Husband resents me

[alisonis48]

Here's the situation. Hubby earns good money in city and resents me earning small money for working 2 days a week locally. But he earns double what we need to live on, we have no mortgage and my job means we have no childcare issues, and I can look after house, do all housework cooking etc and be there 100% for our son. Is he being unreasonable to resent me? He says I don't earn enough.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Do you resent him for letting you do the majority of the childcare?

[aln48]

No not at all I'm happy to

[isthistoonosy]

How much have you saved the family over the years in childcare, cleaner, travel, emergency childcare for when they are sick etc that you would have needed to pay if you worked full time?

If you went full time now how much extra money would you have to spend as a family. Remembering if your partner cant manage any childcare or cleaning around full time work why should you.

[aln48]

He says he's sick of carrying me and I need to step up.

[isthistoonosy]

Work out the above sums. Is he carrying you? Tbh I'd want to.go full time as he sounds horrible and I'd want to be financially independent of him.

[aln48]

Before we had our son (who was conceived after years of fertility issues) I earned as much as him and contributed half. I then gave everything up after having my son as my husband took a job overseas for 4 years (prior to that he worked overseas on his own for 3 years while we were struggling to conceive). We came back last year paid off the mortgage and I've been temping locally now I've been offered 2 days a week school hours but for low money. Hubby says it's not enough but I think it works best for us as a family as doesn't compromise anything. He earns double what we need so this is pocket money but at least I'm contributing something financially.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Do you think he's gearing up to leave? And make it about what you didn't do...

Or is he really only interested in your financial contributions? Not your emotional, practical and lone contribution of raising his child.

[languagelearner]

Is it you, or is it the low-paying job, he resents? Couldn't it be that he finds the employer is using you, to do work, and not receive enough pay? He might not think about it being important for you to get out and meet with other people, to contribute? What does he say when you explain all of this?

[aln48]

He says my attitude stinks that I'm lazy and ready to accept the easiest thing rather than explore the options. But I know it will be hard for me to find something which doesn't compromise everything else, and yes maybe I have taken my foot off the gas because I know we don't need me to chase the money any more. Does that make me lazy? I do everything else for us, and never thought we'd have a child so I want to be there for him. I do appreciate what my husband does and I'm very grateful. I've always supported him wanting to follow his career and made big sacrifices for it, e.g. having a long distance relationship while he worked overseas wasn't exactly easy! I try to talk to him about it but it ends up in an argument he says he's sick of my attitude and doesn't see why he should carry me.

[SmallBee]

What sort of parent is he?
Does he help with your DC, get involved in all the planning of childcare and decision making?
Or does he just work and expect you to do everything else?

[BarbaraofSeville]

If he earns 'double what you need to live on' he could get a part time lower paid job to fit around yours so you can both do an equal share of money earning, childcare, cooking and cleaning so everything is fair and no-one is 'being carried'.

If he already earns so much more than you need, why do you need to earn more - he could always do less work if he thinks he is missing out on family life?

Of course I'm not seriously suggesting this, it doesn't sound like he is going to suddenly start doing his own washing even if you earnt double what he earnt

[Nataleejah]

I imagine a high-flying job can be extremely stressful. Maybe he would like to earn less, but relax more. But if he steps down, your family will be much less comfortable.
If you earned as much as him -- it means you have the skill and potential, thats going to waste.
And since you're well-off, you could hire a nanny for your son, or a house cleaner. After all, your son will start school pretty soon.

[Bluntness100]

How old is your son please?

I do think that both parties should contribute financially to a household f they are able and gender is not relevant. Only one should stay at home if the other agrees i.e. It's a joint decision, I wouldn't be so keen if my husband didn't work and I never felt I need someone to look after the house and do all th child care. However you do work two days a week. Is there a reason you can't work more? It's very difficult if he's of the opinion you should work.

