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he cant say sorry for anything

(88 Posts)

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Yorkshirelass2016 Sun 29-Jan-17 18:44:44

Had a bad argument with my partner and now hes left and dont know where he is.

I went to my mums for a day trip ysterday and returned home late last night. I rang my partner before driving home and asked if he wanted me to pick something up for our tea, he said no he would. Got back and found out he had had been out and had food but hadnt got anything for me. I said I would go but he said he would, but he then didnt go for about another hour to pick something up, he returned with a meat dish as a veggie I couldnt eat it. I may have rolled my eyes like he said at the situation as it was now quite late and one of us would have to go out again as he hadnt done any shopping, but thats all, he didnt like me rolling my eyes, even thought I tried to explain I was tired. He then got into an argument with me, saying I was making him feel bad he had tried to do soemthing nice for me. I asked him a few times to stop arguing with me but he wouldnt and kept picking at things. I went upstairs to bed to stop the row without anything to eat, I was upset. Today I woke up angry it felt like he was looking to row with me, I had had a long day and was looking forward to seeig him and as soon as i got home he made me feel rubbish, all I wanted was for him to say sorry to acknowledge my feelings but he wouldnt. He never does, hes so stubborn. He can roll his eyes at me or tell me hes doesnt like this or that. But I cant say anything to him, cant critique him at all, made to feel I have no voice, I have no right to say anything, I cant have an opinion. I know this is a petty argument about a meal, but things like that are important when you have had a long busy week at work. I had been over to see my mum which is 2.5 hrs away and she is elderly so trying to juggle seeing and supporting her with having a relationship and home life. last thng you want to come into is a petty argument, I had asked him if he wanted me to pick something up and he said no he would. But because he had already eaten he made me feel like it was an effort to go out and buy me something. I just dont get it I try to be a good girlfriend to him but I always end up being in the wrong. He smashed up his phone before he left, because I was upset he wouldnt talk to me all I wanted was for him to listen to me and talk to me, but as soon as I went out the room he was chatting to his friends. Felt like his mum, so said why can you talk to them and not me. Anyway he smashed up his phone and now hasnt been back for 6 hours. I feel rubbish that it has led to all this, I didnt want us to argue like this, this isnt the relationship I wanted and dont know how I got here.

Shoxfordian Sun 29-Jan-17 19:17:27

Smashing up his phone is a really bad sign

Also that he makes you feel you can't have an opinion and he's inconsiderate.

Maybe think about how happy you are in this relationship

Afterthestorm Sun 29-Jan-17 19:23:29

What a disgusting excuse for a man. You don't need to put up with being treated like that, I hope you don't for much longer.

Chloe84 Sun 29-Jan-17 19:24:07

It's incredibly selfish of him to only get himself a meal, after saying he would get something for you too. He then got you a meat dish as a passive aggressive way to start a fight with you.

Smashing his phone would be a red flag for me. I would leave before I get tied to him any further.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sun 29-Jan-17 19:48:27

I feel so guilty that I argued with him this morning and he smashed his phone. It's just that he wouldn't talk to me about anything, he wouldn't speak to me. I just wanted him to acknowledge my feelings about how he had acted last night. he said 'he had nothing to say sorry for it was all my fault' I just didn't understand how it was my fault. I had done a round trip of 5 hours whilst also being on go all day, all he said was it wasn't his fault. I wasn't saying it was his fault but I went to my mums to help her, she needed support. But then he isn't there to support me and just do basic things and make me feel happy to be home. I had bourght him a bonsai tree at my mums and rang him when I set off to say I was on my way. I didn't even argue with him when he came home with a meat dish, I just said I would have to get something else, but he got upset and said he would go back to shop but was banging about shutting doors and banging his keys down so said for him not to go I would just have the potato side dish he got on it's own. But then he started rowing with me because I was ungrateful he said why couldn't I pick the meat out. But i was tired from photo on front it was little pieces of pancetta that would be hard to pick out. I stood up to him this morning and probably forced him to leave. I shouldn't have said anything to him he's just smashed up his phone and left and feel upset we live together and he hasn't been back for 8hrs or been in touch. I feel really pathetic that I have ended up in this relationship and this is my life I don't know what's right or wrong behaviour in a relationship anymore.

Hermonie2016 Sun 29-Jan-17 19:54:18

Have you posted about him before?

