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(6 Posts)
TheOtherBronteSister Sun 29-Jan-17 20:05:27

Have NCed for this.

Mostly just need to vent, but also get a bit of perspective on the situation.

I feel like with my DP everything I say is a constant battle. Just a small example, this eve before putting DD to bed I noticed that her pyjamas and vest were wet from dribbling. I sighed a bit and said 'This is soaking, I'm going to have to change her', DP comes over and feels and says 'It'll be okay'. I basically said that she needed changing as I didn't want her chest to get cold and for her to get ill again (she was in hospital 2 weeks ago). Inexplicably he then gets a huff on asking me why I've got to make an issue out of everything, etc. V. Taken aback. Yes, maybe I sighed a bit deeply at the prospect of stripping her off again and redressing when I've had her on my own all day, done all meals and nappy changes, etc.

Further to this, I hopped in the shower once DD had gone to bed, and when I came out he was asleep on the sofa. I walked into the kitchen and he asked if I wanted help with anything. I gestured towards the kitchen and laughed (it was a bit of a bomb site post dinner and washing up hadn't been done from last night either). He goes off again asking why I'm causing an argument??? My back is up at this point and I point out that had he finished the washing up last night there would only be 4/5 pots max to wash now and I'd happily do it. But the fact that he didn't made the job a much less appealing prospect. He then spent the best part of 15 minutes arguing that the pots weren't there last night (they certainly were) and the only thing he'd left was a saucepan to soak hmm

For a bit of context, we both work FT. He works shifts and I work Mon-Fri. Often because of his shift pattern I take DD to nursery, pick her up, bathe her, feed her, clean the house, cook, shop and wash clothes. He often has two days off in the week where he has DD, on these days he stretches to breakfast for DD and then will make sure they are out and about for lunch, or put together something I prepared earlier, and I will make dinner when I get home from work. Never has he washed up/cleaned up without being promoted (and it's usually when I am at breaking point like today where I've been ill!). I feel like I spend most of my weekends cleaning and washing rather being able to go out gallivanting with DD.

And this isn't what gets me the most! What irritates me the most is that he will honest to goodness argue the exact opposite of absolutely anything I say. Regardless of whether it's fact or not - just to be contrary. And it makes me feel like I'm going crazy!


RedastheRose Mon 30-Jan-17 00:51:20

Can't really help other than to say that your partner sounds a bit hard work. You are feeling put upon due to him not pulling his weight in the house and with parenting responsibilities and you sound as though you are being passive aggressive with eye rolling and sighs rather than just asking him to step up. Try and have a sensible grown up conversation when you are both calm about why you are frustrated and what he can do to help and also ask him how your behaviour makes him feel and take that on board. If he is willing make a rota for jobs and responsibilities that is fair to you both and see if he steps up. But if n if he refuses to see that you have a legitimate gripe then you may have to think about whether the relationship is working for you.

sammidanis Mon 30-Jan-17 19:47:40

This is a difficult one...tbh you sound very passive aggressive in the way you speak to him. (Sorry to be blunt). Yes he needs to do more, but why not ask him nicely instead?

Isetan Tue 31-Jan-17 14:45:37

You both work f/t but he works shifts, how does his shifts reduce his ability to clean the kitchen/ iron/ fold washing etc (ididnt realise these jobs could only be completed at set times). You've fallen into the trap where he now expects you to clear up after him and anything he does is a favour (I had one of those who needed to be congratulated for occasionally doing the tasks I did every day).

You need to get tough and start expecting that he pulls his weight because you've condoned his laziness by accommodating it. Yes he will be resistant and will work hard to maintain the status quo but you need to stand firm. There are always two sides to a dynamic, don't let yours be the enabler.

Your poor communication with each other is bourne out of your resentment and his want to make you the scapegoat for his laziness. Don't fall for it, passive aggression is a poor way to communicate and gives him an inbuilt bs excuse to avoid his responsibilities.

TheNaze73 Tue 31-Jan-17 17:59:57

Do you always talk to him like that? I couldn't & wouldn't tolerate the passive aggression

cheesydoesit Tue 31-Jan-17 19:51:47

Your poor communication with each other is bourne out of your resentment and his want to make you the scapegoat for his laziness. Don't fall for it, passive aggression is a poor way to communicate and gives him an inbuilt bs excuse to avoid his responsibilities.

I think this is helpful advice. Spot on. It would take me a lot of bloody deep breaths not to be passive aggressive though. He sounds like a right plum.

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