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Pls help me figure this out

(6 Posts)
Coffeetogopls Sun 29-Jan-17 15:37:56

Hi, long for opinions as I'm no sure what to Make of my situation with my current boyfriend. Sorry it's long.

A bit of background on me, in case it's relevant. I have three children, and my relationship with their father was emotionally abusive. I was never happy but finally left after 15 years of EA. I went on to have two more short lived failed relationships (my children wer never involved or introduce to these men). I Realised I was making poor choices, got counselling and stayed single for a while and focused on me and my children.

Also if it's relevant, I grew up in a happy environment with loving parents who are still happy and together now, so I know what a good relationship 'looks like' and fail to understand how I've made bad choices.

On to now, It's a relatively new relationship (1 year). I can safely say, he is a good guy. He is a full time dad to his child and is responsible, caring and hard working. We have met each other children, spend family days out and both families are happy we have found each other.

He is five years younger. In the beginning when we started dating, I was very honest about what I wanted. I told him that I'm looking to meet someone that I will eventually settle down with, marry, and possibly have a child with. (Although I said I was on the fence about having another child but wanted to have the choice down the line, depending on factors such as finances, my fertility etc.). I said at my age (35) I didn't want to waste time dating someone that didn't want the same things as me. He said he wanted the same. So all has been good and we are a year in.

My issue is, that a few times now he has 'joked' about how he loves his inpendance too much and can't imagine living with someone yet. When I challenge him, he will say 'I'm joking, we will live together one day'. But I actually get the impression he isn't keen.

He is caring, kind and thoughtful. But I'm slowly starting to spot things that I feel is showing his immaturity. He is glued to his phone constantly. Instagram, whatsapp etc. He's not secretive with it, but it's he constant messaging back and fourth with mates regarding football or general lads banter. He has got progressively worse. We only see each other weekends due to distance. I find myself getting bored. When I have his full attention we have such laugh, and can have some deep meaningful chats. But otherwise, I'm literally sat there thinking is this what it's meant to be like just one year in?!

Sex is another issue. Because we always have kids, we have to be discreet. So it's pretty mundane in the sense we are like an old married couple where it's routined, fine, I understand that. But, early stages we'd keep things alive and interesting during the week via text etc. Now he shuns me every time I try and instigate anything through text. I called him out on it and his excuse was pretty shabby.

All in all he shows me love, and mostly makes me happy. He is not a bad person and tells me he loves me and it's the best relationship he has had. But I'm questioning if it's enough for me. Am I settling because he too is my best relationship? Is he really ready to commit long term? My mind is jumbled. Please give me your thoughts.

Thank you

ChicRock Sun 29-Jan-17 15:42:58

After just one year it sounds like you have skipped the honeymoon period and gone straight to the drudgery - routine mundane sex and spending the weekend being ignored while he's on his phone.

This is going nowhere.

Coffeetogopls Sun 29-Jan-17 15:45:03

I thought that too. But thinking with young children, wouldn't that be standard in any relationship I take on????

ChicRock Sun 29-Jan-17 15:47:40

What, being ignored all weekend while he "banters" on his phone with the lads - standard in any relationship? No.

TheNaze73 Sun 29-Jan-17 15:54:53

His life, his choices. If it's not for you, get out

keepingonrunning Sun 29-Jan-17 16:12:52

I think you know the answer. You are having doubts after only 1 year. You know that settling for anyone less than 100% suitable stands a high chance of being another relationship to chalk up to experience sooner or later.
Cut your losses now. Don't sell yourself short.

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