Not being able to express your unhappiness is a big concern.So is not apologising.Smashing up his phone is also a problem.
This won't be the last time and it will get worse.
My stbxh didn't reveal this side of him for years and then it became the regular cycle.
You end up walking on eggshells as it will be unpredictable.

honeyroar Sun 29-Jan-17 19:56:19

This is wrong behaviour in a relationship! Clear as day. You'd had a long, busy day, he could have been there for you when you got home, he wasn't. He didn't pay any attention to your dietary needs when he (at long last!) shopped for food, he picked fights, he smashed his phone and stormed off. You were right, he should have apologised. You have nothing to feel bad about or guilty about. Be strong. Stop putting up with it.

pocketsaviour Sun 29-Jan-17 19:57:04

Well he sounds like a prize twat.

Do you live together? Do you rent or own, whose name is on the lease/deeds?

How long have you been together?

Do you have DC together?

Greaterexpectations Sun 29-Jan-17 20:01:02

He can roll his eyes at me or tell me hes doesnt like this or that. But I cant say anything to him, cant critique him at all, made to feel I have no voice, I have no right to say anything, I cant have an opinion

You can't live like that, that's not a relationship. So many red flags in what you've written. His behaviour is totally wrong and you shouldn't feel you have to take the blame for it. I would leave as soon as you can.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sun 29-Jan-17 20:13:21

Yes. It is a regular cycle, we went to Italy a few weeks ago. But our house was broken into 2 years ago whilst on holiday so I get anxious when we are going away. I wanted to check and re-check things were switched off and house secure and he started getting upset we would be late to airport so was pretty horrid and drove car early hours of morning really fast to scare me. I was screaming at him to stop but he wouldn't for ages. Then he was in a mood for the first day we were away and hardly spoke to me I didn't know why because I had tried to move on from driving and get on with holiday. I got upset at end of first day and started crying and said why won't you talk to me he said 'he was tired'. I tried to tell him to stop different things but then that caused another row, I can't do right for doing wrong. He can be however he wants with me but if I dare to critique him about anything he gets upset and goes off on one. I own the house he lives with me, I bourght the house after leaving my mum and dad's. They had a bad relationship a lot of violence and arguments,I wanted a home finally and had to get away. my dad died a few years ago so my mum moved back to her home town. I always been going out with someone I think to give me some security and fake confidence. My last partner for 7 years cheated on me most of relationship even though he asked me to marry him, then this partner been with for 5 years. We don't have kids but I have had 2 miscarriages whilst being with him. I don't know what a normal relationship is if I'm honest, I feel like I miss him but I don't know if I do or I'm scared to be alone after everything that has happened. sad I don't know if I can cope on my own however pathetic that sounds but that's how I feel sad

bibbetybobbetybooo Sun 29-Jan-17 20:13:51

Smashing up his phone isn't normal.
I'd end that relationship asap, honey.

bibbetybobbetybooo Sun 29-Jan-17 20:15:28

Just read that it's your house.
Tell him it's over.
Bag up his stuff.
Change the locks.

You DO NOT DESERVE to be treated like that.

Greaterexpectations Sun 29-Jan-17 20:32:53

Missing him is not a sign that you should be with him. I feel like you've just described my ex exactly in the way you couldn't have an opinion, he could say whatever he wanted to you but if you couldn't say anything against him. And the driving is exactly the same, using it to scare you. It's emotional abuse. I left my ex once and had such bad anxiety (which I've never had before) that I gave him another chance which was a huge mistake. He didn't change everything got worse and when I finally did leave he threatened all sorts of things. You'll miss him because of the huge amount of time and emotional energy he takes up in your life. You'll be missing the drama he creates because when you're with someone like that it's all you can think about but given time you'll realise how much happier you can be without him. It's hard but your happiness and emotional health is more important. You've got to end it.

Hermonie2016 Sun 29-Jan-17 20:34:40

Please don't stay.You are worth more.

You are used to his behaviour so it feels reasonably normal. If you had children he is likely to get worse.

Being on your own is just fine, of course you will miss him but after a while you will recognise his behaviour as not normal.Once you are away from him you will feel stronger. You feel weak because you are with him.

I know because my stbxh was similar.I separated a few months ago and today we had to discuss something and because I chose not to completely agree with him he got angry. I feel calmer (as away from him) so I was able to just "observe it rather than absorb it".
I know I don't cause his anger and neither can I fix it.He has issues which he won't acknowledge so chooses to shift the blame on me.

We have dc and otherwise a wonderful life but I know I have to end it as my health would suffer if I stayed.

