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Bad marriage turned me into a bad mum??

(20 Posts)
lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 20:28:39

I have been with my parter for 19 years, been married for nearly 11. Over the years we have always had issues, I am quite an emotionally insightful person, thinks before I speak, finds it easy to apologise etc, my husband is more volatile, stubborn, and spiteful when angry. However he is a good man, he is loyal, works hard to provide for his family and tries his best with our children. He has over the years become neglectful and lazy and defensive (which results is major arguing). We have two boys, 5yrs and 2.5years old. We have no sex or sleep in the same room. My youngest sleeps with me(I'm actually quite thankful for that). I do not desire my husband. I feel awful for saying this, but he has put on so much weight on just his belly, he looks 9months pregnant, with a skinny body. He does nothing to try and keep fit. I don't expect a 6 pack, but he isn't even 40 yet. I am not superficial but I think physical attraction is important. He has lost his hair and I'm not bothered in the slightest, because that can't be helped.
Anyway, he always acts tired and is laying down. I also work part time. However I do 100% of the house work, school runs, school work, after school clubs, children parties, food shop, plan the family diary. He has even got that lazy that I find myself clearing up behind him all day every day from picking up his dirty laundry, putting away his dishes/ toiletries after a shave etc. I feel at breaking point. When he comes home, "he's tired". He tired on the weekends, and then short tempered with the boys. He will argue infront of the kids and sat some pretty horrible things. Today he threw our sons empty plastic bowl across the living room infront of my 5year old who was trying to read. Just because my toddler was being abit difficult.
I breakdown and cry to him and tell him that it would be easier if I was dead, and he gets defensive and ends the conversation and walks away. He often doesn't even realise he walks out of the room or picks up his phone when I'm talking to him. He forgets every little thing I tell him. He goes off because he says I nag, but my nagging is just asking him to do his own chores (clearing up after himself). When he's at home, I'm stressed and feel like I'm a bad mum. I'm short tempered with the children or just in my own mind, I feel desperate, frustrated and angry when he's at home and become preoccupied with that feeling. I feel that causes me to neglect my boys. I try and fill my weekends so we are not really at home or at least on our own with the kids. We can't separate, he says all the right thins whenever it comes to that conversation. I know he doesn't mean any of those things too. My boys adore him and would be heart broken if he left. And we can't afford to run two households. I'm stuck sad

tricornel Sun 29-Jan-17 20:41:13

Get thee to CAB. Find out what you would be entitled to, start thinking practical. This relationship is dead in the water, he sounds like a lazy cunt and why the Jeff should you do it all?! What did his last slave die of?!!! There will be a way to manage leaving. Explore your options, seek advice, get your ducks in a row and fuck him off. He sounds entirely feckless! It's no wonder you don't want to shag him!

tricornel Sun 29-Jan-17 20:47:01

Right, sorry, that was my impulsive rage-on-your-behalf reply.

He sounds horrendous, it's no wonder you're in a bad place. Check out entitledto.com, pop over to the CAB, seek a free consultation with a solicitor (some do do it) and try to get a measure of the practicalities of leaving / getting him to leave. There will be a way. Start forming your exit plan. Squirrel away as much as you can in the meantime and don't let on what you're doing. You need to put yourself in a strong position to leave him. You and your DCs will be so much happier without this chain around your necks. Sending hugs and strength x

tricornel Sun 29-Jan-17 20:56:49

And another thing I found helpful having been in a similar situation, is formulating a vision in your mind of how life could look for you - your ideal life. It will keep you focused! Things will be shit for a while, but you'll emerge like a butterfly at the end. But for now, make like a caterpillar and get busy preparing. What's the housing situation? Do you own / rent?

