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Has anyone ever managed to get passion and desire back into their relationship after a situation like this?

(38 Posts)
Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:01:44

DH has lost all sexual desire for me. We are mid 30s. He admits it feels "stale" now after ten years married but also that he doesn't think about sex in general for weeks/ months at a time.

It has been 2 months now since we've had sex. This is hard enough for me, but harder is that because he seems to have no sexual feelings at all now, it's been much longer than that since I felt from his actions that he desired me/ felt horny/ whatever you want to call it!

When we do have sex, it's usually because we've spoken about this and I know he hates the way it makes me feel. But I'm not begging for sex and the sex that comes after talks like this is really "sad" sex! I'm begging for a sexual husband who would send a cheeky text, or whisper something in my ear in public or make it clear he really wants me.

I really look after myself, size 6-8, very athletic and no DC so lots of time for health/ fitness/ beauty. So things haven't changed there, if improved since we've gotten older and had more disposable income.

I won't list them all but I have tried so many different things that we've discussed and something might work for a week or so but then we end up back here. He says it upsets him to see how it affects me and he "hasn't lost hope that one day it will come back". I feel like you need to do things to make it come back though otherwise it never will. He says he doesn't want to fake feeling like that because it feels forced. He will NOT go to a doctor to check hormones, general health etc! Flat out refusal every time this is discussed.

I'm writing this because recently I have started to lose some of the desire I feel for him. I hate this :-( I want to fix it all before it's gone in both of us for good!

Any helpful experiences?

Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:02:58

God I hate when people write really long posts and end up scanning over it- sorry! That was me trying to be succinct too. confused

TheNaze73 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:32:51

I think you need to reinvigorate the step before & learn to lust after each other by having the fun together

Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:38:50

Thanks TheNaze. DH actually suggests a lot of things for us to do together and it frustrates me because in my head I'm like "I'm not sure a walk and a coffee is the answer here hmm" (obviously only in my head!) but when you explain it like this, I can see better what he might be trying to do.

Will definitely be more receptive to things like this now. And suggest some other things myself.

KateDaniels2 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:45:57

I think Naze is right.

I have been in the situation your husband is in. It was different because dh was supportive sometimes and an arse other times about it. I felt life was stale and it was sucking the all the fun, passion ect out of me. Then when dh was awful it got worse

Tbh having fun helped us. Going for coffee, lunch out, even going to lazer quest with the kids or bowling, gone jogging or training together.

We have two youngish kids so cant just drop everything and spend our days off just doing things we want. But taking the time out to make sure we do things really helped.

Dh also admitting he was an arse helped. But him also understanding that i needed to be happier outside the bedroom made a huge difference.

scottishdiem Sun 29-Jan-17 11:46:38

Find all the threads where women or men post about how the woman has lost her sexual drive and the various ideas to reinvigorate intimacy and togetherness that doesnt involve sex.

Also, since someone will ask, who does the housework? This is usually the interesting question that men get asked when they post about the DPs not wanting sex.

If you havent been able to see the value in even going for a walk and a coffee then what other ideas have you rejected from him? Have you, as men get accused of here, reduced him to thing to have sex with as opposed to spending time with?

Mumandsome78 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:47:07

I write having been the other side of this. ie the person that avoided intimacy. I still loved my partner but could just not enable this side of our marriage. For me it followed a trauma where he behaved badly and we couldn't or at least, I couldn't, move on from it, sadly. Is it worth having a chat to ask if something triggered this, that could be worked through?

MatildaTheCat Sun 29-Jan-17 11:49:07

The fact that he refuses point blank to discuss this with a doctor would be a major issue for me. You don't say what your normal baseline for sex was but I'm assuming it was regular and fun? So something has changed.

We can't guess what's happening in his head or body but depression can play havoc with libido and some medical conditions as well. Men are much, much worse than women at discussing intimate and embarrassing stuff with their doctors but even so it's not easy.

I think it's ok to say that you've been quite patient and love him dearly but if he won't even try to establish what, if anything is causing this change then you have a big problem with each other. Being slim and fit is a red herring, don't try to find blame with all of that.

He needs to want to get back to normal for anything to change.

Pebbles1989 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:50:47

Does he watch porn? I posted about a similar problem last night and I'm sure my DP's issues are porn related.

noego Sun 29-Jan-17 11:55:30

It's all in the anticipation. Go tantric,

fuzzyfozzy Sun 29-Jan-17 12:12:49

I'm in a similar situation. It's been a long six months of no sex here.
This follows a couple of times that didn't go so well.
I know he's exhausted but I really miss this attention.

Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:16:39

I'm really glad that a few women have posted that have been on the other side, and this was what I was hoping for.

scottishdiem It's very easy for me to be defensive and say Of course I go for coffee etc with him or do things he suggests (and I do!) but do I 100% believe that it will help things in the long term... probably not because it never seems to. Which I'd imagine shows at times in my actions or demeanour. Sometimes I feel like it's just putting a plaster over a bigger wound. I accept it COULD work at some point though and so i could be more committed to the times We are spending time together. And I do everything in the house! LOL :-) I work from home so it's easier that way and gives us more time for other things.

pebbles Definitely no porn. He' s just not interested.

