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'D'H has gone over the top! (May trigger later if post details)

(368 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

MopedManiac Sun 29-Jan-17 08:07:33

Hi. Sorry for quick post - need answers fast. Suffice to say DH (of 21 years) is sexually abusing me for the past 6 days. Am putting in play to get out.
Getting all my paperwork (passports, birth certs etc for me n kids) - what of his do i need copies of?

He is on busniness trip 3 days next week - is this too soon to yrt ans get out, logistically or do i need more time and wait for another opportunity?

Theme song: titanium!!

Fidelia Sun 29-Jan-17 08:25:29

Do you feel able to phone the police while he's out, and ask for help? You can get a non-molestation order and an occupation order from the court to keep him away from the house.

MopedManiac Sun 29-Jan-17 08:29:03

Phew that was close. Just managed to close private browser on my phone before he came in the kitchen.

Right. So. Deep breath.
Some background for perspective. Married 21 years with 2 DC (13 son & 11.5 Dd). Things havent been good between us for a long time. Grumpy H (can't call him 'D' H any more), critisising, sacastic (the only times i heard terms of endearment were dripping with sarcasm), much alcohol consumption (but no hint of violence). Me increasingly PA, rolling of eyes behind his back, secretive and withdrawn (I am fully aware I'm not a saint in this either).

Anyway, long story short: my lies about our financial situation were exposed on Monday night. Big row, he was understandably angry. Oh, god not sure I'm ready to write down what he's become in the last week. I'm okay. Coz i known I'm stronger than him (hence Titanium stuck on a loop in my head).

I swing between elation that i'm going to be rid of him, panic attacks in the kitchen when i think my heart is going to explode in my chest and wondering how im going to survive this. I just want it all to be over.

Plan for the moment is to go into work and see if i can get some stress leave. Get all my docs together.


Can i just take my kids or do i need solicitotr court order 1st?

How to get a solicitor without arrousung suspicion re payments from bank accoutn?

Joint lease - if i leave am i still liable for half? All if he doesnt pay?

Need some advice ladies.
Not. Going. To. Cry. Anymore.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for spelling mistakes. Not going to read back and edit.... too painful.

MopedManiac Sun 29-Jan-17 08:30:09

How does that work Fidelia?

glenthebattleostrich Sun 29-Jan-17 08:32:12

Can you call women's aid when he's not there or from work?

Happyelves Sun 29-Jan-17 08:35:49

I went. I took my lo, but I called the police later so he couldn't say I ran off w lo. I would strongly recommend calling police before you go. Do it when he is away as a lot safer. No you don't have to pay for joint lease. I went to council and I think they took details of who was renting from for me but I think police can probably do this for you. Good luck

Gallavich Sun 29-Jan-17 08:36:12

Are you in the U.K.?
Yes you can take the kids without a court order. However if you leave the house you may not get back in it. That doesn't mean you won't get a share of it but if you want to keep the house then you need to get him out.
If he's sexually harmed you then he has committed a crime and you can report it to the police. Ideally they would arrest him and bail him to a different address but they may not press charges so this could buy you some time, but not indefinite. You would need to get to a solicitor in the meantime and discuss getting an order to keep him out.

MollyHuaCha Sun 29-Jan-17 08:36:41

No advice here. Just a hand to hold at this difficult time. Writing things down on here will hopefully help you to see things clearly and make good decisions.

Gallavich Sun 29-Jan-17 08:37:23

When you say joint lease do you mean mortgage or rented? Unfortunately you are liable to pay any contract you are named on until agreement is in place that you aren't.

MopedManiac Sun 29-Jan-17 08:37:31

That was also in my plan thanks ostrich. My fear was that if i phoned there'd be no-one to answer and would get a callback at awkward time - tbh i have no idea how im going to walk into work without falling in a heap. It is such a safe supportive place. And then im like 'fuck him, im gonna tell the world!'.

The irony that my mum is a DV councillor is not lost on me...