EmilyRosanne Sun 29-Jan-17 21:04:35

You only have one life, I have just left a similar man after a long time together and with DC. You deserve happiness as much as anyone else and your DC are young enough they would adapt and not remember a lot of dad being at home. As far as the cost of running two homes, if you were to leave working part time you would be entitled to help towards renting, and tax credits to bump up your earnings until you are able to go full time. Life is really too short to spend it miserable.

lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 21:21:35

Thanks ladies. I can't actually believe I've let it all out. I have never told a single soul. Despite everything that goes on, he's not a bad person, he just can't it together to put in what is needed to keep the marriage good.
Yes we own our home. I can put money aside, even though he earns a lot more money than me, it is me that controls most of the money. I do all the online banking. His salary comes into our joint account. I feel bad if I swipe money away, as if I'm duping him.
I have had my job for 13years, and have a good job. I went down to part time after my kids, so on pro rata I earn decent money for two days of work. I'm reluctant to give it up. I will never get that if I leave sad and go back later.
He's just so dam lazy and neglectful. I just don't get it? I sometimes wish I was dead, purely due to feeling so lonely and pointless. But I love my boys so couldn't do anything to actually follow through with those thoughts and leave them without a mum.
I wish my husband could just wake up.

lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 21:23:35

I know something needs to change, I guess I just can't face the inevitable.
But what's so interesting is that I have always told myself "am I over reacting?". Reading your comments has actually surprised me..... Are my feelings justified??

EmilyRosanne Sun 29-Jan-17 21:28:30

There are so many threads on here asking if how they feel is okay, whether they can leave although he isn't abusive etc. everyone has their own limits and boundaries and if the way he is treating you is making you unhappy and he's making no attempts to change I don't think you have much of an option. My ex wasn't awful and we generally got on but we were sleeping separately, not having sex, he wouldn't show me any affection towards the end and I was just a glorified housekeeper and one day I just had enough, your DC are watching your relationship and will base that on their future relationships and it was that which ultimately made my decision for me, I couldn't bare the thought of my son treating a wife like that, or my daughter to settle for that.

EmilyRosanne Sun 29-Jan-17 21:29:58

Also please speak to someone in RL about your down thoughts, it sounds like you are depressed and getting treatment will help you get through this, no one would be better off without you.

redexpat Sun 29-Jan-17 21:32:52

Yes your feelings are justified.

However could I ask why is he acting like this? Im not seeing lazy man child which i frequently do. Has he been to a gp? That level of tiredness isnt normal, so either its physical or it could be depression. Has he never cleaned up after himself? Or is this a new development.

tricornel Sun 29-Jan-17 21:43:14

Don't minimise it. What you're feeling is valid. People have left relationships, rightly, for faaaaaar less that you're putting up with. And I bet you, I would actually put real money on this, that once you do manage to get away - a month, a year, two years will go by and you'll actually realise that you were treated badly in ways you hadn't realised were abusive at the time too. Just tiny realisations as you go along. It takes strength - but don't look at climbing the whole mountain - don't look up from the bottom (unless it's constructively imaging what it will feel like to be standing on that peak, on top of the world). You've just got to walk that path to your freedom and happiness one step at a time.

You've already taken the first step, one of the biggest steps too! Seeing things for what they are. And verbalising it, admitting it. Have you got anyone in real life you could talk to, or even show this thread to?

lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 21:57:31

Thankyou. I feel so relieved and emotional reading your comments. I don't really have anyone, we moved a year ago, and although I have made "mummy friends" I wouldn't really trust anyone for it not to turn into playground gossip. But I am used to kinda talking to myself about problems..... I sound like a weirdo now. I think everyone thinks I have it all figured out, I always look happy, look put together, my kids usually behave when we are out, and I've had comments like "you are always sorted" which always makes my heart sink.
Yes I agree my partners tiredness is worrying. I actually said that he should go to the doctors. But he has always been abit like that, we have always joked calling him vertically challenged as he always finds somewhere to sit or lay. He literally leans on anything whenever he is standing! As for tidying up after himself, he's always been that way, but since I have had children and been at home more, it has slowly creeped into literally leaving everything. I was really sick a few weeks ago. Flat out. He looked after the boys completely for a couple of days and let me rest (has literally never happened before). When I finally was able to love around and looks at the house it was beyond a joke. Every single thing that was used was left out. Took me a few days to clean up. But I never said anything, was just grateful I could rest. It's almost like he just doesn't think to pick up his shoes, socks, tissues, clothes, razors or anything because either he just doesn't think (which I don't get?!) or doesn't care about the mess?! But tells our kids to tidy?! I'm dumbfounded. He's not dirty or unkempt, he has quite a good job and maintains his work well. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with him

