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Help for friend with dickhead ex

(5 Posts)
CheeseDreams Sun 29-Jan-17 03:34:27

Long term lurker. Spent today with my lovely wonderful friend. Her dh of 20 years left her totally out of the blue last year. Told her he wasn't happy, no one else, just needed time alone etc etc.

It now transpires that he's been shagging a woman from work (and has been since before they broke up)

Today he called her (they have 2 dc) and she challenged him on the fact that he was cheating and he said he only did it (and ended it with her) cause he knows she was shagging one of his friends.

This is total and utter crap and everyone knows it, when this gets out it will ruin lots of his friendships as its a blatant lie and is insulting to not just her but his friend and his friends wife!

My friend is in turmoil, she keeps questioning what she had done wrong, did she behave in a way that implied cheating (she did not) is the break up of the family her fault, why would he say this etc.

Please can you advise me of any books i can give her or advise I can give. He is clearly trying to cover his guilt but it's easy for me to say. She is in such a mess I really need something that's going to hit home and make her realise it's him not her

HarmlessChap Sun 29-Jan-17 08:54:59

The marriage is over. His guilt may assist in divorce proceedings but won't change things between them, she needs to stop living in the past, dwelling on what ifs and find a way forward.

Maybe she just needs to look on these revelations as giving her closure that he didn't leave out of the blue, he left because there was an OW.

HarmlessChap Sun 29-Jan-17 08:57:05

Also sorry I can't help with books but it might be worth seeing if she can access some talking therapy via her GP.

Angrybird123 Sun 29-Jan-17 09:03:02

His guilt won't help with the divorce proceedings as he is now blaming her to avoid his guilt - oldest 'script' in the book. It's awful and hideous and common. Help your friend to see that he is no longer relevant to her life - he clearly doesn't know her anymore and maybe never did. Try and help her to get strong, practical and tough. Being nice, helpful and accommodating doesn't win you points with men like this. My ex claims I manipulated him at every turn, though it was him that called all the shots when he left for OW. she needs to get tough - it's v v hard and she will still have times when it's too much but now is the te for serious game face.

TheNaze73 Sun 29-Jan-17 15:19:03

Do you know for definite she wasn't??

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