Please don't assume you have to live like this.If I could show you a future with a man who was able to communicate gently would you stay? If you stay with him you have no chance of a brighter or happier future.

mysteriouscurle Sun 29-Jan-17 21:29:49

Smashing up the phone is awful. And ordering a meat dish for a veggie? He's done that on purpose to make you wrong. Can you call it a day?

redexpat Sun 29-Jan-17 21:40:09

Agree he bought you the meat dish on purpose. And my anxiety levels just went up reading about him driving that fast. You deserve better.

You feel like you wouldnt cope on your own because that is how he has made you feel. Of course you can. In fact you would be much happier on your own.

KatharinaRosalie Sun 29-Jan-17 21:45:56

Of course you can cope on your own. YOu would have one less thing to worry about. Sounded kind of familiar, and oh look: breaks things? Drives too fast? Moody? Blaming you? He's textbook: www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

ILoveDolly Sun 29-Jan-17 22:27:22

Even if he was cross with you or felt like he wished you weren't at your mum's enough, a normal caring boyfriend would have made it possible for you to eat something. This guy is a stone cold twat and you will cope better without him. False dependency is not a good reason to keep him.

Yorkshirelass2016 Sun 29-Jan-17 23:37:05

hes come back, but now hes saying everything i have done he is going to give us his job. But i havent done anything, i feel so bad, just makes me want to say sorry to him I dont want to ruin his life. But then what am I saying sorry for ? to make him feel better so he will stop all this craziness, but i havent done anything wrong. It just really screws with your head.. i have read what everyonee has said and your right, if i was talking to myself i would say the same thing ' dont stay with him' but its so hard when your in a relationship like this to get out of it. he wasnt always this way, it just started gradually and gradually and now i dont see a way out. not that we have kids but that i have no confidence in myself to be alone and to cope. He came in and said that himself and how low i was. Hes banging about upstairs he said hes looking for his employment contract i have tried to talk to him but he wont speak to me. I say sorry to him and make him feel better and its all over untill the next time or i dont and i dont know how he will be with me, i have never gone there never chucked him out. he pushes me to do it, taunts it in front of me daring me to and when i wont makes fun of me that im pathetic. But i genuinely dont know how he would be, i feel really alone. My mum has been through so much i dont want to worry her more telling her everything and telling my friends im worried what they will think of him and me what if i stay with him, how do i carry on the pretence then that everythings good. hes a really good looking guy and has a good job, we go on nice holidays, everyone says how suited we are and it all sounds wonderful i know.. but really its all this.. how can i break all that up.. why dont i just play the game like i always have up to now and tomorrow it will all be alright again. I wish i wassadnt here i really do.

honeyroar Sun 29-Jan-17 23:50:22

You won't feel any more alone without him than you do with him. But you would feel calmer and less stressed, and you would be able to slowly build your confidence up. He's laughing at you, taunting you, he's treating you so badly. You deserve so much more.

HeddaGarbled Mon 30-Jan-17 00:45:16

The man's an idiot. After everything you've done, he's going to give up his job? That doesn't even make sense. Da...da...da....will the crashing about upstairs drama queen find his employment contract? Da....da....da...er.....where's he going to go with it then if audience isn't interested and has stopped saying sorry for not having done anything wrong. Ignore him.

Silverdream Mon 30-Jan-17 06:45:14

Everything you're describing is the signs of being in an abusive relationship.

He makes you feel guilty for his wrong doing.
Shows signs of aggression.
Sets up arguments.
Controlling.
Making you feel like your opinion is not worth anything.
Belittling.

Emotional abuse. Passive aggressive. Psychological abuse. Aggression. Are all highlighted

Please look carefully at what is happening to you.

Think what you'd say to a friend if you saw it happening to her and take that advice and free yourself from it.

Cakingbad Mon 30-Jan-17 06:56:52

When you feel strong enough, tell him the relationship isn't working anymore and ask him to leave.

Your life will be calmer and happier without him. Then maybe you could have some counselling to help you work through the issues from your childhood before you get into a new relationship.

You sound like a kind and thoughtful person OP and you deserve to be with a kind and thoughtful partner.

TheoriginalLEM Mon 30-Jan-17 06:59:03

He bought you a meat dish when i assume he knows you don't eat meat?

Unless that was followed by him slapping his forehead and laughing at his own haplessness. closely followed by him going to buy you something you can eat or treating you to a takeaway then that is a deal breaker right there.

Cakingbad Mon 30-Jan-17 06:59:46

Please tell a friend in real life too so that you have an ally.

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