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Not over something that happened 15 years ago

(11 Posts)
Eminybob Sun 29-Jan-17 14:23:51

When I was 20/21 I had a very intense brief relationship with a completely unsuitable man.
It was volatile from the start, we argued a lot, he was very jealous and protective. He actually went to prison for assaulting someone who he perceived was hitting on me and despite everyone in my life telling me it was a bad idea I stayed with him and as we lived in a small place l where his name was known, when he came out we left to start a new life together elsewhere.

As can probably be predicted, he became emotionally and physically abusive as time went on. I was obsessed with him though, I kept taking him back time and time again. He developed a cocaine habit behind my back, his behaviour become worse, he stopped coming home at nights etc. We eventually broke up for good and I found out he had been cheating on me for some time.

I was devasted and moved away from the town we had been living in, but not back to where we were from as I couldn't face that either. I moved to somewhere completely new where I had some family, got through a very dark period of depression, rebuilt my life, got a career, met my wonderful husband, had my amazing DS.

I'm in a really good place in my life, although I do have some periods of depression and suffer from anxiety and related insomnia.

Anyway, It's 15 years down the line and I feel like I'm not fully over it all. I still think about this man a lot, I still feel the pain I felt all those years ago. I have dreams about him from time to time and spend the rest of the next day feeling low. I had one last night and have felt low all day (hence writing this) when I go to my home town where he has subsequently moved back to I still keep half an eye out for him (although I've never seen him since)
I found out years ago he married the woman he cheated on me with, I felt devastated, even though I was happy with my (now) DH.
I can go months without thinking about him and really am happy with my DH so I don't understand why I feel this way.
I really don't want him back, he's an awful person.
Is this normal? What can I do to get past it? I feel like such an idiot.

Christmasnoooooooooooo Sun 29-Jan-17 15:17:03

Have you thought about counciling to get over the feelings .

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 29-Jan-17 15:23:11

It's not about him. Not really. It sounds like you have lots of unresolved feelings about the relationship, how you were treated, who you were then. Counselling would probably really help you unpick it and get some 'closure'.

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 29-Jan-17 15:25:57

Also, if there is a lot of shame there that's another reason your brain might keep fixating on it.

RedastheRose Sun 29-Jan-17 15:26:57

Get some counselling! A good counsellor will be able to work with you and help you to get over the way he treated you and sever the emotional connection you still seem to feel. You will feel so much better if you do that. I went to see a hypnopsychotherapist and she was fantastic.

Eminybob Sun 29-Jan-17 15:30:27

I've never thought about counselling.
I have been offered it for my anxiety but have never really connected the dots and related the 2 things.

picklemepopcorn Sun 29-Jan-17 15:34:22

You may need trauma counselling, perhaps EMDR?

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 29-Jan-17 16:00:20

I have experienced something similar, I was focussing and dwelling on the past and literally obsessing about how unfairly and horribly I'd been treated by someone, it popped up from nowhere and haunted me. I did not admit this to a soul because I was embarrassed that the pain I had experienced twenty years ago, suddenly started plaguing me. I had some counselling and discovered it was not this period in my life that was causing my anxiety it was other things, yet my mind choose to use this as its focus.

Eminybob Sun 29-Jan-17 16:24:14

Its something to think about.
It's funny that although I recognised that I was depressed after we broke up I've never connected my subsequent periods of depression or anxiety with him.
Maybe he 2 are linked, maybe it goes deeper than that, I don't know.
I have always rejected getting coucelling before in favour of medication but it's definitely something I'm going to consider now.

picklemepopcorn Sun 29-Jan-17 18:57:41

I have to say, when I am low my mind always throws up a specific grief I carry. I don't know whether if I recover from it completely it will still happen.

toptoe Sun 29-Jan-17 19:01:39

I'd say he traumatised you in some way and you're still suffering the after affects. Talking therapy may help.

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