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Upset re friendship

(14 Posts)
Joto369 Sun 29-Jan-17 05:48:48

I've had a friendship for the better part of 20 years. We met a school and have gone through many ups and downs especially as we both suffered depression and anxiety. I recall driving nearly 60 miles to be with her when she was struggling. Over the last few years since she married the dynamic has changed which I understand but I have tried and tried to keep the positive side of our friendship there inviting her out for tea and meals etc but nothing comes of it. I always send birthday and xmas cards. Last year I was sent a photo of my birthday present! I never did receive it even when I hand delivered hers a month later! Periodically she will ring me after a wine or two and apologise but that's it. I try to see it as a natural progression of some friendships but this morning there are more pics of her out with friends. Which is perfectly normal but is now leaving me hurt and questioning me as a friend. The same happened around her birthday when I suggested a meal out - she was too tired but ended up out anyway with another couple. I guess it's just one friendship that has lost its way but I can't understand why all the apologies yet will make no effort to even call round for a brew when we live 5 mins from each other. At the minute I'm quite low due to marital problems so maybe this is affecting me more than it should?

Chloe84 Sun 29-Jan-17 07:56:34

She sounds flaky and not a good friend.

Do you have other friends? I would focus on people who value you as you should be valued and on meeting new people.

Joto369 Sun 29-Jan-17 08:04:15

Thanks Chloe I would tend to agree. I've few friends as I'm not a massively social person. I used to go out regularly with one but as I stopped drinking much a few years back that relationship floundered too. Another friend moved and seems to have forgotten I exist too. I maybe need to work on opportunities for new friends where I live as you say.

Chloe84 Sun 29-Jan-17 08:21:49

It sounds like you could really do with some support at the moment.

I'm not a very social person either (much prefer my Kindle!) so can't advise but a lot of people seem to have success at meeting people and making friends with MeetUps, book clubs etc.

Hope marital issues are resolved flowers

Joto369 Sun 29-Jan-17 08:31:13

Thanks Chloe. I recently joined the gum to do that and some yoga classes so hopefully I'll meet some like minded people there. I put off going to a singing group due to nerves but maybe I should bite the bullet. Most of my stress is caused by the one person who should be my rock so it's not easy!

Joto369 Sun 29-Jan-17 08:31:28

Lol gym! !!!

Chloe84 Sun 29-Jan-17 08:39:56

Definitely join the singing group! I'm thinking of joining the choir at work, if they'd have me grin

Maybe you could talk about problems with H on MN? I'm sure you'd get some good advice.

Totally empathise by the way. I think we underestimate the effect of stress from marriage problems on physical and mental health.

Joto369 Sun 29-Jan-17 08:48:56

I've done so already and had a lot of great support. Mainly in the get rid caregiry as he has been an absolute arse!

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 29-Jan-17 09:20:33

Hi Jo, I think that you should let the friendship go, and move on, let the DH go as well, whilst you're at it ! 😄
Seriously, as you say yourself, time changes for all of us.
I think you're very assertive, joining the Gym, considering the choir. As Chloe also said, MeetUps are supposed to be very good, if there's one in your area, Id definitely join. If you don't already work, how about a bit of volunteering, at a local charity shop, or if you enjoy animals, the RSPCA.
You're on the right track, try to stay on it, escape with a good book, join a walking group.
This time next year, might be a whole new story, I hope so.💐

Joto369 Sun 29-Jan-17 10:17:37

Hi there! I tend to agree re the friendship and definitely re DH though that one is causing me more difficulty though logically I know I'll be better off and less stressed/anxious. It's funny you describing me as assertive I guess I don't see that but maybe I should! I work f time in a school buy get good holidays so will look at some options for then. I certainly hope this time next year will be different smile

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 29-Jan-17 10:41:16

Yes, the DH one, will be the hardest, but you'll manage.
Depression and anxiety can be so emotionally crippling, it's so hard sometimes, to find the energy, to break the cycle of despair.
You are very determined inside yourself, to change, and I know you will.
Voluntary work is great, because you do make new friends, have coffee breaks together, also you call your own shots, as to when you can help out.
I wish you every strength Jo, you can do it. 🌟

kath6144 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:11:00

I sympathise Op, we arent very social but am part of a small group of mums (4 others) who used to see each other lots for coffee and meals, less so now DC are older, but still have meals as mums or couples a few times a year.

One is a neighbour who we supported massively last year when her husband had a bad accident.

I emailed them last week inviting them to 2 fundraising events, one an Indian meal for my DDs guide trip, the other a quiz night being held by an acquaintance (who has said they will come to Indian, would we like to go to their charity quiz).

Being a quiz, we didn't want to go alone, but all 4 so-called-friends have come back saying they are busy both nights. None of them have big social lives, so unlikely, just wish people would admit they didnt want to come rather than lie!! I just really feel like billy-no-mates at the moment.

Hey ho, think we will offer a donation in lieu of attending the quiz, and the Indian night, well we will enjoy it!

Two of the group also have dogs, as we have had for 3yrs. I know they walk regularly on Mondays, when I am also off, have see them, but I have only been invited to join them if I specifically ask them if I can. I find it very sad, dont know if I have done anything to upset them - one I have known since our eldest were born 19yrs ago.

kath6144 Sun 29-Jan-17 12:24:53

As others have said, go and join something, you will make friends.

I am lucky in having a loving and supportive DH and 2 lovely kids, even though one is now at uni.

I am starting to realise we need to extend our social circle, as DC become independent. A walking club is probably the way for us to go, as we both love walking (Altho constrained at moment as DD plays footie on Sundays) and maybe even a cycling club - we bought bikes last year and will hopefully get back on them when the weather picks up!

I do have other friends I meet up with, but not local so can't invite to the charity nights.

It is the falseness and lying that I hate, but I think as I get older (heading for mid fifties) I am certainly trying to use the mantra 'Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" more often! Maybe apply that to your friendship OP!

Joto369 Tue 31-Jan-17 16:10:14

Thanks for all your replies. Said friend called me to say she was going on holiday for two weeks but if I needed to call I could. I messaged her later wishing her a good holiday and said I was off for half term in three weeks so let's meet up and have tea. That's my last offer! I can only do so much.

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