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Don't really know what to do...

(11 Posts)
Aufish Sun 25-Feb-07 22:53:50

I'm in a difficult situation at the moment and need to talk it over with somebody who doesn't know me. In the last week I have found my dad and family and everything is going well, but I am all over the place emotionally. Well, today I had a friend over who is having an affair with 2 men behind her husband's back and it came to ahead today as far as my partner and herself was concerned and they had a huge row and she stormed off. The problem that he has is that she has asked us to lie to our kids to protect her children from the fact that she is seeing one of her bits on the side and we are no longer happy to do this. I know that it did need to be said, but she is the only other person that I can speak to as far as my life is going at the moment as all my other friends live so far away from me. I just feel so alone at the moment and I want to say to my friend that I want to be friends with her, just leave me out of the affairs. I just feel like crying as I need a friend to get me through this and not just my dear partner.

cremolafoam Sun 25-Feb-07 22:59:57

aufish you did\ the right thing. your loyalty is to your children 1st.

sorry what do you mean about finding your dad?

kiminutter Sun 25-Feb-07 23:04:19

Hi Aufish, I think your friend is being very selfish - WHY should you lie for her?? Hopefully she will come to her senses soon. Im so glad things are going well with your dad though!

NurseyJo Sun 25-Feb-07 23:10:45

Message withdrawn

Chandra Sun 25-Feb-07 23:11:48

I don't think you should lie for her but I can't see any benefit either on your children knowing about her affairs.

I wouldn't lie for her but I would choose not to talk about it, particularly when innocent children may be the ones to suffer for the reckless behaviour of the mother.

Aufish Sun 25-Feb-07 23:17:45

Basically I haven't had contact with my dad for 26 years and after many, many years of searching I found him last week and sent him a letter and I finally met him yesterday for the first time since I was 6 years old. So I am highly, highly emotionally, just all over the place at the moment. I am just in need of somebody who will say everything will be ok and I will get through this time and it will settle down and get a bit more normal. I'm so elated at the fact that I have found him but just don't now know how to deal with everything that comes with a brother and dad that adores you and are abit intense with their feelings.

cremolafoam Sun 25-Feb-07 23:22:08

aufish - not a bit of wonder you feel wobbly.This is a huge thing you have done- and how wonderful as well.
the last thing you need right now is to be covering up for someone else.some friends can be really draining - i hope this girl is being supportive to you in other ways.
big things like this need time to settle in and get used to.no wonder you feel like crying. the relief must be huge.
i really do think everything will be al right for you.i would try and avoid needy friends for a while if you can and focus on your own needs. it's not selfish it's necessary.
thinking of you

kiminutter Sun 25-Feb-07 23:34:52

Aufish, i'm sure it will get better! Its 6 months now since I met my dad. Sometimes it does feel awkward, we havent discussed the 'underlying issues' (I still don't know why he didn't keep in touch), and I cried every night for about a month! Things have settled down now though, and although my 'new family' aren't what I expected I'm starting to like having them around.
I hope you get the happy ending you deserve!

sunnysideup Mon 26-Feb-07 00:02:04

Aufish, so glad to hear that you've found your family, wow! I can see how you must be emotionally up and down, it must be overwhelming.

i think you are right to refuse to lie to your kids, I would not allow anyone to put me in that situation with my ds - ever. And I wouldn't consider someone a friend, who could ask it of me tbh.

Is it possible though that you are giving it a little too much importance - I mean is it likely to come up in talking with, or be found out by your kids? If it's not likely to be on their radar at all then maybe you could have just hedged a bit with her, saying how you are not in a place where you can think about anything other than what's going on in your life at the moment...

but it sounds like the horse has bolted anyway really...it was outrageous of her to ask it, not the act of a good friend, and what kind of person has TWO affairs at once -is she really so worthwhile a person???? Why persist with her? concentrate on your family, your new extended family, and getting out to meet other new people. Surely someone like this woman wouldn't be hugely missed if you do al that...best of luck!

Aufish Mon 26-Feb-07 09:43:29

Thanks everyone for the advice, it really has been appreciated. She didn't turn up for school this morning, so I think she is feeling abit sheepish today. As far as I am concerned everything that is happening in her life is of her own making and she needs to now take responsibility for her actions. I just hope she does the right thing for her 4 kids and that they have some stability in their young lives. As far as I am concerned I need to take time now to sort out what is happening with my dad and take things one day at a time. Like I say, thank you for all the advice and it has helped me get my very mixed up head in order.

Bucketsofdynomite Mon 26-Feb-07 11:49:42

Talk to us! You're bound to get at least 3 people who've already been there if you start a new thread on the subject.
TBH a person who has 4 kids, a DH and is having one affair is not going to be able to think about you or give you the time you need. Let alone someone having 2 affairs! Her head must be a whirlwind of time management, denial, deceit-juggling and self self self. Now is not the time to ask her for help.

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