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(65 Posts)
IWantToWinTheLottery Mon 30-Jan-17 10:30:34

I have another post on here and some of the responses have raised more questions surrounding this matter so I thought Id leave another post to get others opinions, just because I'm interested to see what others views on this matter are.
Obviously having sex/sexual contact outside of a monogamous relationship is cheating and since being on mn I've learned about ea but what other actions would you class as cheating /being unfaithful. What do you class as the difference between simply cheating or unacceptable behaviour. For example would you have a problem with you dh/dp watching porn, what the difference between that and cam girls (is it the interactive aspect that then takes it to a different level) Would you be happy with your partner visiting strip clubs/lap dancers, or would it only become unacceptable /cheating if they then paid for a private dance.
Is it that seeking sexual arousal from elsewhere (even if the actual act of sex doesn't occur)is the problem, would this be a deal breaker?

usernumbernonsense Mon 30-Jan-17 10:36:58

For me porn and anything "above" that (ie cam girls, strip clubs, sexting, emotional affair, full sexual affair) would be deal breaker for me. But I make that clear with people I date and I did with my exh.
That is my line and I won't move it. I did in the past and when you move your own line the first time it is a slippery slope and the line is moved so quickly that you wonder how the hell you ended up where you.

Don't know if that makes sense! But that is how I feel

IWantToWinTheLottery Mon 30-Jan-17 10:51:46

Useenumber, I agree with you for the most part, Im not so sure on the porn part (I have no problem with using porn as part of a sexual relationship or while single but that's just my opinion) but then I'm also aware of people that wouldn't have a problem with their oh visiting strip bars (on a stag do for example) personally I would hate it, I would feel betrayed somewhat but I'm not sure why (I don't think that makes sense).

Candlefairy101 Mon 30-Jan-17 10:53:01

I don't mind him watching porn but a cam girl would be too personal for me.

I don't mind if he goes to a strip club but I wouldn't allow a personal dance.

usernumbernonsense Mon 30-Jan-17 11:01:11

Op we all have our own lines. I was just telling you where mine are.

Do you want to talk about why you are asking?

usernumbernonsense Mon 30-Jan-17 11:02:51

This might sound really wanky but I have realised that I love and respect me more than I will anyone else (children aside obviously) so I am happy and confident to set out my lines early on.

IWantToWinTheLottery Mon 30-Jan-17 12:34:02

You don't sound wanky at all, like I said we all have boundaries, that's cool.
The point of my op was because I have posted recently about a related subject and I think my point got lost within the thread, probably didn't make myself as clear as I could've.
There's a good possibility that my dp is going to visit Amsterdam on a lads weekend, red light district, etc. Now while I know he won't sleep with a prostitute I'm pretty sure he may participate in some of the other attractions, adult shows etc and it brought to light some things I hadn't considered as being boundaries prior to this.
Candlefairy what would make you be unhappy about a private dance as opposed to a non private one, is it the additional intimacy?

Bicarb Mon 30-Jan-17 13:43:12

My rule is really simple.

I ask myself if I would be happy for the person I were involved with to watch what was I was doing.

If the answer is no, it's cheating/dishonesty.

Dakota1 Mon 30-Jan-17 14:23:10

Let's be realistic here: if he is a club with his friends and is about to see an adult show, I would be fine. If I found out about anything 'private' involving him and a dancer, then that would be a bit problematic. Private interactions don't happen unless client-initiated and there lies the main issue, if you ask me.

IWantToWinTheLottery Mon 30-Jan-17 14:36:19

But surely they initiate something as by becoming the client as soon as they enter the club/bar, how is him being the only person in the audience any different to him being one in a larger audience, I'm not disagreeing with you poster Im just trying to determine how it stops being acceptable and starts becoming unacceptable.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Jan-17 14:46:47

The line between acceptable/unacceptable is entirely your own to draw

What other people think has no bearing on my opinion.

For example, if my H were to go on a "lad's" holiday to Amsterdam he would not get back in the door on his return. Cam girls/strip club/lap dance the same. Complete deal breakers.

I abhor porn and would prefer him not to use it but I would not end my marriage over it.

Other people probably have me down as a joyless, frigid ball breaker. I give not one tiny shit. If my husband crossed those lines, he is clear what the outcome would be and that is OK with both of us because we both know where we stand.

esk1mo Mon 30-Jan-17 14:53:13

I think using porn is unacceptable especially if you live together, is he using it in another room while you sleep? blush

I agree with what others have said, cam girls/interaction with porn stars/ anything above that is unacceptable to me. as is developing a relationship/deep friendship with another woman - emotional affair? Not really something you would do if you were happy in a relationship.

esk1mo Mon 30-Jan-17 14:56:20

also to add, wouldnt accept my partner going to strip clubs/lapdancing either.

pocketsaviour Mon 30-Jan-17 15:02:58

Having my back is much more important to me than sharing (or not) someone else's bed for an hour or two.

Doing things to undermine my confidence, being controlling, emotional blackmail, unequal division of labour, thoughtlessness - those are relationship enders for me.

Quick bit of sexy time with another person - nah.

IsabellaTrout Mon 30-Jan-17 15:07:59

Totally agree with Bicarb.

On the porn front I am rather strict about that too because of my past experiences, although maybe a little more relaxed than usernumbernonsense. If we were living separately, or I was away for a long period of time I probably would have little to no problem with my partner indulging in a little pornography every now and again.

If we are living together and he is choosing to watch porn over paying me attention, having sex, being intimate then that is a massive problem. Also I hate the thought of finding porn on the computer, infecting it with virus' and malware or for my child to possibly stumble upon it accidentally as a result of my partner accessing it.

And anything further than pornography I would also consider cheating, of course.

HarmlessChap Mon 30-Jan-17 15:24:08

I've only ever seen a stripper once and that was a stripper-gram at a birthday party, she went as far as topless and sprayed squirty cream down his pants, DW thought it was disgusting and vile but went on a girly night out to watch some group of male strippers a few months later because it was "different".

IWantToWinTheLottery Mon 30-Jan-17 17:17:12

Harmless chap that's just hypocrisy, I don't see how your dw can say it's disgusting one way but OK the other. I have seem strippers, back when I was single,

AnyFucker Mon 30-Jan-17 17:27:02

I apply the same rules to male strippers/sex workers too. That goes without saying. Anyone who tries to deny that is, yes, a hypocrite.

Autumnchill Mon 30-Jan-17 17:39:37

Same as Bicarb

FearTheLiving Mon 30-Jan-17 17:46:58

If my husband got his needs met by anyone other than me, sexually or emotionally then I would consider that cheating. So an emotional affair or a sexual one.
Strip clubs and porn are fine to me though.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Jan-17 18:02:19

Are strip clubs not fulfilling a sexual need then ?

FearTheLiving Mon 30-Jan-17 18:03:57

He would only go as part of a stag party not on his own for kicks.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Jan-17 18:08:50

Do the stag party not go for "kicks" ?

Don't get me wrong though, you have your own boundaries and that is fine. I don't think it really works to pretend strip clubs do not provide sexual services though. The women work in the sex industry and strip club punters pay for them to do so.

FearTheLiving Mon 30-Jan-17 18:12:03

From my experience, stag parties are mostly just about embarrassing the stag.

AnyFucker Mon 30-Jan-17 18:17:06

That may be so, but the group are utilising and paying sex workers to do so. Although, IMO, groups of men who egg each other on to accept/perform obscene acts with other women are actually taking part in home erotic sexual display

And of course they get no sexual stimulation from the experience. hmm

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