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Im Probably Being Unreasonable

(62 Posts)
IWantToWinTheLottery Sun 29-Jan-17 11:15:43

My dp has been acting a little strange, nothing too much to worry about and I'm pretty sure I now know why, I'm fully expecting to be told IBU but I can't help the way I feel.
So this weekend he made a lighthearted joke about going to Amsterdam next weekend. I kept my response casual and then moved on to another subject.
The thing is I'm not happy about it and while I don't believe it's right to tell adults what they can or can't do, I'm not sure I would want to be with him if he went.....hear me out please.
I know he isn't going next weekend I think this is something he and his mate have discussed and he's sounding me out, almost forewarning me lol.
His friend is recently single and if I'm honest a bit of an idiot (but hey that's not my concern he isn't my friend).
This particular friend sends my dp all manner of strange, and quite often derogatory (towards women) almost pornagraphic videos. Stupid 'boy' videos he's found online.
It's not that I think he's a bad influence on my dp per se, I mean my dp is an adult and perfectly capable of choosing to act in an appropriate way, I just think this friend is one of those blokes who wouldnt encourage my dp to do that. You know the type that tells their friends in a relationship oh you're under the thumb or I wouldn't put up with that I'd tell her to do one.
Anyway I have absolutely no problem if my dp wants a boys weekend away, money isn't a problem, he works hard and all in all is a good man whom I trust. What I do feel uncomfortable with is the choice of location, the sex capital of the world lol.
I know he won't sleep with a prostitute, that's not the problem. I would just feel uncomfortable with him doing other things that happen in Amsterdam. The sex shows, the walking through the red light district and seeing women naked in Windows offering their goods. I'm not a prude, my dp has a high sex drive and we share a very open and good sex life but that's just it...we share.
I wouldn't want my dp watching real life women do things with the intention of sexual stimulation. I don't want him being part of an audience of something that arouses him. That's for me to do, that part of our relationship is personal to us.
I know what men are like, if he went away and saw women in bikinis they would look, have a bit of banter and yes he'd like looking but those women wouldn't be doing intimate things with the sole purpose of sexually stimulating their audience, they would just be good looking girls in bikinis.
Like I said I know 100% he wouldn't cheat, but tbh in this situation I know I would feel that the actual act of sex hadn't occurred I would still feel like he had betrayed that part of our relationship.
Some of you may think this is my problem and it's not fair to try and stop him, which I would never dream of doing but I am concerned as to how my feelings about this would effect our relationship.
I have no problem with porn in general, like I said Im pretty open minded with most stuff, but the things that happen in Amsterdam seem different, it's not like having a quick wank to five minutes of porn is it, it's real life, it's an actual woman in front of you doing extremely explicit sexual acts and I just don't agree with that. Opinions please.

Oddsockspissmeoff Sun 29-Jan-17 11:25:10

I wouldn't like it either.

If you trust him let him have a weekend away imo
I think you're over thinking

happypoobum Sun 29-Jan-17 11:29:25

Hmm, well I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone who would get off on watching sex workers.

Either you think he is a "good man" or you don't. You don't seem sure to be honest. He can do whatever he likes, but if it puts you off him knowing that he would be keen on viewing sex workers then YANBU.

Others wouldn't be bothered at all and again, nothing wrong with that. This is your relationship and if you are left feeling your DP isn't the person you thought he was, that can be very disconcerting.

happypoobum Sun 29-Jan-17 11:30:40

Sorry - meant to say, your DP could easily stop his friend sending him porno videos couldn't he? He chooses not to......

Mumandsome78 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:34:33

I'd be unkeen also. I don't blame you. I am sure nothing would happen beyond the casual and 'fast food' level forgettable and meaningless titilation you describe but if that's not cool for you, (and it wouldn't be for me) then make your feelings known and don't feel like a prude or a killjoy for doing so.

IWantToWinTheLottery Sun 29-Jan-17 11:41:52

His friend has always been like that, just doesn't seem to think it's an unusual sual way to act. It doesn't really effect me either way, my dp is pretty honest and he tends to just ignore those messages when he receives them. Intact we often joke about what a twat he is.
I'm not unsure whether he's a good man, I know he is. I also don't think that a trip away with the lads makes him a bad man, I suppose what I'm trying to say is we all have boundaries and I guess that's mine.
I cherish my relationship with my dp, especially the sexual part of our relationship. It's the part of our lives we only share with eachother, Im concerned that I would feel that has been compromised by the things I've explained in my op.
Perhaps IABU and overthinking but that's just the way I feel.