EmilyRosanne Sun 29-Jan-17 22:04:02

I'm so with you on the mess. My ex would come home, take shoes off and leave them scattered in the hall, socks would be by the sofa, have a drink and leave cups all over the floor. Shave in the bathroom, hair everywhere. It's disrespect knowing that you will go and tidy for him after and when you have DC to tidy after and a job the least he could do is tidy after himself.

lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:20:09

EmilyRosanne..... That's exactly it! Omg you have no idea how much that means to me to hear you say that! He looks at me like I'm being unreasonable, and either says "just leave it then". But then won't do it himself. Or of I say about that I literally do it all for the kids, granted most of it is done whilst he's at work, he just says "well your a mum, that's what mums do". He's just become so thoughtless. He's never been ott romantic, but even this Xmas, I went and got all the kids presents, and wrapped them. (He paid for most to be fair). And the presents for everyone else. On Xmas day i was the only one with nothing because he hadn't bothered to think about me. Me and kids got him a few bits from them, and they asked "what about mummy" and tried to share their things with me. My husband didn't think it was an issue and didn't want to discuss it. He used to really go on about how he loves me, ALOT. And everyone would always comment on how much he loves me, and yes I definitely don't think he has been unfaithful, but there's nothing in what he does to actually show it. But I still think he would be devastated if we split. I have a million reasons to leave. But keep coming back to... "Well he does love me". But then maybe he did? It's not like he ever tells me, or acts it or shows me. I'm so confused. I wish I had left when I felt abit like this before we had children.

Zacsmum40 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:27:38

Are you me? Literally in tears reading this, whilst realising you're describing my life...

lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:38:04

Really Zacsmum40??
I feel like I'm floating away half the time. Nobody really knows what's going on in my life, my husband and are just so disconnected. I'm letting my babies down because i feel so sad, and invisible inside. I'm so lonely, this is first time in so many years that I've been honest with anyone.
My husband calls me bitter and twisted. I guess he's right.... After the birth of my second child, he was amazing during the birth. And afterwards I lost a fair bit of blood. So they kept me in the delivery room for hours to monitor me incase I needed a blood transfusion. But after a while my husband got so pissed off (he wanted to go and celebrate with his friends) and clearly we were ruining his plans. He actually stopped talking to me and waited in the doorway. He eventually have up waiting for the doctors and left. I was sitting in a blood soaked bed, and could really lift my baby. But I just thought you are not ruining this moment for me and let it go. I never said anything to him until months later. I found out he was gambling ALOT and nearly cost is everything. We ended up selling up and moving away. We have since managed to start again and buy a home. And to show me that he doesn't gamble he has given all access to accounts etc to me. I've never told anyone that before

lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:38:56

It's so weird though, because he is actually a normal nice guy, just abit of an idiot sometimes

Zacsmum40 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:55:01

Mine is a workaholic and just sleeps on the sofa or snaps at us all because he's so tired. He cannot see the consequences of his actions at all. When he's on holiday things are so very different, we all laugh all the time, so I keep hanging on in there, but the bad times outweigh the good so much I'm almost done. When I try to talk to him he just rolls his eyes and refuses to engage. What can I do? Can't afford to leave, and he works away so much I don't see why I should tbh. Anyway- sorry to hijack your thread, just a relief to know it's not just me....

BlueFolly Sun 29-Jan-17 23:01:18

it would be easier if I was dead

That's pretty extreme, and frankly it's sounds like you can't stand the bloke.

lovebug77 Sun 29-Jan-17 23:17:37

I know it sounds it even just re reading that comment. I just feel like that sometimes. And today was one of those times. Your probably right. Maybe I've just started not liking him very much.
ZacsMum40..... I get the exact same (I assume) eye roll. It's quote shocked me at how many people have been in this situation?!

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