Matilda I would actually like there to have been a "trigger"(although that sounds awful) because it would perhaps give us something to work with. But it seems to be something that has gradually happened.

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 29-Jan-17 12:22:10

I feel a bit like I'm on the Mumsnet Bingo board but... is there any chance that he might be coming to terms with the fact that he might be gay? If he's deeply in the closet then he might not be able to admit to any sexual feelings at all for either gender. Or he may be assexual. Sometimes it takes people a while (into their 30's) to reason this sort of thing out for themselves, because they spend their 20's trying to live up to the 'image' of what people thing they 'should' be.

Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:40:57

zaphod It has crossed my mind of course, but for several reasons I doubt he is gay. It feels more like that side of him has either disappeared or is being repressed or something.

loinnir Sun 29-Jan-17 17:01:04

I know he doesn't want to see the GP but I think you need to have a serious talk and explain that if he is serious about your relationship and wants to save it then he HAS to see the GP to rule out any physical causes. YOu need to follow some sort of plan to reinvigorate things slowly building up to being physically intimate once again (there are websites nad books on this). If you some disposable money you could try seeing a couples therapist who specialises in sex therapy who would help guide you.

If you want children in the future I think his lack of desire is a very big warning flag - you may not get the children or family life you might desire with him. He may have moved you from being "sexual partner" into the "sister/mother" zone in his head as you do all the housekeeping. His life is comfortable, he cares for you so he still wants things to carry on. However, your needs are not being met - how he responds to trying to meet those needs is telling. He may feel -"well I told her I had no sexual desire, so she knows and stays of her own volition" absolving himself of putting in effort to redress the problem.

rosabug Sun 29-Jan-17 17:23:58

this is a hard one. My feeling is if he won't go to the GP it might be because at some level he knows what the problem is. Having suffered through something similar for years, it was a shock to finally find out it was really quite a cliche, he had lost attraction for me. I thought it was some issues he had inherited from his family - issues with intimacy, but really it was more obvious. Not saying this is the case with you, he may well be just frustrated and depressed with other aspects of his life. But he may also be very good at masking/hiding things.........

rosabug Sun 29-Jan-17 17:31:49

Often they might hide the truth, because they fear the end of the relationship, they may even hide it partially from themselves. I think serious sexual problems in a relationship often become quickly intractable and sadly, the bigger an issue it becomes, the deeper set the issue becomes. Living with this type of problem becomes the old slowly boiling lobster in the pot story, you try everything to put it right and the more you try the more invested and low you feel, with no way out. Think about this in the long term - do you want to be 55 (like me) having wasted years on trying to solve or live with this? If you are younger, start thinking about YOUR future now.

pocketsaviour Sun 29-Jan-17 17:49:05

If he isn't bothered about sex and he won't see the GP, surely he's fine with you having a FWB?

Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 18:30:23

rosabug Unfortunately I think you're dead on. :-(

Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 18:31:53

pocketsaviour Its not just the sex I miss though. It's that deep intimate connection with a spouse. Knowing they desire you every day because of their actions and words. Maybe it's too much to ask for after ten years of marriage?! But I'm only 36 and as rosabug said, cannot envisage another ten let alone twenty years of this.

Stanley38 Sun 29-Jan-17 18:34:35

loinir Children probably aren't an option for us, mainly due to some reproductive issues I have (medical professionals think anyway). I'm not overly fussed now, tbh. But I would like a full life in other ways though!

The sister/mother comment is very relevant and I do feel like this sometimes. He says I do everything for him. And I see that I do. But honestly we would be in such a mess if I didn't. Sometimes I leave certain things on purpose to see how long it'll go or how bad it'll get and it is not pretty!

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 30-Jan-17 12:38:12

Stanley... you do everything for him? Why? Is he particularly inept? Or does he (Mumsnet Bingo alert) have any kind of learning difficulties/ASD? (I ask because my XH did, and he behaved similarly in a lot of ways). So he does NOTHING for you at all (no cuddles, no intimacy) and you are knocking yourself out doing all his admin etc?

Does he have problems with facing up to life in general?

AnyFucker Mon 30-Jan-17 12:43:54

Are you completely sure he isn't having an affair ?

It wouldn't be the first time someone withdraws sexually from their spouse so that a) they can legitimately say they no longer have sex with their OH and b) don't feel guilty about "cheating" on the affair partner

thenewaveragebear1983 Mon 30-Jan-17 12:52:24

My dh is just not as interested as me, suffers more from the stress of work and uses that as an excuse. We had a frank discussion where we looked at a couple we know who have fallen out of love, and considered the fact that a few years ago, they were probably like us- got on well, lovely home, young kids, and probably didn't show each other enough love. That's how some relationships die. We've been making more of an effort lately and things have slowly improved.

Stanley38 Mon 30-Jan-17 21:13:26

zaphod There are loads of cuddles, kisses, holding hands, snuggling on the couch etc... it just feels very platonic :-(

I do everything around the house because he is lazy. blush That's the truth. :-( It would never ever get done. However, I accept it IS easier for me to do it because I work from home. Seems a bit daft to leave things for him to do later in the evening when I can quickly run a hoover round or whatever on a lunch/ coffee break.

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