IWantToWinTheLottery Sun 29-Jan-17 11:49:04

I also think the fact that he kind of joked about it has pissed me off. If you're going just tell me don't pretend it's a definite when you actually havent booked it.
I will talk to him about it later the truth of it is, the way he confronted me with it didn't seem 100% upfront and that's not like him at all. I feel as though him and his friend have made this decision (which I'm aware he doesn't need my permission to do) and I'll just be told he's going, I'm finding it difficult to explain how I feel, that's why I posted here before talking to him about it, I need some others perspective and to understand my negativity surrounding this idea before discussing it with him.

BumDNC Sun 29-Jan-17 11:53:50

I get where you are coming from
In this situation also, the chosen location IMO could well be simply to enjoy the red light district or did they choose it to look at the lovely architecture and visit museums?

It's perfectly reasonable to say you don't feel comfortable with your DP going on a holiday with an intent to hang out around sex workers, afterall there are many other countries and locations to be enjoyed in the world or Europe, perhaps once he knows how you feel he would consider choosing another location for his lads holiday

InTheMoodForLove Sun 29-Jan-17 11:57:23

Not sure I get it. You keep on saying you totally trust him and you are certain he is not a prick like his mate, that you are open minded and sexually open, not a prude, do not mind porn and so on, but still feel uneasy. Are you sure you have not been conditioned?
Reading between the lines that you have not so vanilla relationship. Pls Correct me if I am wrong. I wonder if you have actually gone along with you DP sexual ideal and requests more than you would have wanted and felt comfortable with. Otherwise you post doesn't really make much sense to me.

Ohdearducks Sun 29-Jan-17 11:59:34

Well it wouldn't bother me personally but the fact it bothers you does matter. Can you be honest and tell him how uncomfortable it would make you feel? If he can't respect your feelings on the matter it would be a deal breaker for me.

BumDNC Sun 29-Jan-17 12:00:14

I see what OP is saying is that BF probably wants to go on this holiday because it's 'what lads do' and the single mate is a bit of a slime so it will make OP feel a bit degraded to agree to it. I don't see anything more sinister.
I dislike men who go on a holiday with the sole intention to pay to watch naked women do things.

Bluntness100 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:03:50

Well the women aren't naked in the windows, or at least they weren't when ever I've been there, they are in their underwear.

thinking your partner can never get turned on by anyone or anything else, and can never be exposed to anything sexual I think is maybe a little controlling or naive. I'm not sure of the word but hope you know what I mean,

However a trip to amsters does usually involve shagging prostitutes for many men, two men going to a live sex show together seems a little weird to me.

Personally I don't think you can stop him going, and if you trust him, then just let it go. More than likely they will just get stoned and drunk and be stupid.

IWantToWinTheLottery Sun 29-Jan-17 12:06:57

In the mood, definitely not conditioned and I wouldn't say we have a crazy out of this world sex life, very normal compared to some. What I meant was we have a good sex life that is mutually satisfying and in my view enhances our relationship in general. And yes I do trust him but that doesn't mean I feel comfortable with the thought of him sitting in an audience watching two people having sex, or going to a how that is focused around women carrying out sexual acts, or walking down a street watching a naked woman getting herself off.

Bluntness100 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:08:21

You need to pay to go to sex shows. So you can ask him not to.

I don't know what you think Amsterdam is like but you don't walk down the steeet and see naked women getting themselves off.

RockyBird Sun 29-Jan-17 12:09:40

I went to a live sex show in Amsterdam when I was young and stupid (and with an ex who'd done a good job of conditioning me).

It is the least sexy or horny thing I've ever seen.

The acts checking their watches halfway through is the thing I remember most.

RockyBird Sun 29-Jan-17 12:10:28

The red light district is as seedy as you'd imagine it to be but there's no nudity out in the streets.

Bluntness100 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:10:37

That and the women in the windows look bored shitless.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 29-Jan-17 12:15:26

Hmm. I'm guessing you haven't been to Amsterdam. It's an utterly gorgeous city. Delicious dark beers, awesome cheeses, so many nice bars and cafes, not to mention the museums which have some of the best stuff you can see anywhere. Does any of this figure in your view of the city or do you think it's all just half naked women in windows? Cause that's just a small part of the city.

