give you the maid of honour anyway!

I had a friend do something similar, she made her next door neighbour god mother even though I had been her best friend for 12 years! And I had supported her through so many hard times, it was like a knife in the chest. Our friendship remained (until I distanced myself completely) but I never felt the same about her after that.

Yes, you are probably over emotional about this situation because all what you have gone through recently but your reasons for feeling pissed off are valid IMO.

What was she like when you were going through your treatment? Was she a supportive friend?

hoddtastic Mon 30-Jan-17 16:02:55

maybe she thinks you jinxed her first wedding and erm, doesn't want to take the risk again?

third wedding and bridesmaids, sort of cringing on her behalf to be honest.

gamerchick Mon 30-Jan-17 16:03:19

Her reasons sound reasonable confused it all sounds very intense.

Branleuse Mon 30-Jan-17 16:04:54

id be devastated too OP. Hugs xx

OurBlanche Mon 30-Jan-17 16:08:15

I am sorry Nixnoks.. but you post really is all about you... how your life has been, how your life has been to her benefit, gracioulsy allowing her to join your new friendship group, allowed her to have one of your 'besties' for her very own, to even fall for one of your new friends and marry him!

Take a step back... all she seems to have done is thought about how you might react, so she has told you, epxlained why and you have responded by cutting her dead.

Everyone that's found out Found out? it wasn't a secret, it isn't shameful, she is getting married.

which does validate my feelings. Humiliating I think those freinds are not doing you any favours. They are feeding your distress instead of giving you a moment to breath in and reassess what has actually happened.

I've been in too raw an emotional state to talk to her about it. You are Drama Llama'ing her wedding!

She is emotional dramatic and never wants to take critiscm or responsibility for doing anything wrong, which makes it difficult to have a frank and open conversation. So you are very similar characters then?

I asked to meet her last week, but apparently she was 'busy', even after I told her I was in a deep depression I am not surprised she has ignored you... you are sucking the joy out of her wedding preparations.

Regardless of how much flaming I get for this... STOP IT!!!

You are in danger of making yourself very unlikeable, spoiling your friends wedding and making yourself even more sad.

I'd love some advice. Apologise to her for being so bloody grumpy, lie about some fake upset stomach if you have to. Pretend you are excited about her arrangements until it becomes the truth.

Or simply text her and say you are sorry, you can't be bothered!

Your choice! Please choose the first option. It can't be nice for either of you to be at such odds with each other!

Cherylene Mon 30-Jan-17 16:08:17

I would take a step back and do something for you.

You have been through a lot. You need to look after yourself emotionally as well as physically. It would be good to get a bit of space from this and do something nice for yourself.

donajimena Mon 30-Jan-17 16:08:34

I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid for my friend who picked another of our friends. I was hurt but I didn't say anything.
Anyway the bride and bridesmaid had a fallout and have never spoken since. I do occasionally belt out the song 'it should have been me' to tease her if we ever mention the other girl and say 'see should have had me as a bridesmaid grin ' which we laugh about.
You are right to feel hurt but I really can't see how you can mention it.
Trust me I wanted to, I didn't and our friendship lasted. Its worth more than a dress true friendship.

SecondsLeft Mon 30-Jan-17 16:09:03

If you care about her, you need to let her know you are ok with it. Its not a friendship if she has no freedom. She obviously struggled to tell you, and no wonder based on your reaction. She doesn't love you any less just because she has a new husband and a new friend. But she might if you stifle her.

Headofthehive55 Mon 30-Jan-17 16:09:14

Distance yourself. Don't meet. It's too emotional and raw. She will justify herself, you will just be more hurt. Let it be known that you have other friends who you confide in more now and are friendly with. fake it til you make it!

Laiste Mon 30-Jan-17 16:09:28

I'm now meeting her tomorrow night and although I know what I want to say, I'd love some advice.

What is it you want to say tomorrow night OP? Say it right here word for word. It'll do you good and we can encourage you/tweak it/be more help.

Pendrive Mon 30-Jan-17 16:11:50

You've been through a terrible time with your health, and I do wonder if this is maybe making you overreact to this? It might be easier to focus on this, rather than the awful time you've had with cancer.
I can see why you're upset and I would be too, but I would not be in deep depression. If she's been your best friend for 35 years, you must be very special to each other and that's why I think it would be best to accept her decision and move on. It doesn't really change your friendship or who you both are as people. It's only an honorary position at her third wedding.

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