Ledkr Sun 29-Jan-17 08:39:03

Second women's aid.
Can you call from work or when you take kids to school? Drs appointment? Visiting mum? Shopping?
To be honest if it's escalated to sexual abuse over such a short period of time, I'd be concerned as to the risk factor for you.
Sorry this is happening, keep posting so we can support you.

MopedManiac Sun 29-Jan-17 08:40:58

Thx. Playing happy families at the moment. Just keeping things smooth.

Deep breaths. Deep breths....

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sun 29-Jan-17 08:41:52

Well can't you talk to her?

Poorlybabysickday Sun 29-Jan-17 08:41:58

Is this sudden abuse, or has it been going on a long while? flowers

Fidelia Sun 29-Jan-17 08:42:06

I haven't done it myself, but know others who have. Apparently you go to the court and ask them to help you with the relevant forms. But you need to have reported to the police/seen your GP first, really, or he'll claim you've made it up.

Joint lease, you're both liable for the joint lease, and if you leave, you'll have made yourself intentionally homeless, so if you can (and can afford the rent) it's better to get him to leave.

You don't need a court order to take the dc, but he is equally able to collect them from school and keep them, so be aware of that.

Women's Aid is a great idea, but please get him to go out for something, and phone 101 for help.

Oh, and make sure you clear your google browsing history too.

tipsytrifle Sun 29-Jan-17 08:43:22

Do you have somewhere to go to, friends or family? Taking the opportunity to leave while he's away in the week would be a golden opportunity to be seized. You might be able to organise removal of any stuff that's precious to you or needed for a new start-up. This might depend on storage though.

Others will be along in a while to suggest what paperwork you should take if you possibly can. Do you have access to money and bank a/c?

Whose name is the home in? Do dc live at home and would they be coming with you or are they grown up and independent? You should also talk with the police about his sustained abuse. Presumably this last week has been the most extended event but he true to his usual treatment of you? Has he been abusive like this all your married life?

What an awful awful experience, I'm sorry you're going through hell atm. Sounds like this is your "enough is beyond enough" moment though.

tipsytrifle Sun 29-Jan-17 08:44:37

sorry, missed updates while typing ... will catch up

MopedManiac Sun 29-Jan-17 08:49:48

We're on lease which i probably cant affird on my own. Though it is due today so id have a minth paid from joint funds.

Fidelia Sun 29-Jan-17 09:31:10

Would you qualify for housing benefit?

Carollocking Sun 29-Jan-17 09:37:56

Stop the monthly payment and keep it so u have money yourself to set yourself up

MopedManiac Sun 29-Jan-17 09:42:42

I dont know. I take home £1900 per month. No idea what im entitled to.

Thing is the financial stuff has always been up to me. The savings accounts are in my name! He really hasnt thought this through!

Fucking moron.

Can i take the savings or is it 'family money?

Fidelia Sun 29-Jan-17 09:42:47

Carollocking - That's not good advice. Firstly, her H would probably notice, so it's not a safe thing to do. Secondly, she's either going to need to stay renting that house, or to get the LL to release her from the contract.....The LL is unlikely to be agreeable if they've skipped a rental payment.

Fidelia Sun 29-Jan-17 09:44:09

You can take half of the savings, because half is yours, half is his.

Carollocking Sun 29-Jan-17 09:46:11

U may not agree but I'd take all money totally before get rid as no way u get after.
Yes wait till day he's gone to do so,but my suggestion yes if want keep rent house pay rent if don't want to and don't feel safe and will need move don't pay as he won't find out immediately and youll no longer be together by time he does

Fidelia Sun 29-Jan-17 09:46:50

OP - You need to check whether you'd get tax credits. you may well earn too much for housing benefit, but it's worth finding out. Do you claim child benefit already? If not, start the claim on Monday.

I have to say though, unless your rent is extortionate, if you qualify for tax credits (which will also help with childcare costs), you'll be fine. Things might be tight, but fine.

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