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Would you end your relationship if you absolutely hated your mil?

(23 Posts)
PineapplePunch Sun 29-Jan-17 10:09:55

Just that really. I've had 7 years of rude comments most recently telling my newborn he looks like me and nothing like his dad and that she has told her friends she needs to get a dna test. (All said like all the other offensive and bordering racist comments).

Dp has said I am sensitive and his family like to make jokes. He has started speaking to his mum after the comments but too little to late. I don't want her around my baby and her very presence makes me angry. It is my partners mother and my baby's grandmother but I dont want to be around her.

She has said many things which I have tried to ignore but the most recent whilst pregnant was not talking to me for months as I refusEd a wedding in her religion and also telling me if I don't give her son attention after having the baby he will probably go off and cheat.

If I say to my partner that I can no longer be around his mum it will cause issues which I can understand?

PineapplePunch Sun 29-Jan-17 10:12:52

She is going to want us to go to her and her families house for dinners and meet ups.
Dp will get upset if I don't go hmm. He can't take the baby without me as I am breastfeeding but also I don't trust his mum. I believe she will try to force her religion on the baby, talk about circumcision etc.

happypoobum Sun 29-Jan-17 10:15:12

No I wouldn't end a relationship if I hated my MIL, but I would end a relationship if my DP allowed his mother to treat me like shit.

You don't have a MIL problem, you have a DP problem.

PineapplePunch Sun 29-Jan-17 10:24:04

He claims he doesn't hear anything rude. He claims his mum is inappropriate and that's just how she is sometimes.
He claims I am sensitive and take things to seriously.
He thinks I should put up with perceived comments sometimes as it's his mum.

Emberroo Sun 29-Jan-17 10:29:21

I did.

It wasn't the only reason but was a huge contributing factor. He didn't stick up for us, his family, against the vile, narcissistic, moaning, selfish, manipulative, superficial, judgemental, bigoted, homophobic, show off, one upmanship loving, hate-filled reptile of a witch though.

My life is much better without them.

PineapplePunch Sun 29-Jan-17 10:30:49

Emberoo how long did your relationship last and what was his personality like?

Lilaclily Sun 29-Jan-17 10:31:44

So your dp thinks it's okay for his family to make racist comments because it's just a joke?

I'm sorry op, you've had a baby with a idiot sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 29-Jan-17 10:35:50

If his mother cannot be respectful to you then you should not see her at all. Nor should your son; it will do him no favours at all in the long run to keep on hearing his parents being so disrespected. This woman has also made allegations about the parentage of your child (what does your man say about that?) and you've had seven years of disparaging and toxic comments from her as well. You are not being too sensitive here and your man insults you by saying that to you as well. His family of origin are bullying you and he masks that as joking behaviours.

Where is your own line in the sand here?. I would carefully consider whether your relationship with your man has any future in it at all really because it looks like he is going to put his own family of origin first.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, his mother is no different.

Your man is also as much a problem here as his family of origin are because clearly he cannot and will not stand up for his own family. His own inertia when it comes to his family hurts him as much as you. He may never be ever able to stand up for his own self because he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to his mother. She has made him this way.

I would read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as this could help you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 29-Jan-17 10:39:58

Pineapple,

re your comment:-
"He claims he doesn't hear anything rude. He claims his mum is inappropriate and that's just how she is sometimes.
He claims I am sensitive and take things to seriously.
He thinks I should put up with perceived comments sometimes as it's his mum"

More excuses from a mouse of a man. He knows no different because he was raised in such a dysfunctional household.

He is just as bad as his own mother is. He is simply continuing the familial dysfunction that was brought down upon him as a child. He probably also reverts to child like mode in her presence because he is so afraid of her.

He will not change; this is deeply ingrained within him and he may never want to face up to the fact that his mother has always been abusive towards him.

