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Really need help should we seek councelling?

(9 Posts)
Lighteningstrikes85 Sun 29-Jan-17 09:01:35

Sorry if I've spelt councelling wrong blush

Dh and I have been together 8 years 1 dc

I'm going to get straight into it and try not to drip feed etc
I grew up in a house where my parents constantly argued and shouted at each other and I swore I didn't want that for my kids. Dh is usually a mild mannered calm guy. Very reasonable and all who know him love him however there is another side to him. Occasional when he has a drink he becomes a different person. He starts arguments, calls me names eg idiot/joke/selfish/slut on one occasion. These usually come out of nowhere or following something he deems a misdemeanour when out eg on one occasion he accused me of moving the bed confused and when I denied this was the case and the bed was in the same place it always is he started to become agressive. He never shouts but lowers his voice to almost a growl and is sharp and intimidating often getting within my personal space and flapping his hands about.
Last night he returned from a night out and I was still up watching a movie (mistake 1) he tells me he wants to go on a trip with his friends over easter and wants to talk to me about it. I should have said ok in the morning (I was sober. Should have said wait till tomorrow then. Mistake 2)
He wants to go away for 4 nights over easter and I said I wasn't happy with this and it's too long to leave me with dc who will be nearly 2 at proposed time of the trip. I asked if there was any compromise and it decended into him becoming argumentative calling me selfish stomping around. I cried and he said I was overly dramatic.

He apologises and I said I don't want an apology I want to know if you'll try and do something to change this aspect of yourself and he said No you just need to accept it.
I don't know what to do basically.
I feel this behaviour is EA and verbal abuse but he thinks because he's never hit me or raised his hand to me im dramatic
Please help. I've asked him to initiate couples councilling but I doubt he will look into it because he thinks sorry is enough
Thanks for listeninb

Arcadia Sun 29-Jan-17 09:06:45

This being Mumsnet plenty of people will come on and say LTB. It is abusive behaviour however if it is limited to occasions when he has been drinking and these are rare, then you need to tackle that with him when he is calm/sober. If he is not willing to address it or accept how it effects you then I cannot see that he is the man that you described at the beginning of your post.

Lighteningstrikes85 Sun 29-Jan-17 09:08:27

I'm prepared for the LTB responses... sorry I really didn't want to drip feed I did say to him last night if he's not willing to change I am seeking divorce. This morning he's said sorry and I've just ignored it really

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 29-Jan-17 09:11:36

The only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Its a non starter in such cases and no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together.

Counselling for your own self would be helpful though; why have you accepted this from him to date?. I would think your own childhood has played a huge role here (after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents) and that needs to be addressed as well. Look at what you yourself learnt about relationships when growing up; this man is verbally abusive when drunk. He is showing and telling you who he really is.

You do not have to accept this from him; this is not your lot in life. Is this what you want to teach your child about relationships, this frankly awful sounding model of one?. Verbal abuse leaves emotional scars that take an awful long time to heal. They do not have to hit you to hurt you and its not a massive leap from him being verbally abusive to becoming physically abusive towards you either.

Talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 would be of benefit to you as well.

Lighteningstrikes85 Sun 29-Jan-17 09:13:43

Thank you so much attila he makes me feel like I'm over reacting and I'm overly dramatic. Your right about councilling. I will call women's aid

LiveLifeWithPassion Sun 29-Jan-17 09:15:02

He shouldn't drink at all if that's what he gets like. Does he understand this?
If he won't stop drinking then you know what you need to do.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 29-Jan-17 09:15:04

He's not sorry at all really.

He's already told you that you're going to have to accept this from him. No on all counts.

DownTownAbbey Sun 29-Jan-17 09:36:44

I used to share a student house with a lovely, soft spoken guy who turned into an arse hole when drunk. I could never look at him the same way after I'd seen his 'true ' self. If he thinks you need to accept this drunken persona (i.e. He's not ashamed of himself) then that's who he really is with his guard down.

Lighteningstrikes85 Sun 29-Jan-17 09:45:27

Thanks everyone so far you have given me a bit more strength
Like some of you have said this is a "true" depiction of himself when drunk. He thinks because he's a "nice guy" 99% of the time I should overlook when he's an arse hole and basically be grateful he's not like that all the time hmm if he can't see my point of view or accept it's wrong and he needs to change there isn't any point in carrying on is there

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