The fact that you think your DP is going to this gorgeous city with no purpose other than to get sexually aroused by (but not doing anything with) sex workers (who have probably been trafficked) tells me that your DP isn't such a wonderful guy after all. He wouldn't take any part in that sort if thing whatsoever if he were a truly good person. He'd tell his loser friend (who he wouldn't actually be friends with anyway) to go by himself.

My DP only went to the red light district in Amsterdam because he got lost. He wasn't impressed, left the area and found civilized bars to enjoy a nice tipple in with friends who aren't sexist. I know this because I was with him. He doesn't feel the need to have "lads weekends" because he's not sexist.

You say you trust him not to cheat but do you trust him not to go to disgusting strip clubs? Get lap dances? How far can he go before it's considered cheating? If you don't trust him to stay away from the whole vile sex industry over there then either issue an ultimatum or find a DP who respects you and women in general.

RockyBird Sun 29-Jan-17 12:16:04

Especially the ones in the cheaper windows away from the centre.

IWantToWinTheLottery Sun 29-Jan-17 12:18:16

Im not controlling, he's an adult he can do as he pleases. Im really independent and I find that quality in my partner quite attractive. I also don't expect my dp to do or not do things based on whether he gets aroused or not, but clearly there are hundreds of other places he could enjoy a lads holiday that don't revolve around sex and prostitution.
The fact that I trust him isn't in question (to the poster who said if I trust him what's the problem) but surely there are some boundaries you don't cross when in a relationship.
I guess Im in the minority here, that's fine, others opinions are always good to have, but what this has helped me realise is that I would have a problem with this, it would make me feel uncomfortable and I don't expect my dp to walk around with blinkers on incase he sees an attractive woman who turns him on but what I do think is unacceptable is him consciously seeking out things that sexually arouse him (real life things not porn) outside of our relationship, I don't think that my feelings on that are 100% unreasonable.

Bluntness100 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:22:20

Rocky bird, yup.

The truth is, unless you get off on looking at bored women sitting on stools in the occasional window in their undies, you pretty much have to specifically pay for anything arousing in Amsterdam. It's also not the done thing to stand and stare at these women for any prolonged period just in case you do get off on it, , some pimp would come out and kick your arse. 😂

They are also just normal women and not mythical super model sex goddesses.

BumDNC Sun 29-Jan-17 12:23:30

I would abssolutely love to go to Amsterdam for all those other reasons. But if he is only going for the sex district, and because 'my mate wants me too...' then that isn't great on him.
Most people I know or have known go there regularly to get stoned. Also something I am uninterested in doing personally

Bluntness100 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:26:35

>>ncase he sees an attractive woman who turns him on but what I do think is unacceptable is him consciously seeking out things that sexually arouse him (real life things not porn) outside of our relationship<<

Well then you don't trust him, because what you're saying is you think he will pay to go to sex shows or pay a sex worker for stimulation i.e. Where he gets to watch via a little booth.

That's different. Simply by going to Amsterdam doesn't mean uour suddenly exposed to naked women right left and chelsea trying to turn you on. You have to specifically go to venues and pay to see that, if you do not trust him to go and not do that, then yes I get your point.

IWantToWinTheLottery Sun 29-Jan-17 12:27:33

No I haven't been to Amsterdam, my ex used to go alot in his single days, mainly to get stoned and sex shows. I know there are lots of beautiful things to see there,architecture and museums etc but I'm pretty sure my bf and his friend aren't going to see 'anne frank house'
Omgk so I'm obviously overreacting with some of my imagined sights of Amsterdam I guess the long and short of it is, I don't feel comfortable with it and I don't think it's appropriate.
I have no issues with a lads weekend away, I'm not sure it makes him sexist to want one as a pp implied, but if it's about having fun with the lads, getting pissed, letting off steam etc etc they don't have to go the sex capital of Europe fgs. I don't want to be a killjoy and I do love and trust my dp but actually this has helped me realise that sex shows, looking at women in underwear like pieces of meat, visiting lap dancing clubs etc isn't something I want my sexual partner to do and it most definitely would effect my feelings towards him.

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