Only you can help your own self here and at the very least you need to shore up your own too low boundaries.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 29-Jan-17 10:41:38

In the long term though, if you split up she will have access to your DC without you being there. Not saying don't leave, as it sounds awful and not something you should put up with. Just saying you won't have a say on what your (ex) P does on his time. Do you think you can talk to him about all of this, and try to get him to realise the magnitude of it? He needs to be much more supportive.

PineapplePunch Sun 29-Jan-17 10:44:55

Oh she's not abusive to him. Her kids are her life. I'm not good enough.

But yes he's a mouse and doesn't want to rock the boat.

She can't have access without me as I'm breastfeeding?
Just got engaged and bought a house sad

Madbengalmum Sun 29-Jan-17 10:49:20

I had a hideous excuse for a mil who i am now NC with and so is my DH, she was a cow to him hs whole life, but until i came along he had normalised it. We are both so much better for going NC.

If your OH wont do anything about it then he really doesnt think that much of you. For me he would have to choose, I couldn't deal with someone treating me like that. Sorry.

ImpetuousBride Sun 29-Jan-17 10:57:33

I won't care if she's meant it as a joke if it upsets you she shouldn't be making such comments at all. You need to explain to DP that you can't be insensitive to vile/rude words and her behaviour is unacceptable. Simple as that. Either his mother learns to bite her tongue and treat you nicely or stop seeing her.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 29-Jan-17 11:00:30

Pineapple,

re your comment:-
"Oh she's not abusive to him. Her kids are her life. I'm not good enough.

She is abusive to him because she is continually disparaging his choice of you as his partner. He continues to put her first because he is so very afraid of her; he would also rather see you and your child take the hits from her.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin themselves did that to her.

You do not mention his dad in all this; is he still around?.

Re your comment:-
"But yes he's a mouse and doesn't want to rock the boat".

He won't change so what will you do?. He being like this will ensure he will only protect his own self interest in the long run because he does not want to ever face his mother's wrath. He has been emotionally damaged by his mother.

"She can't have access without me as I'm breastfeeding?
Just got engaged and bought a house"

If you and DP do split up you are going to have to formalise all access arrangements going forward. His mother is not an emotionally healthy person at all to be around. Marriage to him is not going to change the overall dysfunctional dynamic; these types of issues do not go away.

Britannialia Sun 29-Jan-17 11:02:51

Yes I would - but probably not if I had children with said partner with the MIL.

I think the wider family relations are so important that it would stop me from marrying someone in the first place.

In any situation like this there is no point complaining about DH/OH putting you first or being more supportive or being a mouse. A person's mother has raised them and cared for them their whole life; normally that equals strong love, commitment and tolerance. A wife and a family normally equals strong love, commitment and tolerance.

Someone in the mild of a spouse/in law division is totally conflicted and will be struggling to manage their own hurt and issues that both don't get a long. It's not realistic to expect much effective help from someone caught in the middle in any situation.

If you have children OP I think you have to tough it out - sounds cruel but she won't be alive for ever and you would probably regret leaving if that's the only issue in your marriage.

Emberroo Sun 29-Jan-17 11:08:29

Pineapple we were together for 7 years. He is controlled by his mother, I'm surprised our relationship lasted that long. He seems fearful of her, I imagine she was very manipulative when he was younger. I don't know how he'll fare when she's not around anymore.

I couldn't take him not standing up to her when she was absolutely in the wrong, cruel even. I lost respect for him. I now see him as mollycoddled and a bit pathetic, if I'm honest.

I can't be with someone I have no respect for.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 29-Jan-17 11:11:05

"Someone in the mild of a spouse/in law division is totally conflicted and will be struggling to manage their own hurt and issues that both don't get a long. It's not realistic to expect much effective help from someone caught in the middle in any situation"

This is not just a spouse/in law division however; OPs man's family is very dysfunctional. People like his mother who are disordered of thinking act like this. I doubt very much that his mother is thinking she is doing anything wrong here at all.