[SingingInTheRainstorm]

I don't think your behaviour is in the least bit unreasonable. If anything I have the same as you, I was paid well when we met, now with DC's I do work, but DH makes a hell of a lot more than me. I believe you should do whatever makes you happy. So I've gone from big bucks in a job I wasn't that fond of, doing something I enjoy.

I get the, how about getting a job then, you're lazy, etc. I don't feel I am in the slightest. Odd occasions I've had to borrow from DH, that's right he's on a good wage & I can borrow. He'll moan he's not a cash till payday company. Maybe he should add interest. Where in my mind I've done a lot for the family, also helped him out, so I think I should get a treat or something now our situation has swapped.

Do you think your DH is gas lighting you at all? As I wonder that sometimes, as I don't bite when he's in a mood, but I feel pretty miserable. We've been together a long time and he knows what buttons to press.

Have you asked DH what difference the money would make? Is he wanting a bigger house, new car, fancy holidays?

To me money doesn't make you happy, ok if I worked in what I'm trained in is earn a lot more. But life is never that simple.

Im sorry you're having to go through this. I think it's pretty common for money to be an issue but it rarely seems an issue with men until they are earning and it's all about more, more, more.

[Nataleejah]

I believe you should do whatever makes you happy. So I've gone from big bucks in a job I wasn't that fond of, doing something I enjoy.

But is the DH happy? Maybe he'd like to give up big bucks and do something he enjoys?
Stressful jobs lead to early deaths, especially in men.

[AskBasil]

He's carrying you?

If you died tomorrow, how would he organise his childcare and domestic labour commitments?

How much childcare and domestic labour does he do? Who organises birthdays, wider social networking etc.?

How much would childcare cost, how much would a housekeeper/ cleaner cost?

Men who think they're carrying the women who are bringing up their children and keeping their home comfortable, generally don't value women and suffer deep down misogyny. Sorry about that.

[Bluntness100]

I personally don't see this as a gender issue and the responses should be the same if it was a man positing he didn't want to work and his wife resented it.

[Skooba]

Is he envious of your 'easy' life. Does he feel he has no relationship with DS due to long hours and is jealous of you? Is he not getting the promotions he used to get? Is he not going to be able to retire at 50 now that you are no longer earning? Has he met someone and needs you to be independent of him?
I would try to find out what is bugging him.

[BamboozledByPaperClips]

Men who think they're carrying the women who are bringing up their children and keeping their home comfortable, generally don't value women and suffer deep down misogyny.

Absolutely!

If he's hands on in all other aspects of family life then perhaphs you should work in a more demanding, financially rewarding role. However I very much doubt he is.

[AskBasil]

Of course it's a bloody gender issue.

It's about men not valuing women's unpaid work and feeling entitled to it, while whingeing that women aren't also doing enough paid work.

It comes up over and over again and the power dynamics are the same.

[IncidentalAnarchist]

I am the primary earner in our family and have an extremely stressful job. Whilst I don't resent my husband per se, I really do wish that the earning wasn't so unequal as I have absolutely no balance in my life. The stress of my job can and does make me ill.
Try to have a non-emotional discussion to understand what the real issues are.

[Bluntness100]

I'm not of the opinion that women have some unwritten right to stay home and not work if they so chose, I think it needs to be a joint decision. I also don't believe men have that right.

Yes he needs to undertake his share of the responsibilities at home and with the child if she does work full time. Which I think the age of is important to the discussion.

[AskBasil]

"Is he not getting the promotions he used to get?"

Unlikely. Fathers are more likely to get promotions than non-fathers. They earn more and do more senior roles. That's even if you weight the data for age (fathers are by definition likely to be older).

But even if you take the age differential into account, the very act of being a father, makes a man's market rate rise. While being a mother, makes a woman's market rate plummet.

[Parker231]

Perhaps he is stressed out? Could you go for ft work and he reduce to Pt and have time at home with your DC?

[Bluntness100]

It's about men not valuing women's unpaid work and feeling entitled to it, while whingeing that women aren't also doing enough paid work.