I would agree with your second sentence; he basically wants them to all get along so he does not have to deal with it. He cannot and does not want to deal with this because its all too much for him to cope with so he does not do anything. His own inertia re his family of origin kicks in but that hurts him as much as his partner. What he also forgets here is that his primary loyalty should now be to his partner, not his mother. His mother still demands complete loyalty and submission from him. She would have acted the same regardless of whom he had a relationship with; no-one is really good enough for her "darling boy".

She does not have to tough it out going forward either; I think seven years of such comments from his mother is more than enough. No-one should put up with this from any relative.

llangennith Sun 29-Jan-17 11:19:56

You can't allow your life to be made miserable by her. Tell you DP you're seriously considering separating from him because you're not prepared to put up with his mother's rudeness. He's so used to her that he sees it as just the way she is. That really is no excuse.
Maybe the threat of losing you and his child will make him man up and tell her not to be rude each and every time she criticises you.
Don't let your MIL or your OH spoil your life.

PineapplePunch Sun 29-Jan-17 11:25:08

Thank you. Alot of this has resonated.
I just told him I'm not prepared to be around his mum any more due to her rude comments. He said what comments!
I said you know all the comments she just said last week about the dna test. He said she was joking I know my mum.

I said I don't care this is the situation. I understand it's your mum but I am prepared for whatever happens. He is now silent.

SandyY2K Sun 29-Jan-17 11:26:34

I would if my partner couldn't tell his mother to stop it and if he tried to normalise it.

I would be worried about her influence on my child, but if I stayed, I'd start resenting my partner for not doing anything about it.

In your situation, I would not attend family events and I really wouldn't care if my partner liked it or not. If he hasn't got the guts to stand up to her, then tough.

I'd also think very carefully about marrying into such a family TBH. In fact with the current problems, I definitely wouldn't marry him. If he's unable to see that her comment about doing a DNA test was bang out of order, then I don't think we'd have much left between us.

I'd actively look at leaving the relationship and moving far away from your MIL, so that she has as little opportunity to see your DH as possible.

I honestly don't know where all these horrible MILs come from. I think so many of them are jealous of the relationship their DS has with their partners, because it's nothing like they had.

schlong Sun 29-Jan-17 11:50:10

Op I'm sorry you've found out the hard way the father of your child is a spineless, bully enabling, weak excuse of a man. I've been in your boat and in the end I had to confront the toxic mil which ended in her making him choose and when he vacillated she disowned him right there. Quick as a flash. We're still dealing with the fall out and tbh my absolute certainty that he'd never have stuck up for me or our baby ds at the time and left me to do the dirty work has destroyed any respect I had for him. Even though she's nominally out of his life this casts a shadow over us and was the biggest red flag of many. In short, the father of your child will carry on letting you down over this and other issues. Don't be hurt and disappointed for the rest of your life.

LemonSqueezy0 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:30:09

You might be breastfeeding now but you've got to realise that your husband can go to court to get formal access and if it comes to it they'll say you'll have to express milk. I'm not trying to be harsh, just pointing out that you'll be leaving your child at the mercy of that woman if you leave. Your husband can also go to court to stop you moving, and they'll possibly stop you or say you are responsible for all expenses related to him having contact. You need to think of all angles.

Skooba Sun 29-Jan-17 12:40:02

What you could do but prob won't is be ready for a comment and when she says something respond loudly ' that is extremely rude' , 'you are an extremely rude person', 'I'm not listening to this unpleasantness' - whatever- but if you don't allow everyone to gloss over her comments, true you might be branded the volatile, neurotic DW of her DS, but also others will feel uncomfortable, and DMIL should too. So once her behaviour results in everyone feeling uncomfortable she might be forced to stop, or risk being branded nasty to her DDIL.
I spent my life not rocking the boat (but quietly seething, or upset) and worrying about being seen always as the 'nice, reasonable' person. IT's amazing how the dynamics change when you do start rocking it.Raise your voice a bit OP.

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